I recently began finding myself occasionally thinking about the future in a positive way, and following that up by actually working out the realistic possibility of realizing that future for myself.
I want to move out someday relatively soon. I had a tentative goal of doing it around 2021, but I might have to change that. I have been considering the best way to do it. I realize that I could rent a room in a house with other people, but I have done that before and I don't want to do it again. Also, most rooms like that are at least $500 per month anyway and you have to share the house with people you don't know.
So, I was doing some math to see how much a mortgage would be for a house of a certain price. It's something like a $200,000 mortgage over 30 years with 4% interest is around $1000 per month. I can see myself being able to afford that someday. If I just save up for the next 3 to 5 years, I could make the down payment and get my own house and pay the mortgage. I've never really thought that was something that was actually possible in my near future before.
While I was working at the grocery store, all I thought about was how or when I was going to actually start my own business. And now I'm finally starting it...and I'm learning how hard it is and how long it will actually be until I'm making $30k per year at it. But it's happening. I mean, my life is happening. Right now, as I type this, I am supposed to be video editing. I have 3 active projects right now. I'm doing it!
So, maybe taking the plunge and deciding to live at home while I start this business actually somewhat ironically gave me the mindset that I needed to start thinking about owning my own house. Is this...self confidence? I have heard of this feeling before...it's so alien to me. But, I like it. It almost seems kind of dumb. Like, I think of my father and how much he still owes on his house. And then I remember that we are in fact different people and you can see that in our credit scores as well as our behavior and health. Not to rag on him too much. I love him and he lets me stay in his house and he's supportive, so is in my cool persons book for all that.
Maybe confidence needs to be a bit dumb. It needs to not think too much about the negative consequences of being bold.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it...
How contradictory is that? I mean, it is beautifully contradictory. It's fascinating and I love it. I want more of it.
All of this planning for my future, thinking about the math, working out what I actually need to do to achieve this--it got me thinking that it would be nice to get married before getting a house. Buying a damn house would afford me a lot of freedom, but it would be lonely. Getting married and buying a house would afford me a comfortable and beautiful life with a person that I love. And they could help pay the mortgage!
How have I not thought about these things before? My 20s seemed to be filled with pure vagueness. The depression in me wants to feel sad because I haven't dated in a long time and therefore I'm nowhere near being ready to get married, but that feeling isn't actually that strong. I feel like this positive image I have in my mind of my own house might actually help me get back into dating. If I really know what I want, I can go after it patiently. But with no direction, I would find myself desperately searching for anything that would make me look like I knew what I was doing.
I'm trying to make this post not totally a diary entry. I think my point is that our thoughts most definitely shape our view of who we are, what we do, and where we are going. Those thoughts feed back into reality and continually change who we can be, what we can do, and where we can go. You can't go to a place unless you think you can go there. And you won't think that you can go there if you don't think you belong where you are now. So, it's all connected.
Your tiniest thought may have some positive or negative quality. That matters a lot, and you have to do something about it if the quality is negative. It's because even though the thought is small, it was born of some mindset that you have that runs deep. Therefore, a small negative thought can be indicative of a deep problem that needs attention. It's not easily explainable what to do, because everyone has their own yard to tend to, but the general idea is to make your life interesting and good to you. That has to be a priority, I mean it's like top three at least.
Of course, having a positive and somewhat realistic goal for the future is one thing, but actually achieving that goal is another. Not to be discouraging, I just needed to remind myself that good things don't come easily. Look at that damn mushroom. Just found that on the front page of pixabay. Anyway, if you read this far, please leave a comment. Peace.