It's been a while since I shared something from my personal life here on Steemit. I'm struggling to find my feet in the real world and there wasn't really a juicy story to tell for quite a while now. Many things have changed for us over the last couple of months - it's been a roller coaster ride mostly.
Some of you may already know that we packed up our lives in Abu Dhabi to search for greener grass at the end of 2017. Our initial plan WAS that we (the kids and I) would join my husband in Saudi Arabia as soon as possible to continue living the 'expat' life, if that's even a thing- lets call it a noun, in this case. We ended up staying here in South Africa far longer than we have planned as the kids had school which was priority - it has been 7 months already and although it felt like forever, if I look back now I can't believe how quickly the time went!
But...we're still here. It turned out that while applying for our visas, somehow, somewhere, a system error slipped in which prevented progress and kept us waiting in the dark. We were supposed to be in Saudi by now, but God had other plans for us.
For some reason (and I'd like to ask Him 'why' one day if I get the chance to do so), He really doesn't want us to go there. Perhaps you may think I'm crazy for thinking so, but in my heart I truly feel that this has EVERYTHING to do with HIM!
When you have to live apart from the one you love, you get sad!
When you have to live apart from the one you love and you have children who miss their daddy too, you get depressed!
When you know how this living arrangement affects your family, you get sadly depressed!
So in this very sadly depressed state that I was (am) in, I got a little "brain damage" - my brain was telling me all kinds of negative things..."Belinda, you're going to die all alone" ... "You know what, Belinda, you're an idiot!... "You're such a bad mother" ... "What if something happens to your husband? What will you have? Where will you be?" ... "What about the kids?" ... "You lazy ass! You don't even have a job!"
Shortly after the decision came that we would not be going anywhere,we decided to start looking to buy a house seeing as we cannot rent forever and we would need a place to live. The decision came after years and years of wanting to buy a property - not only as an investment but also a place to call home whenever we gave up "expat-ing" (oh look, now it's a verb!) The fact is, we're not getting any younger, the kids are growing up and if you wait until you have enough money, you'll wait forever!
This gave us hope and it was a distraction from the "brain damage".
We found a house that we both loved, put in an offer to purchase and then we waited. In the meantime, I got restless and this is where God's plan came flickering like a red light once again.
One evening after doing my usual Steemit post, the dark "brain damage" thoughts crept up again. Until this day I am still not sure why I did it, but for some reason that night, I started scrolling through job vacancies in the area. There wasn't really anything that caught my attention but I applied for 2 jobs that night. Knowing very well that I haven't worked for the last 6 years and that my CV is WAY behind, I rolled my eyes while sending the applications, thinking to myself "Well done, Belinda, you just wasted about 20 minutes (because that's all it took) of your time and internet data when you should have been sleeping!"
I never even gave it a second thought and brushed it off with a "Oh well, at least you've tried!"
The offer for the house was accepted and then after lots and lots of paperwork, the application went to the bank. The agent phoned me one afternoon saying that I would be getting a call from the lawyers to confirm my details. That afternoon, I just came back from picking the kids up at school when my phone rang.
The lady asked me if I would be available the next day at 14:00. I said "no" because that's the time I'm usually driving up and down from school. She told me that's the only time the managers are in to see me...WAIT A MINUTE!!! "What manager? The bank manager or the attorney manager, or which manager are you talking about?"
"It's for a job interview, Mam!" she replied.
I almost died right there!
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was expecting another call. I'll be there tomorrow, thank you!"
I could not believe it! I even had to go back to my internet history to make sure which jobs I have applied for! I wasn't ready!!!!! My hair needed a make-over, my nails were chewed into my flesh, I didn't have interview-ready clothes, I didn't work for 6 years and I certainly didn't have any answers for interview questions readily available in my housewife/depressed/brain damage head! I rushed to the shop to find some grey coverage for my hair at least and searched for questions and answers on Google.
The interview was tough! If felt like I got all the answers wrong to extremely difficult questions but I GOT THE JOB!
How many people can say (especially in a country like South Africa!) that they've applied for TWO jobs only, and got the job after the FIRST interview...after not working for like a hundred years? >>>me<<<
That's definitely God's hand, do you agree?
- Today was my 8th day at work.
- Today was also the day that we were informed that our home loan has been approved.
Today is the day that I want to cry my eyes out because I'm scared of doing all of this all by myself with 3 small children and I'm not all that sure exactly HOW this is all going to turn out and IF we would even get all the money together for the deposit on the house, but I'm thankful for God's hand in all of this. It's clear that things don't always turn out the way that WE want it to. Rules are made to be broken and plans change all the time. Although I'm scared of this new path, I also know that this is the best thing to do for our children who need stability for a change, and if things work out and the bills have been paid, their father could be back here with us (even if takes a while) for good so that we can be a normal, stable family once again!
Ek glo dinge kom oor mens se pad met rede en soms sonder dat jy vra of dit verwag en dan moet jy die kans aangryp. Dit kan nie maklik wees al die dinge nie maar jy sal ok wees want jy het God aan jou kant
Wow dis intens, maar ek stem saam, dinge gebeur soos dit moet en al voel jy hoe alleen, dinge gaan uitwerk want jy het God aan jou kant.
Definitely seems like God is leading you in other directions. Where is this new home of yours?. I have been battling depression for a while now. It got much better with a decision to not let the devil destroy my life. Take charge of the negative thoughts. You are not brain damaged, you just have negative thoughts. My friend calls it "stinking thinking". When you start that try to stop and correct the bad thought with a realistic and true thought. Like when you think you are a bad mother rather say maybe I did not so well today, but I love my children and I am doing the best I can. I am sure you know its called cognitive behaviour. Controlling your thoughts is the key. Like the Bible says: take every thought captive unto obedience to Jesus Christ. You are a very brave woman doing and going through everything in your life at this moment. Blessings!
Thanks for the refreshing words @hope777! (Proverbs 11:25)
Peace.