"I can’t control your behavior;
nor do I want that burden …
but I will not apologize
for refusing to be disrespected,
to be lied to, or to be mistreated.
I have standards;
step up or step out.”
~ Dr. Steve MaraboliI found this quote tonight as I was surfing the net. It gave me pause to think about some things.
I wondered how many of us try to get someone
to stop lying
to stop name calling
to stop accusing us
to stop disrespecting or
to stop betraying us.
How can they stop if they don't hear you. That's the whole crux of the problem. The person hurting you isn't stopping because they aren't listening. In their mind, it's your fault that something is wrong.
If someone you love is causing you pain and rebuffs you, they are in denial.
Is your life full of ongoing drama?
Do you feel a need to resolve the same issues over and over again?
Are you sad? depressed? anxious? unhappy? angry?
Is this person lifting your spirits or crushing them?
Is what you do or say important enough to be heard and appreciated?
If your relationship is turbulent, you may find that you question your sanity at times, or wonder if YOU are in the wrong.
You'll most likely lose your confidence.
Feeling unworthy, not good enough or other unhelpful self talk will become the norm. These feelings and thoughts are a result of believing the person whose beating you down.
You will have difficulty trusting others.
Isolating and being self protective may seem like the right thing but it's a vicious cycle.
Isolation begets isolation.
Most people won't understand what you are going through. They may know your loved one in a different light and find it hard to see them the way you are describing. You won't want to tell them because you think they will judge you so you keep them at a distance. You'll find it difficult to make eye contact because you don't want your eyes to give your pain away.
You will become emotionally paralyzed. Meaning, numb. It will be tough to discern what you are feeling. You'll most likely only be able to say "I'm sad, or I'm depressed, or I don't feel well." Anger will become a shield for your fear, shame and guilt. It might not be explosive anger, it might come out as a passive action or irritability.
As anxiety creeps in you'll become jumpy and startle easily. Prolonged anxiety isn't good for your physical health and some believe it's the precursor to depression.
Another problem with staying in a relationship like this is that it will affect your health. Chemicals and hormones in our bodies react to drama, sadness, confusion and emotional pain. Our immune system suffers, opening us up to illnesses making it harder to fight off viruses and bacteria. Our eating patterns will most likely change too which can make us even more vulnerable to illness.
Personally, I don't believe in "x" ing people out of my life. I believe in cutting ties and treating the hurtful loved one like a stranger rather than a significant other or friend. A stranger is not familiar with your thoughts or the details of your life. You can be polite if you bump into them, but you won't be sharing anything of importance with them. Think of the kinds of things you talk about to the grocery store clerk, or bank teller or someone you say hello to on a walk. You say hello, how are you and walk away.
What's the answer?
You cannot control another person's behavior or speech or thoughts.
You can, however, control you.
You can control what you allow and what you won't allow.
You can control how you respond or react to bad behavior and verbal or emotional abuse.
If you are experiencing something similar to this, tell someone. If they don't listen or minimize what you've told them tell your family doctor, teacher, your clergy, anyone you trust.
Remember,
you are not crazy
you are not alone
There is help and there is a way out.
written by
© 2018, © all rights reserved
Disclaimer -
I am not a psychologist, therapist, doctor, social worker or expert in bullying or verbal abuse. Everything I have shared here is what I have learned over the years from attending classes, reading and through personal experience.
photo sources
AB. SO. LUTELY. In my life, after 7 years of destructive negativity - I actually DID need to X them out of my life. There have been multiple attempts to speak truth to them, pray for them, pray WITH them, distance myself, etc. It became obvious that the only thing that mght help them see the damage they're causing is to remove myself completely. I hope that the relationship will be restored properly, but until they start to see what they're actions do to everyone (i'm not the only one in my family that has finally had to sever ties) then they will have to live separated from us, unable to bring chaos into our peace - and war into our sanity.... awful, awful reality - but we will wait until God brings healing. Thank you for this post! I hope that anyone out there who is too scared or intimidated into standing up to the bullies of their lives - will be a little bit more rallied after reading this post!
What I mean by X ing them out is permanent. Not leaving the door open for reconciliation. After giving this more thought, I realized that there are a couple of people in my life who would not be welcome in even as a stranger.
I can relate to your words with someone who brings chaos, war - I used to call it emotional terriorism! I'm shaking thinking about it. Anyhow...it's a great topic but hard to face. Separation never helped in my situation. So that person has X'd themselves because they believe I was the problem. Go figure.
You are a great person to talk to @dreemsteem and always have something of value to say. Thank you.
I love talking to you too!!! funny how we can connect through comments right? :)
and i see what you mean. Yes - we should always leave the door open for reconciliation. even when it seems humanly impossible.... leave the heart open for miracles :)
and emotional terrorism!!!!!!! that is EXACTLY how i would describe it. I'll have to keep that one in my back pocket (and give you credit of course if I use it! hehehe)
Thanks for sharing your experience and knowledge, @countrygirl. I'm sure that all of us have met at least one bully on his/her way. Unfortunately. But that made me think, what if we are also bullies? For others? I've just got a bit terrified by this thought.
I think it you were a bully or an abusive type of person, you wouldn't be asking the question. You could ask someone you trust and who knows you well, if you want to know if you are a bully.
The bullies I know, deny they did anything wrong. They have a knack of pivoting the story in their favor and blaming you for the problem. I think it's called gaslighting when they do that.
It's hard to live in a situation like this, that's for sure.
Too true, @agniese you would not ever think to ask yourself if you were a bully if you were one. They are too full of themselves to ever think it a possibility. @countrygirl you are so right about the bullies denying and blaming you for the issues you are having. You have great instincts.
haha...or too much practice and experience. :)
You’re both right, I believe so. Way too much empathy in me - that’s what I heard from somebody who knows me 15 years. I’m very glad that you brought up this problem, @countrygirl, it caused a few interesting conversations I had with some friends these last days.
The intimidation you mean is often called bully. This is very dangerous especially for young children who are still in school. They will be frightened, lose their confidence and feel ashamed if treated like that.
Yes it is bullying. Not something that always happens to children unfortunately. Adults can be bullied and I think they call it toxic relationships....but it's verbal abuse and bullying nonetheless.
Thanks for reading and commenting @zamzamiali. I appreciate your support.
Thats right @countrygirl, adults can also be treated like that.
Ur welcome, Im ready always for support :)
Words of wisdom! Been there, and divorced him many years ago! Best decision ever. So many lessons to be learned in one lifetime!
From the comments I've received so far, it seems to be familiar to too many people. Thanks for reading, sharing a bit and commenting!!
Bullying is a terrible thing. I see it in younger people, middle aged people and shockingly enough, even in the elderly. I worked in an aged care facility and couldn't believe what I was witnessing on occasions. I've never been able to tolerate it and have only been bullied once in the work place in my forties. It was a most unpleasant and stressful situation but I certainly wasn't prepared to put up with it. I come across as a shy (believe it or not) but easy going sort of person but the person who tried to grind me down with relentless bullying didn't know I had a short threshold for that sort of behaviour. I couldn't afford to loose my job but I can't stand injustice whether it be directed to me or to anyone else, and after going through the correct channels to have it dealt with the perpetrator ended up leaving the job because many other victims found the strength to speak up too. This is a great post to get us thinking about this subject. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
I worked with the elderly too and have seen mean elderly people - probably in some stage of dementia, but they've hurt other residents and nurses. But, I have also seen mean and abusive family members and staff hurting them.
In my last workplace, I was stalked by a female bully. No one believed me that she was doing it to me. She was finally caught hurting someone else and was fired. It's hard not being believed. It does something to your soul.
Thanks for your great response @trudeehunter!
It is definitely hard when others do not believe you are in situation where someone is just tormenting you. I'm very glad your perpetrator was found out. It does do something to you when you are not believed. Hits something deep inside (soul good word) or your core being.
It truly does @seareader1. Invalidation makes me crazy. Being minimalized or marginalized, the same. It causes self doubt and scrambles the truth.
Good point.
Maybe you are not a psychologist and all the other professions you described, but your post is very valuable. As a teacher and a Principal I often encountered students who needed help because of the situation you described. I followed more or less the same path that you described and it was so great to see how these children developed in a different direction and became more self-confident. Bullying and therefore less self-respect are so bad, that is an obligation for a responsible adult to do something about it. When you can help someone be a stronger person, that is the reward in itself.
It must be so heartbreaking for you to see students in abusive relationships whether at home or with their peers and not be able to fix it for them. I would feel helpless for those who don't yet recognize it.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply @clio.
An absolutely essential post. I think most of us have had this in some form or another. Either from youth or interaction with family and also our partners at times. I definitely had this issue when I was married. A definite toxic relationship. Sometimes you do not see it for what it is at the time, until you are in it for a bit. <3
That is the truth. And that's why people tend to stay as long as they do. It's hard to see the forest for the trees.
Thanks for your great input!
That part alone stuck a cord for me. As I read on I seen so much that relates to a person I should sadly be close to.
Instead, I have put distance between us. I recognized what she was doing and only put up with it while I had to.
The person I am speaking of has not always, at least to my knowledge, been this way. I found my self trying to reason with her and quickly realize there was no reasoning with a person who chooses to be like that.
I'm just thankful that I realize I do not have to put up with it, not even from a family member I should be close to.
I am sorry you have someone in your life like this too. It's tough. It's good to hear from others who understand and I have been encouraged by some of the comments on here.
Making the decision to put distance between you and the bully is hard. No one likes to offend the offender.
This is very insfightful. It's relatable. Honestly, I can see myself in this post. I want to thank you for somehow it helps to know one's personality. ;)
Oh good, I'm glad you found it useful. thanks so much for taking the time to read it.
You are welcome. Any topic that I find interesting, I always find time to read. ;)
Thanks for your insightful post on bullying, which gives me a pause. Although I've never been bullied before, but sometimes I had difficulties in relationship with some people. This post might help. Thanks and followed you :)
Oh thank you so much @sujisyndrome. I appreciate the support. I'm glad you could glean a nugget or to from what I wrote.
This is useful for me and maybe also for others ..
Thanks for sharing
Glad to hear it's helpful.
Any problem there must be a way to overcome it..
You are not crazy
You are not alone
There is a help and there is a way out.
Many beautiful sentences. @countrygirl
Just letting you know that copying a few sentences from my post is not a comment. If you don't have anything of your own to say, just leave an upvote if you liked what I wrote. You could be flagged for doing this as it's considered comment spam.
Yes. I took this word from your post. It meant that I liked this sentence. I think, there is a little misunderstanding here.
If I make a mistake, then forgive me. I am really sorry @countrygirl.
anather lovely writing i see here its beautifull thankyou for shareing...
I see you have a low rep. Which tells me you probably need some help on Steemit. Here is a video that was made by another member today. It might help you do better. https://steemit.com/spam/@littlescribe/hey-noobs-don-t-be-spam-your-reputation-depends-on-it
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