My friend and I spent the day together yesterday. My boss had forced me to take a "day of bereavement" from work due to my grandmother's passing and my friend had her mother pass this last Monday. We went swimming, we went shopping, and then we spent the rest of the evening painting, doing collage work, and basically just having a craft day. It was a solid day for the both of us, and certainly a necessary one.
Friend 'A' very much a homebody now and has kind of gotten out of contact with many of our old friends while I've remained firmly attached to many members of the group. She asked about one in particular, a friend who I spend a great deal of time with these days as we just "get each other" on a number of topics. Let's call her Friend 'B' for simplicity's sake.
I explained that our Friend B was finding it hard to date and that I understood because, having been cheated on by most of my exes, it can often be difficult to not only let new people in, but to not carry those insecurity issues carry over into the next relationship, effectively ruining it before it's even had a chance to begin.
Friend A understood, but also tried to argue on behalf of Friend B's ex, who isn't a bad guy by any means, but he did a stupid thing. A very stupid thing, the details of which are really just too stupid to even retype here. Suffice it to say, he was in the wrong. But it's not a thing that he's known for or that he has regularly done.
I personally believe that cheating is a fairly unforgivable offense due to how destructive its emotional aftereffects can be on the partner being cheated on. Friend A believed that there can be mitigating circumstances where it's less black and white, where there is a moral gray area -- like when a person knows the relationship is ending, so they just kind of burn the bridge before it can crumble of its own accord. I get it, but I don't care for it. I find that method distasteful and still less optimal than simply ending the relationship.
But are there mitigating circumstances where cheating is acceptable? Is there a moral gray area when it comes to that kind of act that comes between two/three people? Can the offending party ever be trusted to make the right decision in a future bad moment?
Life is all about gray areas, and people cheat for all sorts of reasons. I'm more inclined to forgive someone for cheating before marriage, when there's no real "contract," than after, once finances have been mixed and the possibility of children has entered the picture. (And no, I don't think people should have children outside of wedlock, but that's another discussion.)
Maybe what's needed is a credit-report for dating. Is this someone who missed an occasional car or credit card payment? Have they lapsed in the past seven years? I'm pretty sure Google could come up with a way to scan social media data to produce a report for relationship fidelity.
Now there's a dystopian sci-fi-premise!
ha! i like the idea of a credit report for dating (though, only for fiction purposes....i can't imagine a real world where that would be rule rather than the exception).
it's possible my ideas are tainted because of HOW MANY of my exes have cheated on me; i just can't tolerate it any more, no matter the reasoning behind it. but that's just me.
First, let me say, I am sorry to hear about your loss. May your grandmother rest in paradise.
As, for the question at hand.. I believe not all things are black and white. Some things just arent this or that. I think emotional cheating is far worse than say, a one time hook up and I dont think that "once a cheater, always a cheater". We are human. We make mistakes. The deciding factor is if we learn from those mistakes and how they change us as a person. I could forgive my husband for say, having a drunken night and fucking up. What I couldnt forgive, is an ongoing emotional connection/affair. Im not one of those big believers that sex is sacred and is only magical when it is shared with someone you love.. Sex is sex. And its great but to me, its not the most valuable part of a relationship. I would look at the entire situation and make a choice based off of the person and WHY it happened. Rebuilding trust is difficult but you have to weigh if one mistake is worth throwing everything away for or not.
thank ya, my dear! :)
things are definitely not all black and white by any means, and i think people are very much able to change their behaviors (especially since many of us did some REAL dumb shit in our early- and mid-20s).
the ongoing emotional connection would certainly be an issue, but like i replied to Mr. Winstonalden above, it's possible my ideas on the concept are tainted because of HOW MANY of my exes have cheated on me; i just can't tolerate it anymore, no matter the reasoning behind it. but that's just me. it's a completely relationship-ending act as far as i'm concerned. my trust, at that point, is gone and pretty unlikely to return, which isn't healthy for the remainder of the relationship should it continue.