Well I dropped off the face of planet Hive again recently. Seems it's been a couple of weeks at least since I stopped posting again. Life gets busy, and blogging is surprisingly hard to keep up with.
It's hard when you feel like the motivation doesn't come, when you have more important things to do, when life gets serious, or when you're just plain tired.
I've been thinking and reading and watching lot's of videos lately about our modern world, and how it sucks you in and keeps you occupied. I don't want to keep missing out on life, wasting life really, but what do you do? This is how things are, this is what the world is.
No matter what I do lately I feel like I'm wasting my time. Whether I'm watching someone play risk on youtube or going to the beach to surf I feel like I should be doing something better. I should be working on our website, or cleaning, or trying to book work, or something productive. And when I'm doing those things I feel like I should be taking the time to enjoy life more, but I can't stop thinking about the future, and how we are going to get by.
Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis, I am turning 40 this year.
I see so many strong and accomplished people, so many guys who have got it figured out, got their lives and their finances and their health and their relationships together, and here I am...
I do have my relationship with my wife, and we love each other very much, and I'm incredibly grateful for her. She's the best thing in my life. At least that's one thing that I feel I've got pretty well figured out.
I have so many ideas and I want to do so many things, and every day I feel those things and ideas slipping through my fingers. It's like I'm grabbing handfuls of sand seeing thousands of beautiful tiny diamonds that I can touch but never hold. Occasionally a few of them stick to my hands and I can look at them more closely, examine them and maybe even keep them, do something with them, but most of those little diamonds might as well be drops of water.
And I keep plunging my hands into the sand
And I think to myself "if I can only hold it tight enough I can keep some of them" but the tighter I hold the more they all slip away.
I went to play music with one of my best friends the other day, we jammed and hung out for like three hours, and it was great when we were lost in it, but most of the time I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that I was taking too long and I really should be doing something more important, should be working, should be productive.
I have so many photo projects that I want to do, and so many art projects that I want to do, and so many other things that I want to do, and I just can't do any of them.
I remember when my grandpa was still alive, he was 85 and he could barely walk, and kept talking about all these things that he needed to get done. He needed to weld this thing or fix that machine or finish that project. And nobody had the heart to tell him "grandpa you're 85 years old, you can hardly walk, you're never gonna finish any of that stuff". I'm scared that's how I'm gonna end up, I know that's how I'm gonna end up. And I don't want to never be satisfied, or never finish what I'm working on, or work forever and miss life, or try to enjoy life but be thinking about other things.
It's like a poison in my mind, or maybe it's more like a disease. I've been trying to cure it but I can feel it just getting stronger.
I've been doing some meditation with my wife before bed, it really helps her sleep, and it helps me sleep too. Maybe that is the answer, to be able to regulate my thoughts, and be at peace with the fact that the world will go as it pleases, and I can either fight against the current or swim along with it.
Maybe the best thing is to just let go...
I don't know, and I hate not knowing.