A strange and slightly upsetting thing happened to me last night. If I have not yet clarified, I will now; the girl I am dating, Livi, is a trans woman. In a story I will, eventually, tell, her previous relationship happened to attempt to isolate her from the trans and queer community. This was something we wanted to rectify when we began our relationship. Livi was extremely anxious about trying to reach out, because she had a fear that the community was poisoned against her by the slander her roommates had ceremoniously dished out about her. But, it was clear she was lonely. So, I began trying to reach out to Trans friendly groups in our city to see if there was a group or community to be apart of so we could make new friends.
In a seemingly open and supportive community, I would have thought this would not be so difficult…. I was wrong.
The first group I reached out to, (which I will refer to as Group 1), which meets every wednesday to speak about feminine issues, and be able to speak openly and honestly about one’s identity. We had heard about this group before; a previous friend of hers goes frequently. Livi was interested in going and wanted me to come with her for support. I reached out to Group 1, after reading the description of their events; noting only non-binary people allowed. I explained our unique situation, of her previous abusive relationship, and her want of me coming with her for support. This was not allowed. I didn’t ask why, I just thanked them and moved on.
I also reached out to a few other groups.
Group 2; I had read the description of their group: “a group that has been created for people who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, androgynous, etc. This is a place where we can share our experiences, ask questions, and find support.” So I reached out, thinking possibly being at least Bi with a trans girlfriend, could at least create a gateway for her to get to events that she would be welcome to bring me if she wanted support and safety.
I didn’t hear from them for a long time. Weeks later, a message popped up into my requests inbox. They asked me about the questions they previously asked me. They hadn’t. I pointed out I didn’t get any message before that one, and it was pasted to me then. It had asked if I even read the about section of the group before reaching out. (I had.) And went on to say that the group is for non-binary people only, (Then what is the ect. for, I wondered), and they asked me if I fell into that group.
Which at first, I thought was pretty rude, I mean, I could very well be identified as non-binary or have been transgendered or transfluid. Sure I am very “girlish” but maybe I was further along in transition? Do they reach out to every single person asking them about their gender identity or was I somehow special?
Either way, I responded explaining, no, I am not non-binary, I am Bi and my girlfriend is Trans and we are looking for a queermunity to go to events and make friends as a couple; that Livi was very introvert and often wanted me around for support, and as an extrovert to assist her in approaching new people.
Their response was "I can help with that, (Group 2) is specifically for Trans people, and we are very strict on keeping it that way due to comfort and safety of members, but I am looking to see if there is a group for partners of trans people! If your girlfriend isn’t a part of (Group 3) - (a group only for trans fem people, cis-gender not allowed) or (Group 1) then she should be. Also, here is a group specific for the spouses of trans individuals!"
They also went on to message that I could still probably attend some (Group 2) events that were open, and that when it came to the spousal group, it was public, so the information could show up in friends feed’s if I commented or posted, and “WE don’t want anyone unintentionally outed!” So I could attend the meetings but not join the online group.
Which seemed extremely rude to me. I think I would be able to make the respect and judgement for myself to not out my own girlfriend. She was out, as a matter of fact, so that didn’t matter; but the idea that maybe I was foolish enough to do that to Livi was absurd and a bit disrespectful.
Which I then said thank you for your assistance, and not that we don’t respect that you wanted to keep your group to the comfort level of those involved, but rather, it was counterproductive to our search to offer us groups that separate us, and I would continue to do more looking for a group that will be more supportive of that. I had also mentioned how I did not understand how I could find out about their open events if I did not get notifications. But I excused myself and put the messages back into my request box.
I felt a lot of emotions. The short conversation triggered anxiety and depression and the paranoia I struggle with every day with my mental illness. The first thing I realized was that this was privilege. This was a situation where I was the minority, a cis-gendered, mostly straight, white woman. The fact I was excluded from a group was kind of new to me, and I realized this is what Livi deals with every day. It doesn’t feel good, and really only fueled my desire to want to find a place and a community where our relationship was respected, and we could all feel welcome and involved. It proved a valuable lesson to me.
But on the other end of the spectrum, I was pretty distraught. Every other queer couple that came to mind were non-binary with non-binary. Trans with Trans. I couldn’t name a lot of cis and Trans couples. Especially cis and trans where the cis person isn’t 100% queer. Thoughts flooded my mind:
Would Livi be better with someone who was non-binary or trans? Someone who could better understand her issues?
If Livi were to be with another Trans person, there would be a lot of issues that would be avoided, and they would be able to be more compatible sexually.
If she was with someone else, she would be able to be more accepted into those groups and have someone to go with her.
Her relationship might be more respected if it wasnt with someone who was cis…
To which Livi shut that down, telling me “I’m not an animal that has to be with one of their own kind. I can make my own choices on who I want to be with, and I love you.”
I explained my concerns, I didn’t want her to be isolated like she was before. She should still go to those groups if she wanted to, and try to make friends. I don’t want her to think I would be upset if she would go somewhere I wasn’t welcome, because I did not want to be that kind of girlfriend.
She reassured me; she didn’t have much interest in being a part of a group where I wasn’t welcome or didn’t respect that she wanted me around for support.
I’m still not so sure. These are the kind of doubts that haunt me every day. But I don’t want to be a victim. It was nothing, right? Everyone got out alright and stuck to their standards. Then why do I feel so defeated?
This isn’t about me. This is about Livi and finding people we can resonate with. People she can talk to. Her community… and my part in it. And if she chooses to find a place we can belong together, then I have to follow her lead.
Why do I feel so guilty though? I feel like I am the person preventing her from growing and making friends and being a part of something.
Ugh.
Anyway, this isn’t me dwelling, oh poor me, rather just venting. The quest continues to try and find a trans friendly community that is inclusive to all, which can offer events, support, and friendship. Who would have thought a community that prides itself on being open to all love, would shut some out? There are always more groups, more parts of the community. More.
Just keep going.
you are not the problem.
don't worry about that. and when they say the semotional security of their current members they only mean, it may re introvert some other trans members to be incontact with a stranger who is not trans. judgementally wise... these kids go through soo much psychologically at school, it's insane. my sister was afraid for a long time for even family members to know about her and then even to be around them after anyways and slowly she be ame ok with extended family knowing and then slowly being around them but even so being around us she was paranoid we were talking behind her back. they are their biggest critics and their biggest enemies. but they do have good reason there are some really malicious fucking arseholes out there. who honestly have nothing better to do even than rag on about the way a pregnant woman with two children are dressed or look. As they never grow up or suffer themselves. It starts in primary school! and gets worse through high school. my sister didn't want to be seen by anybody until she had her surgery. she tried to amputate her member. Lucky for her she suffers from hemophobia. and fainted at the first sign of blood. or else she would not have had much tissue to work with.
Thast awful!! I mean in a way, I am glad she was not able to amputate herself bc that just seems like a bad plan even if you hate your body. But still... Livi has a lot of her own issues and has been scarred quite a lot. I don't give out a lot of her expierences with out her consent, but i know it was a big fear thing for her being a part of an abusive relationship and roomate with an equally as abusive person, and them having slandered around the community. Livi moved here so really didnt know anyone aside from them, so wanting me around for support was totally normal for the situation. But I understand where the group came from so I didn't want to push them. It just seemed very strange to offer to help what I was looking for and then offer the exact opposite. Seemed very judgy.
I know. in a plot to prevent judgement they must judge each other. it's soo grey.
Don´t feel guilty. Stay with Livi, because you can probably help her more as a couple than any of these groups, and keep searching for a group that accept both of you. Good luck.
I can grsp that this is a fucked up issue from the post.
I am having troubles with all the classifications. which will make for a great help topic of discussion. but what upsets me most. and this is appalling; is that the transgender community can be soo discriminating amongst themselves. How can you support your own cause when you can not unify as a group! where is the hope in that.
As a group of people widely discriminised against for being a non discriminatable being (both genders at the same time) at least one point in your lifes. you have no sympathy for others unless they are tran-specifically presently exactly like you.
No wonder the tinfoil hat wearers are winning! this is sick. @aliramaxwell, I am soo sorry to hear this and sorry for your partner livi!
you should both join this server https://discord.gg/x8KSUwv
we do not discriminate there. we are all equal. I also invite you to follow myself and @tccgrsfund on steemit and on discord https://discord.gg/bvxY7CP we enjoy hosting steemit post challenges to help raise funds for'
gender reassignment surgery for transgenderrs within the steemit community
and we are not afraid of trolls either. we know how to handle them.
love @anonymummy
love
@tccgrsfund doesnt exist when i click it
ahh my bad I've miss spelt it. @tcgrsfund lol
it stands for trans community gender reassignment surgery fund
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