That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.
Waking up every morning isn't what it used to be. I just feel numb on the inside. This is good, better than the tears that constantly stream down my face. Every night insomnia attack but that is what makes it bearable. A month after our breakup, I feel numb from screaming, crying, palpitating, hyperventilating and remorse over our failed relationship. He told me before he wouldn't hurt me, wouldn't leave me and wouldn't find another woman. He even told me it's us against the world. But what happened? He simply fell out of love.
We have two kids yet he loves the other woman more. Even coming home at midnight from God-knows-where. It hurt a lot to see that I am not the one who fulfill his happiness. It hurts to see our love fade away. A month of our breakup doesn't justify the sorrow I feel. It is ten times greater than what pain I have felt before. A month after breakup how am I, if you ask? I say I am numb and my love for him is starting to burst a bubble at a time until it disappears. A month after I feel numb in my heart. There are still fragments that is still there with a love we once had but it is already less than half… it is nearing extinction.
The first month of our breakup was a totally shattering experience. I am at lost for words and my eyes were swollen every night. I ask myself why do this pain happened to me? Am I not good enough? Am I not kind enough? There are millions of images of them and questions of why am I not the perfect person for him despite of all the struggles and achievements we shared. The first month was the worst, and this was just last month. I am completely shattered to my core. I was trying pitifully to fix the broken pieces even though I was pricked and scorned a hundred times. Wow, you might be wondering how does a hundred times fit in 30 days? Well, you don't want to know. I was crazy. I felt crazy. I felt betrayed. I felt it was all my fault. I felt it was that bitch's fault. I felt it as his fault. I felt it was our fault. I was a complete mess.
Now what?
I don't really know. My battle plan for now is completely ignore the asshole and the bitch. I will focus on myself and my 2 kids because they need me more. I need me more. I was too focus on him when we were together, making him a priority and such that's why I think he simply took me for granted. I also took myself for granted so no argument on that. I will ignore them and find my inner peace. Thank God I have real friends who has my back and of course, God as well. He gave me directions (that I am too stubborn to follow sometimes). For now, I will focus on myself and my kids and find happiness in the process. I just pray and hope I will be contented with what I have soon, minus the father of my kids.
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