I can't really say I am scared of death, but no, I don't want life to end. I have finally started going to the doctors on a regular basis after a few decades of daily pain. I blame my wife for this, she makes me go. I guess she can see it in my face when I move and hear it in my voice when I speak.
I hate doctors, I don't think they really do a job other then regurgitate what someone else before them wrote in a book based off of what you tell them. This is irritating as fuck when you're in pain and they just throw medications at you in place of solving the problem. 2017 was my first surgery, I avoided surgery in 2016 by just powering through the pain and doing some old school self healing. I am trying to avoid some more serious surgeries in 2018.
Surgery doesn't bother me to much, you go to sleep in pain and wake up in pain. That is pretty much every other moment of my life. That is normal to me, but fixing things one by one leads to new pains. Yes! Awesome, fix one thing causing pain and get a new set of pain or symptoms. I avoided double arm surgery, good for me. I completed stomach surgery and started to work on my back and neck.
My back has always been an issue, I must admit I do now stand almost 5 inches taller this year. My wife hates that, she is a short little tiny woman and now I fully tower over her as I should. I don't notice too much, never did when I couldn't stand up straight. I had to look down, the same as I do now at her. I guess for her looking up more is noticeable.
My migraines are what have been really fucking me up for years, years really mean since I was under ten. They did not happen as often long ago or I just don't remember them. There is a lot I do not remember, basically anything from my first twenty years of life is blank. As a baby of 6 kids I get 7 different stories of my childhood between my parents and siblings. I don't know if it is funny that none of them can make a coherent collaborating story or sad that no one really knows what the fuck the past is. This is part of the reason I don't believe a lot of history as it is told. Nobody is unbiased, so nothing you get told is really true.
My problem, I am facing now is short term memory loss. This scares me to death. I lose a few days each day to vividly remember it all a few days later. So now I face life not having any memories of childhood and a house full of children I am fearful that I will forget in sections. Not that I will forget who my children are but that I may forget key elements of their lives, nature stealing more of my life. So to the doctors I keep going.
I have been seeing the same doctor for a few years, I have been on hundreds of pain killers, muscle relaxers and nerve pills each month for years. They don't really do anything for my pain. My wife became concerned after reading that I really shouldn't have been taking many of them for more than a month before trying alternative methods of pain relief. So YAY, more fucking doctors.
The same thing at each set of offices, they give me text book treatments. They listen without listening. The collect their paychecks without treatments, they are following regulations on what is supposed to be done in place of doctoring to the point where they figure out what the fuck is wrong. I have had so many bottles and injections of radiation for CT scans that I have to sign a waiver each time I take the test, stating I understand the risk to my health from this "service" the doctors are providing.
So now I am in a new set of testing, MRI's. This is great, finally non-invasive imaging technology without radiation. My doctor finally stepped up her game and is recommending test that are safer, great right? Nope my insurance simply will not cover any more CT scans with radiation. I have hit a lifetime maximum ingestion of radiation as far as my insurance company is concerned. Unless it is an emergency room visit, I will never be able to have a radiation CT done under my insurance or any other insurance company that I get.
I don't know if that means if I get cancer if radiation treatment is off the table or if it is just blocked as far as finding the source of injury is concerned. None of these test have been wasted, each one has produced an illness. I am at a fork in the road rather I am pleased they are protecting me or pissed that I am denied these test.
I have to do something. My family is too big to lose me. I am to greedy to give up my life and be without them. I love my pain in the ass wife to much to let her go on without me. I don't want to miss a minute of my kids growing up. I am greedy when it comes to my family. I will continue to do whatever I have to in order to secure more time with them, even if that includes being in so much pain I am fighting back tears.
Here is how I spent my afternoon. This is also an image of what little monster was hiding in my neck. I had a lion cub in my brain and this little winged, Buddha shaped, clown, demon in my neck. Can you see the freaky clown?
Also at just a little under 300 pounds you would have thought they would have had a bigger machine to stick me in, that is why the title of this post. I couldn't help but feel this is what it will feel like to lay in a box after death. Wife, burn me and throw my ashes in paint and have a beautiful mural painted with my ashes. Does this count as a last will and testament since it's on the blockchain??
It looks like a jesus Christ clown to me 😂😂😂😂
Fuck, that was a depressing read...
It shouldn't have been depressing! I am doing what I have to do to get better, that's good! As long as I don't find out I am dying, who gives a fuck about pain?
Well my friend getting old is not for the young . They couldn't handle it . I have been taking pain pills for years . It's a slippery slope . best to avoid or postpone them when possible . I have been going to a Doctor who specializes in pain management for many years . A daily battle .
I did away with insurance companies during the Obama BS care and went to a consineer care for my wife . $70 a month and most everything is taken care of no out of pocket cost no matter how many visits . Best thing we ever did .
Don't want to bring it up but the $100 I loaned you some time back ? Maybe it just slipped your mind with all the things going on
I see the clown :) but the spot to the right of the bone , concern . other wise loose some weight
Take care of yourself , you would be missed my friend
Pain is something people either understand or do not. I don't want any pills, they barely do anything.
I can't really lose but 30 pounds oddly enough, I have a pretty solid frame under a little pudge. The pills have added most of the extra. I do the low to no carb diet most days. I am at 14% body fat with the calibrated machine but 41% if you use the BMI chart, lol. I have daughters, I can't get too small : )
I sent that money back last week, did you forget?
I talk to the doctor tomorrow about the last two scans, I will keep you updated.
I bet my wife intercepted it . damn
I don't like the BMI chart don't think it accurately reflects correctly
yea let me know and if anything I can do
I really understand the pill thing , and I try and avoid them at all cost . drooling rolling on the floor eyes tearing , wife crying and trying to help . true you either understand or you don't no middle ground
"I hate doctors, I don't think they really do a job other then regurgitate what someone else before them wrote in a book based off of what you tell them. This is irritating as fuck when you're in pain and they just throw medications at you in place of solving the problem. 2017 was my first surgery, I avoided surgery in 2016 by just powering through the pain and doing some old school self healing."
You sound like a nice guy, and I wish I could agree with you, but I can't. I understand your rage, my father suffered many years from migraines as well, but a doctor does not just regurgitate a book's content, and you can bet medications are their best shot at solving your problem, which by the way you mention as if its solution was an utter triviality. If they were trivial, thousands of people just like you would already be cured.
I understand your rage, but being angry does not prove this particular point, sadly.
I'm not angry, I just don't think tossing pills at a problem is solving them. I have Sporadic hemiplegic migraines with multiple head injuries. The medications are the problem when the older proven medications that formally worked are replaced with the new ones. I understand how pharmaceutical reps work as I know quite a few. My issue is text book treatment in place of listening to the patient.
if you like Radiohead, it isn't such a bad experience ;-) My "radiohead album" lasted for an hour. Doctors thought I had a rare spinal tumour. The MRI news was all good so now I am short of US$ 800 but the peace of mind! I think I might have paid five times as much for it.
Hope your doctors find out the best way o assist you. Good luck.
I am sure, I will be fine. I have walked out of to many "it should have" killed me experiences without a scratch. Either something is watching over me or whoever is on the other side doesn't want me yet.
Maybe one of your saintly ancestors is putting a strong upvote for you ;-)
Take care, my friend. You have a good wife in your corner also. It shows you are a smart person. Do all you can to get to the bottom of it.
BTW - I also felt it was a coffin - it was my first thought and that thought held me for a bit in there. I calmed myself down with thoughts of radiohead. I was really scared. I can identify (mine was just two weeks ago)
First you are a dork, second I AM NOT SHORT!!!!!
😂No you are not @imaginedragon. @erodedthoughts is just happy he is taller now, I think.
Yes he it, but it is running joke with him and our kids that I am short. There is only one child shorter than me, and that is our youngest daughter Kaylie. Our oldest is 6'5" and our oldest daughter is 5'11" and our middle daughter is 5'7". The next 2 boys are not done growing yet and they are taller than me. So, it is a running joke that I am the 2nd shortest in the family lol
At least we have three 5 and under. You'll have another 10 years to be tall : )
You are SO NOT FUNNY!!!!!
;-)
This competition is over!
That is some freaky clown bro. In black and white too like some vintage horror flick. 😂
It got a cape too; the joker maybe?
lol, I thought they looked like wings. It could be a cape too.