I’m gonna make steemit my personal journal for a minute. You won’t mind, will you? Pull up a fire, and kick back on your ass because we need to get real for a minute.
Anxiety.
So many of us suffer from it but we don’t talk about it as much as we need to. It’s an insidious force that robs of our sense of wholeness and efficacy. It weighs on our relationships and can breed conflict in our most private moments. I’ve really been struggling this week with my anxiety. I’m back in school at 30 and it feels so odd to be around these strange beautiful creatures that often don’t know anything: undergraduates. Or am I just thinking of people? I don’t know but it is a strange sensation doing this again. I am doing really well in my classes, but I am continuously feeling as though I’m being forcefully extruded through a long, narrow tube. I decided to study engineering, which is fun because I like maths and science. I’ve learned about more difficult and interesting things than ever before, and yet I still really struggle with not feeling like enough: not smart enough, not young enough, not funny enough, not good enough at maths.
I actually care about my work this time which is a nice change. I was always middlingly successful before, but I never made anything happen in my life because I was stuck in this horrible time loop of drug addiction, bad coping mechanisms, unstable relationships, abusive relationships, video games, and sex. Don’t get me wrong. All of those things are good for something. I don’t particularly regret my path, but I am starting to see the ignorance with which I have led my life up until now. It’s a shame really. I was lost for a really long time.
And of all those things, the thing I regret the most is my long history of dishonesty. It’s easy when you’re young to hear your mother say, “One lie leads to another.” You shrug her off because, on its face, it’s obviously true. But you’re a good person. You’ll be alright. You’re likeable and sensible, at least as much as any random human. So you pick up a little habit of lying. It’s ‘just one lie’ after all. Here and there. It’s not a big deal. A little more frequently. A few times a week. Awww fuck, I’ve done it. I’ve become a bad person.
And I was, for a long time. And then I found a therapist...
Okay, fine, I found another therapist. I wasn’t exactly 100% honest with the first one either. Fuck it, I’m not a 100% now, but I’m doing my best. I’ve started thinking about my actions. I’ve started writing more. I’ve been more honest with my family and my loved ones. I tell people I’m thinking of them. I try to dynamite myself out of my house a few times a month.
Anxiety and bad coping techniques have led to a lot of pain in my life, and yet through those things I have learned a lot about what it is to be a human. And by coming out the other side and looking at myself retrospectively, I’ve begun to have a new faith in not only myself but people in general. There are some real shitheads in this world, but I really thing most people (for all their flaws) are really just trying to get by and be good to others.
Just leave a comment below if you also think people are a pretty great thing. And be honest with your loved ones. You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
Bob,
The Horse