You are wise beyond your years. It takes courage to live life on your own terms. It requires you to take responsibility for your decisions. Many people love to follow others' advice, because they have someone to blame when it doesn't work out.
When I was younger decisions were made that impacted my life. At the time, I didn't always like them, but now I appreciate it. Most notably was when we moved from the Boston area to Illinois when I was in eighth grade. On top of that my parents enrolled my in a Catholic school. I know these types of decisions are made for use when we are young, thankfully, my parent's intentions were well meaning. It didn't always produce the results they expected.
In particular, the discussion about free will in religion class changed my life, and drove the Nuns crazy for the next few years. I was always a thinker and the way they presented the concept of free will struck a chord with me. Basically, it was presented that God gave us free will and we needed to use that to make decisions that would get us into heaven otherwise we would end up in hell. In my mind I saw this as coercion, not free will. When I expressed this, I was told we would discuss it later but later never came.
This conflicted with how I saw God. In my mind he was kind, loving, and forgiving. Why would he punish our souls for making a mistake. Would he really send us to Hell for eating meat on Friday? I think not.
Eventually, the Nuns gave me a boilerplate response to these type of question. They would tell me I need to have faith and just believe.
I never asked what I was supposed to have faith in or who I was to believe in, I just answered that question for myself. I decide to have faith in myself. That taught me to think for myself and make my own decisions. Yes, I made a few that weren't great, but I own that. Thankfully, none were ones that prevented me from making amends or changing my course of action if it didn't go as planned
Love this! When it comes to religion it gets even trickier because there are many customs or norms that may or may not even be beneficial to your life. In fact some may even harm you. We are the same in that we both question things and want to not be put in boxes.
As far as God and free will well I would love to dig into that. Care to discuss it on discord? I'm there @HumanEarl if so. Love your thoughts and thanks for even understanding.
I would love to discuss free will with you. I'm still trying to get the hang of discord. Hopefully, I will have some time in the near future.