Your furniture reminds me of the mattress I stole out of a curbed sofabed, figured no one ever sleeps on them, so it must have been clean. Then spent 30 bucks on a sheet set, comforter, pillow, fork, pan, shower curtain, shampoo, and dish cloth. All at the quality that makes all those purchases possible for 30 bucks.
Glad the worst roommates I dealt with were just crackheads.
I'm really going to need you to post that story.