There are many people that can relate with depression or anxiety. There are many forms and degrees that it can include. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between depression, anxiety or OCD when they co-exist with each other. Like a catch 22, never ending circle of cause and effect. That's how I feel about it.
You may get anxious over something that is going on in your day, or over nothing at all, it seems. Then that aids in the depression to rear its' head which makes you more anxious and wait for it, the OCD kicks into high gear and you start spinning around with normal every day tasks that you just HAVE to get in order. Then we are back to the depression because the order isn't coming fast enough and you just feel like nothing you do is right.
I call these my day stealing never ending loops. Most of my nights are spent with my brain going over the days events and what I was not able to complete that I wanted to. Then it starts making a mental list of things I need to do the next day. I feel like half of my night is spent making the list and the other half is trying to organize the list based on what I would come across as soon as I get out of bed. Yes I have tried writing them down when I thought of them in my sleep but that makes the OCD, anxiety and depression worse because I have to do those things and in the order I wrote them. So I stopped doing that.
Normal routine is to make coffee first thing in the morning and then feed the animals. Ok that is done and then comes the migraine that I somehow forget that I get all the time. Stress induced from not enough restful sleep or from making a list half the night? I don't know they start up at different times and I never have tried to track them since the only thing I can think of with them is to sit quietly without doing anything until they are gone. Which doesn't always work but I try different things, depending on when they start and where I am.
Back to the start of the day. Now part of my list has disappeared from my brain of what it made up the night before which starts up my anxiety because I know there is something I am forgetting and I know it was important or I would not have thought about it to put on the mental list. I may go a couple of hours working on the things I did remember but then the depression and anxiety collide and heart starts racing. "Why can't I remember? What else am I forgetting? No, that doesn't go there. I need to write some things down. My head is killing me." These are just a few thoughts that start the ball rolling.
By this time I sit down and try to get my thoughts under control and time just flies by and I haven't been able to accomplish much else from my list. The missing items from my list have put a monkey wrench, so to speak, into my day and well the only way I can describe it is this: It's like when you are working on a puzzle and you have one piece left but you can't find that one piece, everything else is put on hold until you find it. You frantically look everywhere in your house, checking every nook and cranny even the pets hiding places. Which you spend even more time because you can't toss a room without putting everything back exactly where you found it.
You can't find it and you give up on the puzzle, then start thinking this is just another thing I have failed at. Which for me makes the rest of the day all out of whack. On one hand I am pretty much an optimistic person, - sometimes annoyingly so. And that means my thoughts are constantly battling with each other like this- Optimistic side- Things will get better- Depression side- What am I doing wrong?
I know there are two sides to everything and that is how my brain feels a lot of the times. Like I know somewhere in there that things will get better but also think why in the world can't I just get it done the way I think and be happy. And think that no one understands what I do or think.
When you also have a loved one dealing with these, you try to hide your own thoughts and feelings so you can be there for and help them first. Sometimes that makes it hard to concentrate when you are alone again. But, for the moment I feel better helping someone else.
This may not make sense to some people and it is very hard for me to explain. I don't even know if it makes sense to myself. I just know that when a whole day can pass by and my anxiety and depression are working against me, I can't get anything done that I wanted to do and all I can do is go through the motions of a hollow day.
The OCD is just another annoying thing in my life that I have lived with as far back as I can remember. I never really knew it was OCD for a long time. I just knew there were certain things and ways I did things that had to be done that way. At work some people thought it was just being detail oriented, but it went way beyond that. The thoughts that go with it and the anxiety spikes when it isn't done exactly that way or I took too many steps from point A to point B. A few people have noticed because they knew that I wouldn't hear a word they said until whatever I was doing was completed.
Those are just some small things that were running through my head this morning. Of course every day is different and the degrees of each are different but this was what my day was like yesterday.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day, whatever your day may hold. Thanks for stopping by and sharing my day :)
I have been dealing with stress and anxiety for so long that depression is part of my daily life. You're right, there are many different level and degree of anxiety! Two years ago I went through an anxiety attack but didn't even know it until I couldn't breathe. I took myself to urgent care and finally went in a total break down..Now, I am more aware of how my body is responding to the situation and remove myself from it as soon as I can..
Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. Yes it becomes somewhat the "norm" after awhile living with it. I'm glad you are more aware, it does help when I can recognize triggers but sometimes things happen so fast there isn't time. I keep working on that part. Glad to know there are other people out there that know what it's like.
That can be very hard to deal with to say the least.. Please know that you are not alone, and there are many people out there who can empathise with what you go through on a daily basis. Have you tried using breathing exercises and or meditation to help with the symptoms of stress and anxiety? They can be very helpful.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes I use all kinds of different techniques. Sometimes they help but most of the time my head is too full :)
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