Today I would like to tell you a bit more about myself, why I do what I do, and why I'm working so hard at getting there. Wherever "there" is.
This morning I woke up, and as usual, followed my morning routine to check in on all my social media. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who has this routine.
You don't even have this routine
What do you mean by that Fictional Reader?
Well, first of all you don't normally wake up in the morning
Well sometimes I do, depends on my schedule.
YOU DON'T HAVE A SCHEDULE!
Fair enough
Anyway, as I was saying. This morning (afternoon) ok, afternoon...
There happy now?
Yeah
Cool, can I continue now?
Sure, continue!
So, this AFTERNOON, I woke up and did my normal routine (looks over at Fictional Reader)....
I get to Facebook, and as fairly common there is that "Facebook memories" at the top of my feed. You know the one, it shows you a random post you made in the past. I'm not the biggest fan of this feature, because more often than not it kinda depresses me when I see those memories. But, today's memory was one that I needed. I needed it especially right now.
It was me linking to a website I had just found called PhishTracks.com
When I had linked to it I had also wrote this.
"Ok this is just freaking awesome. Someone gave me my first Phish cassette in 92' while I was in treatment after a suicide attempt. I listened to that tape over and over and over again. Playing mainly the song "Glide" so much so that I still to this day will randomly start singing it.
"And we're glad glad glad that you're alive
And we're glad glad glad that you'll arrive""
So why did I needed to be reminded of this memory today? I'll get to that but first let me tell you why I normally hate the Facebook Memories feature. I promise you it all ties in, so just say with me.
Normally when I see a memory pop up in my feed, it is a picture of me when I feel better about myself and my image. I struggle a lot with body image issues like most people do. But for me I would say they are not just passing thoughts. You see I'm transgender and up until a few years ago I had presented much more like myself. However, since then I lost my job, lost most of my income, and my depression for the last several years has had the best of me.
Today, I hate to look into the mirror. I hate what I see. Me the person Lindsay (not dj FUGLY) is a freaking awesome person I know this. My memories often times remind me of this. But these days I don't feel like Lindsay, I don't feel like the person I see in those pictures. I don't feel that happiness and hope that I felt then.
Now being bipolar I know this is passing, I know that tomorrow, hell even later today I could be on top of the world. But that's just part of it. Often times I feel my depressive states are getting longer, as I get older. As I get further away from the person I see in those Facebook memories, and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.
When you suffer mental health related issues, and grew up seeing your family suffer from them you get a perspective of what your future could end up looking like. Watching the people you are supposed to love be chipped away by there mental health is painful to watch. What's worse is being able to identify with it because you know it first hand.
I'm older than I'm willing to admit under my "dj FUGLY" branding, but I can tell you that my mental health issues has chipped away about me. So, when I see those memories on Facebook, and I look at myself, I have a longing to be there again. To be that person again. But, today I feel so far away from that person that I don't even know how I would get there.
As promised I would tell you why that post about the song "Glide" was something I needed to see. For the last week I have been struggling with my depressing pretty bad. I knew it was bound to happen, considering I just prior came out of a really intense manic phase that lasted way longer than I'm normally comfortable with.
That's the thing with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder, your highs (mania) can be extremely high and last for longer periods of time, and the same goes with your lows (depression). It's such a massive swing that it can be overwhelming. I'm extremely hard on myself when it comes to my expectations. I'm too stubborn to give in, or give up.
And sometimes I just need to hear
"And we're glad glad glad that you're alive,
And we're glad glad glad that you'll arrive"
Thanks Fictional Reader, you have a lovely voice
No problem, you're welcome, and thanks
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and if you'd like to hear a live version of the song, you can do so here courtesy of a Youtube person named j0ndaily and Phish supporting bootlegs of their shows.
-dj FUGLY
Electronic Music Producer
[Follow me on Spotify]
New Single"Don't Wait" Out now on all platforms Click here to listen
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Lindsay, what an honest and self-revealing post. So many steps up from the recycled memes that are found on others' blogs.
From what you wrote, I'm figuring that you're going through some transitions, and you're becoming the NEW version of you. That might be why seeing old photos on Facebook are jarring; they may represent a time when you felt happier in your skin, but they're still an old version of you.
Sounds like it might be a good idea not to be on Facebook, eh? ;-)
Hey @bananamemos thanks so much for responding, you always brighten my day. Yeah there is a lot of recycled stuff on here for sure :/. I was a bit iffy about writing that post, but I realized I don't want to trap myself into this image that prevents me from being genuine. Because I realize that if I don't do that then then I'm free to write posts even on bad days. You're very right about Facebook, I actually don't spend hardly as much time on there as I used to. I would fully get rid of it, if it were not for being connected to so many people, I have known is the arts communities that I've been involved in.
Much love to you
Likewise, @djfugly ~ I rarely use FB anymore, except for keeping track of people I've connected with over the years. Except now, FB is becoming a new place to promote my steemit blog. hahaha
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Thanks <3
No te conozco pero estoy FELIZ FELIZ de que estés vivo, este es un tema bastante delicado para mi (No hablo de esto y en este momento voy abrir un poco mi corazón contigo). Mi mama hace 2 años entro en una etapa depresiva, en mi casa vivíamos mi mama, mi hermana y yo, en realidad la palabra tristeza o depresión no eran una enfermedad para mi, en realidad no le tome la mínima importancia, y mi mama se murió, todavía no lo creo y siento que estoy a estas alturas en negación absoluta y eso me da mucho miedo, pero no es el punto, el punto es que yo, debido a esta situación, comencé a tener ataques mentales, (cosa que nunca yo hablo con nadie) pensamientos horribles, pero lo que a mi me consumía por dentro era la CULPA ( lo que hiciste y lo que pudiste hacer) porque por lo general nos enseñan a perdonar a otras personas, y es normal pero ¿ Como se perdona a uno mismo si somos los mas duros con nosotros mismos? y eso todavía me persigue, yo no hice NADA prácticamente para ayudar a mi madre en esa situación, porque no lo entendí la enfermedad si no como una tristeza como todos los venezolano por la situación país.
En fin! comencé a experimentar pánico y ansiedad (Mental) por que lo llamo mental? es porque yo estaba bien por fuera, mientras que en mi mente estaba en una explosión interna horrible, es impresionante porque es como si tu mismo fueras tu propio enemigo, es tu mente la que te juega ese papel espantoso, pensé que me iba a volver loca y por fuera aparentaba una fuerza y cordura que nadie se imagina.
Hasta que vi un vídeo, en donde un hombre dijo que tenia ataques de pánico y ansiedad, busque en google entendí que no me estaba volviendo loca,es un síntoma de esa enfermedad, decía lo que yo sentía y pensaba y en ese momento me dije " Dios mio esto no solo me esta pasando a mi solamente en el mundo, esto tiene nombre, es una enfermedad" en ese momento sentí casi que un alivio.
Que me ha ayudado ??? Dios!!! para mi no hay nada en la tierra que pueda superar lo que Dios puede hacer, ahora asisto a una iglesia, me ayuda a tener esa conexión con Dios y a corroborar que para mi es el único que no falla nunca y así lo siento, y así lo creo y su palabra así está escrita, me aferro a Dios intensamente, hay algunos pensamientos que pasan por mi mente en ocasiones, pero los detecto y ya no siento el pánico o miedo de antes.
Tenemos que buscar más allá de lo terrenal, nuestra mente tiene que volar a tener una fe inquebrantable, Dios esta con nosotros, todos los días despertamos con nueva oportunidad de vida para agradecer por lo que tenemos y lo que no también.
Agradece a Dios por todas las personas que tienes a tu alrededor y que te aman eso es super valioso. DIOS te ama por sobre todas las cosas y todas las cosas que nos pasan son para mejorar nuestro carácter y nos fortalecen, su tiempo es perfecto.
Espero haberte ayudado un poco, no estas solo, todos los días cada persona despierta con sus batallas, pero Dios nos ayuda a superarlas.
Dios te ama.
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