I think that dream Monday messed with my head some. I thought today was going to be more difficult than it has been so far, but the simple truth is that I am not emotionally attached to whatever does or doesn't happen today. I held the first pun contest because I and the mirrored connection that much of this journey was inspired by shared a love of puns and dry humor type jokes. I have been writing poetry again and I enjoy sharing it. On some level I have had to just accept the fact that I can't change how I feel or what I know in my heart to be true, but it isn't going to stop the mission either way.
I know I started all of these changes because I made promises that I hadn't realized I forgot how to keep. It's a little hard to not reach out today because it's her birthday, but I no longer have that "need" to change anything external to myself. I never had a problem with anything about her, but when I realized I honestly didn't know to be happy without her in the picture it made me face my worst fear, that empty hole inside of me left from years of repressed emotions, feelings of inadequacy, and all of my other issues. No one could have ever filled that, because I didn't even know what had caused all of it at the time. I don't have any expectations any more and I admit I still have hope that things work out one day, but I understand why they didn't now at least. If you ever read this, just know that I did fix it and I'm sorry for trying to blame you for something you wouldn't have been able to do in the first place. Becoming the person I let you believe I was is the best thing I could think to do for today. Namaste.
Damn man, you've come a long way, well said here.
"I realized honestly didn't know to be happy without her in the picture it made me face my worst fear, that empty hole inside of me left from years of repressed emotions, feelings of inadequacy, and all of my other issues. No one could have ever filled that, because I didn't even know what had caused all of it at the time. " yes.
:)