RE: I Died on Thursday Night... but I didn't make the cut

I remember writing this...

"Ever wondered or worried about how you’re going to die? The abrupt finish. The final cut. Everything ending so suddenly and nothing ever matter again. All your loved ones, family, friends, well-wishers, and enemies, none of them getting involved again. Ever.

Or perhaps we could plan it. So it doesn’t have to be sudden again, yes?
How do you want it to be… brief, long, painless, painful? Do you want to see all your loved ones faces flashing before you in succession or do you want it to be a surprise to them, then you’d stand behind, skulking in the shadows, seeing their reaction as to the news of your death?
A friend said he’d pictured himself dying in an airplane crash but his uncle took that from him. Funny! Another friend wants a traumatic death. He wants to see himself dying before actually dying!

There was a time I could not bring myself to think about ‘it.’ A time I did not allow myself to call its name because calling the name would make it real, the same way I learnt not to call scorpion or snakes or any other crawling animals their names instead we referred to them as ‘Odogwu.’

There was also a time I allowed myself to think about death only on certain occasions when I am remembering the day a loved one died (I’m supposed to say passed out, I know). I don’t understand why we are taught that in masking certain words, we make them less serious. I remember there was a time I wanted to tell someone my mum had died; instead, I started thinking of a better way not to make it sound serious. So, instead of saying ‘died’ I had said something like, ‘she’d gone’ and I’d end up explaining what I’d meant by ‘gone’.

The truth is there is death. And there is life, and we are all going to die, eventually, and as Lana Del Rey sang, ‘…we were born to die,’ however you want to interpret this.
Not bringing oneself to think or talk about death does not take it away from existing and talking or thinking about it does not mean one is going to die soon. Also, saying, ‘life is not fair, why must it be…? In itself is unfair. Who else to die but not…?

I have had a hard time with grief. Someone once told me that there are stages of grief and the first stage being acceptance. And yes, while grieving is part of what makes us humans, moving on is a very strong feat that is not entirely unattainable. But I digress.

Do we, however, go about picturing how we are going to die? Do we throw all our fears of death into a creature, call it death, fling it farther away from us, and blind ourselves to it, plunging our being into other existential frivolities and making ourselves believe that if we do not as much as give regards to something, it does not exist.
Heck, I picture myself a lot of times and it’s really scary. But it is not the thought of how the worms are going to feast on me that scares the shit out of me. It is the thought of the people I leave behind and how I’m going to be remembered. If I’ll be remembered. And I picture myself dying a thousand times the moment I fade away from my loved one’s hearts. The moment I feel forgotten.

Accepting the fact that we are all going to die is very hard because nobody wants to die. After all, who wants to picture being beneath the ground and eaten up by moths and worms? But acceptance is the first step to actually living. Accepting death as a part of existence leads forward life and instead of being scared of how and when we are going to die, we live beautifully with the people around us and at peace with ourselves. "