I sit here staring at a blank word pad wondering how exactly to write about something, explain something, that not even I, as a 27 year old adult, even still quite understand ...
Listen, the fact is... I don't know all the facts. I was a very small child when the next events were happening. All I know is that even still, 27 years later, they still affect me, they still affect ALL of my family, they've even affected my relationships at times...
I will state the same thing as I did before in that there are 3 sides to this story, His side, Her side, and then the truth. I have pretty much come to accept the fact that I may never know the whole 110% truth. At first this bothered me, but now as I venture back down this memory of hurt and confusion, I think to myself, I really don't think I even want to know the entire truth to be honest with you.
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Fact of the matter is, my mother is and was an absolute stand up, amazing, wonderful mother. I truly believe that all the choices she made, she made because she felt as though she was "protecting me" (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc). She did what she felt was best for her baby. Being a mother now, I get it. I wont say I agree or disagree with how every situation was handled because again, I don't know all the facts and I don't know what she based her decisions off of, you know? But I do know that if it came down to it, I would do absolutely ANYTHING in my power to protect my baby girl... just as my mother did. I used to get angry, at how my mother handled the next few years of my life... but now, as a mother, I have completely let go of that, and realized that if I ever thought that there was even the slightest chance someone would hurt my baby in any way shape or form, I would do what ever it took to keep that person as far away as possible...
So...now that I've stated that... the burning question those whom have followed up to this point are wondering... WHERE IS MIKE ...
The "dividing" of a family is never easy, always comes with complications, and in most cases gets messy. Well, get your air freshener, because ours became a pig sty...
The next few years of my life were ones of discontent, confusion, manipulation, and much much more. My mother wanted nothing more than her perfect family with me, my dad Jamie and her. She wanted for me more than split holidays, two bedrooms, and step parents. So she did what she thought was the right thing for me and attempted to protect me any way she knew how... this included keeping me from Mike.
Was Mike perfect, no, by no means, I have heard from different parties that he should have/could have tried harder; that he gave up too soon; and that he got lazy with showing up when/where he was supposed to when told by the courts. But I also understand how trying and exhausting and mentally draining this entire situation probably was to deal with. One can only fight so hard and be shot down so many times before they finally throw up the white flag and try and pick up the little bit of dignity they have and finally walk away.
Mike took my mother to court and eventually got granted supervised visitation. My memory of those , (really my only memory of those visits for some reason) are those at my Grandma and Grandpa McCarty's house (the agreed upon place of visits). I remember as a little girl being down in the downstairs living room watching the lion king together. I remember we would walk down my grandparents all dirt road down the street to an old abandoned Amish school that was over 100 years old to play and look around. (I still visit this exact spot sometimes when I go home... its my way of feeling like I am close to those memories and truth I don't vividly remember) We would sit at the edge of a creek near by and throw pebbles together and watch the waves ripple. Ripple like the waves of the affect this situation had on everyone involved, ironically enough... For some reason those are the only few memories i have as a "toddler" or child under the age of 3 with my biological father.
My biological father did what he could to prove to the courts that he wanted to be a father and be in my life; and to prove that he could be a positive influence on my life as well. He continued to fight his case in court with my mother in order to see me. He wrote letters to the court, kept every returned piece of mail addressed to me, wrote down each time he tried to see me and couldn't...
Eventually after a long and painful battle, it came to an end... and my father mike was left with a very complex hole in his heart to attempt to patch up.
How do you move forward after something like that? After having someone tell you that you have lost rights to your child; that you may NEVER see them again...
No one knows how they will handle something until they are thrown head first into it.
From what i have heard this verdict sent my father mike into a tailspin of depression. Around the same time my mom met my dad Jamie, my biological father mike met his now wife, Missy.
Missy was Mikes rock through this whole process. Helping to pick him up when he was down and couldn't get back up. Many have told me how difficult it was to watch him go through all this. But he had to stay strong for himself, his family and for hopes of one day being reunited with me. Still to this day i couldn't have asked for a better more beautifully souled person to stand by him in this Journey. I will get more into all of this later, but what a woman to stick by his side through all this heart ache depression and trying times. Ill be eternally grateful for the amazing woman she is.
Mike moved forward, each day away from me just as painful as the one before. He and his family tried in any way to still have a window into my life. From watching soccer games from the parking lot with binoculars, to clipping news paper articles i was featured in, to photo shopping my little face into family photos, they continued to try to get any glimpse they could into my life.
Although it seemed to everyone around him that Mike had given up (including my mom and dad), he would prove this very wrong in the future... he had not in fact given up... but was simply planning....planning on the day we were together again....
Very powerful story...thanks for sharing it.
Thank you so very much, if you check out my last 2 they led up to this one :) itll help you understand the story even more. Its a tough subject for me and my family but talking through it on here with all of you has already helped so much. I may never know all the details, and I know a lot, that I may or may not choose to share on here someday but for now , I am trying to get the general story out there for nay other families who may be going through something similar so that they may see that it does get better and the main one who suffers in all of this is the child... even in to adulthood :(
Well said...and having grown up in a generation where everything was always a secret...its so different to have forums like this where folks share their realities so others don't feel so alone.
Yea but like someone has just told me recently, this whole thing wasn't chosen by me.. I was thrown into it...and if someone doesn't like how I tell their parts of MY story then that's their demons to deal with not mine.... I've had to deal with it and bury it in side of me my entire life and its time I feel comfortable enough to talk about it and start worrying about my feelings and not everyone else's
Congratulations @chelseajo!
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Thank you so so much! I am so happy my story is being shared with so many people. If I can help even one family with my journey I've done what I came here for! I cant wait to meet more people and make more connections and eventually share my entire story with all of you. Stay tuned, the next part of the journey to being reunited with my biological father is coming! :) it just keeps getting better <3
Great post!!
Following you. I am new on Steemit. Please do follow me back so we can stay in touch on steemit. Here's my introductory post. Please give it a thumbs up!
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@timesedge/my-introduction-ana-ederson
Welcome!! I absolutely will! Thank you for taking the time to read my story. The first part of this was posted a few days ago if youre interested in learning the whole story :) Going to follow you now and check out your stuff!! Look forward to being steem friends!
In fact, your life story will be remembered by your children , Your memories are stored as you have ,Every mother and father want her child to be happy.
please you visit my account @shakirchy
Exactly. I couldn't agree more. I know my daughter will someday wonder and ask questions of all her family she has due to this situation and I will be able to remember and share all this with her someday :)
You are doing all the work that is so focused on our welfare , I could learn many sentance from almost all the posts, Thank you very much for the posts.
please you visit my account,,,,,, @shakirchy
I absolutely will. gave you a follow :) thank you very much kind sir
These situations are so tough. You're absolutely right about there being 2 or 3 sides of the story.
My parent separated when I was 16 or so, my sister was 12 - so it honestly didn't affect me at all, I was charging head-first into my own interests and life... but my sister was probably impacted fairly positively by the situation because she got much more attention than otherwise.
What I did notice at the time, is how everyone's story changed with the passage of time; my Mum was abandoned by her husband (my recollection is that she constantly created situations that eventually made it impossible for him to stay), my Dad suddenly unleashed years of pent up unhappiness in vitriol against our Mum (while likely justified, the kids aren't probably the right audience for this) and my sister was the product of a broken family (my memories are that she was getting super spoiled from both sides and loving it). My Dad's next partner was even more aggressive than my Mum ever was, and my Mum's next partner was even more of a doormat than my Dad. It was incredible to watch. They've now been apart longer than they were together and everything is fine... it was tough going and we were old enough to make our own decisions... I can't imagine what Mike must have gone through. I'm so sorry that was your childhood.
people don't realize how much of a lasting effect this can have on children and eventually into adulthood. unfortunately now a days marriages are viewed as disposable things... I would LOVE to relive in a time like my grandparents grew up where marriage MEANT something and being married meant you worked through things! any more everyone is so quick to rush to the alter to upload the "coolest wedding pics " to outdo their friends, simply because getting married is the "cool thing to do" that they don't even recognize the power and meaning behind being married. and then you throw kids into the mix....
my biological parents weren't married, but they did make a choice to have a child together and then go separate ways... now as an adult I wouldn't want it any other way as far as having so many people to love me... but I just wish again, that the world we lived in was "old school" again in that marriage and having children was a special sacred thing... not just a thing to do for a season and then move on to the next latest fad....
I think you will def enjoy the next chapter to this story <3 stay tuned
I will, absolutely.
Yeah, I have so many thoughts about marriage...
I've seen my friends rush into marriages just because everyone else around them was getting married and they got caught up in the spirit of it... then had a kid or two and found they weren't excited about the same things... especially as my friends hit the mid-30s...
Then on the other side, my grandparents who were together for over 65 years, and so awful to each other... they just shouldn't have been together, there would have been so many other people they could have been happy with, but clearly felt trapped or bored or way too comfortable.
I'm honestly not sure what the answer is, I just want people to be happy and I wish weddings were less of an event... but regardless, very excited about your posts!
Thank you and i have to agree with you! staying together when youre miserable also is not the answer either... just wish people would take the time to figure it all out while dating first. theres no rush to marriage. I hear all the time omg weve already been together for 4 years though when is he going to propose.... ok so what, you've been together 4 years, youre taking your time learning about one another and if you do end up getting married its not "wasted time", that little piece of paper saying your married doesn't and shouldn't change your relationship at all, so whats the difference?? I hope that makes sense but that's how I feel about it. and don't even get me started on the flashy engagement ring phase... these men spending as much on a ring as they could a vehicle or small house... get out of here... what are you trying to prove? I don't need a giant flashy ring to show my man loves me... my promise ring: a thrift store find that we found together while thrifting one day that cost $0.25! its so unique, I love it, it doesn't turn my finger green lol and its the MEANING behind it that I love so very much!
I actually agree 100%.
It honestly feels like a diamond ring is used more as a badge of honour or a status symbol instead of an actual commitment. A lot of my friends are exactly the same... "I really thought he'd propose on this trip", etc etc instead of spending the time thinking about the long term commitment.
Clearly at least half the people getting married aren't thinking it through (given divorce rates). We were never going to get married, mainly because we wanted either one of us to step away if someone else made them happier... and what that meant is that we were both putting in a good effort to ensure we were the best person for the other. After 14-15 years, lots of pressure to get married so we threw everyone a 'Not-Wedding' dress up party - which totally did the trick.
We are married now (easier for the whole visa thing) but we're still putting the effort in.
Fun Fact: Engagement diamond rings have only been around since the 1920s... Before that diamonds were essentially worthless because no one cared about them.
you're totally right on the badge of honor thing i totally agree. its a shallow social thing more than a commitment anymore. Makes me ill to watch those videos people post on youtube when the girl gets mad because the ring is too small or not the right one or he didn't propose exactly how she wanted in a helicopter over Italy... gimme a break, really. if these people put half the effort into their marriages as they do worrying about what other people think of them on the internet they'd probably have a happier marriage and the us would have a lower divorce rate
I really dont even know what to say to this, which is very unusual for me. It is obvious that this post was written from raw emotion of experiencing it. Being a single dad myself I couldnt imagine what your biological father felt. I know that twenty plus years ago men were given almost no chance in court as far as custody. At least today we stand a chance. I couldnt imagine what it would do to my daughter if she was forced to stay with her mom. My daughter is the biggest daddy's girl ever. I couldnt deny her if i wanted to, she is practically a clone of me. I do know she would be broken if she couldnt see daddy anymore. Decisions like that can have subliminal effect well into adulthood and the person will never even know. I am so sorry that you had to go through that as a child and that your dad was put through that too. Excellent emotionally stimulating post Chelsea. Thank you. I have written a few posts about very traumatic events in my life and i was amazed at how therapeutic it was. Not only to get the story out but also to get feedback from people trying to give advice and help. The financial reward is just a nice added bonus too.
I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Thank you so much means alot to hear this. I am moved at how much everyone has enjoyed my story thus far. Let me start out by saying that both of them were very young... and both acted on emotions from such a hard situation... being a mother now myself I get why I'm sure my mom made some of the choices she did and do not hold it against her at all anymore... I'm not saying I agree or disagree with how she handled it, but as a mother her job was to protect me and she felt she was doing just that. In the other hand, this has had a LONG lasting effect on EVERYONE involved...especially myself. Ive stayed quiet about it and the effects it has had on me for so long to save everyone elses feelings and I'm ready to just talk about it and vent it and be an adult in the situation and be able to step back from it all and view it as other people view it from the outside looking in. I am eager and excited to share the rest of this journey with everyone. and if I can even help one family decide to handle things differently for the kids then I have done my part and wll be satisfied :) thank you for all of your support and kind kind words!!!
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