If you ask me to describe myself, the first thing that comes to mind that I would tell you is that I have very low self-esteem or low self-confidence. I am quite shy that if you don't know me or you have just met me, you would think I'm not friendly or I am a snob.
But I'm not like that at all. In fact, I like meeting new people and making friends, but I just can't initiate a conversation with you if I've only just met you. I am reserved so I would wait for you to break the ice before I could freely lose my inhibitions and start opening up to you.
Have I always been like this ever since I was a child? Was I born with this personality? I wasn't born with it. Looking back, I was actually not that shy at all. In fact, I remember that when I was 4 to 5 years old, my grandmother used to always tell me off for frequently butting in on adults' conversation and so I would be sent to upstairs.
I was taught that it was rude to intrude even if I had something worth contributing to a discussion. What could a 4- or a 5-year-old child possibly say that would impress her audience? But because I was told to go upstairs or stay in my room, I would oblige, of course. I was an obedient girl. I listened to and respected my elders.
I did exude a lot of confidence during my early childhood years. I'd say up until I was 9 years old. I loved participating in school programs. I would volunteer myself to perform a solo song number on a school stage because I believed I had a talent in singing. (Little did I know that I was delusional, haha!!!) I even pleaded with my mother that we should go to this popular TV network because I wanted to join the girls' pageant, called "Little Miss Philippines." I had things listed down already that would make me a good candidate on this pageant, such as:
My favourite motto, "Huwag mong gawin sa kapwa mo ang ayaw mong gawin sa iyo." (Don't do to others what you would not want done to you.)
Talent portion: A song number, a rendition of Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love of All
Question and Answer --- I would write down a list of questions that the hosts might ask me. Well, I was that confident that whatever question thrown at me, I would be able to answer without stammering.
Thinking about all of this now makes me cringe about myself. What a smart-ass I was! Perhaps it was the reason why the elders would send me to my room because they did not appreciate I could have an opinion about something, or that I asked too many questions.
My mother, by the way, did not take me to the TV network so I could audition for Little Miss Philippines. This pageant was only for girls from 3 to 7 years old. So when I was almost 7 years old and still had not set foot on that TV station, my DREEM of becoming a child star slowly faded into thin air. I blamed my mother for it. She left home, hence, I could not badger her anymore into helping me make my dreem come true.
Back in the late 80s and early 90s, I didn't know of anyone whose parents were separated and whose mother or father had another family. I guess I was only a little child then so I didn't even know that this form of family dynamics existed until it happened to my own family.
My mother moved out of the house in 1989 and left me and my 4 siblings to our father's care. I thought we were abandoned because we had not seen her for many months.
Then, three years later after my mother left, my father talked to us about him wanting to have someone who could help him raise us, his children, and someone who could be his wife. I was 9 years old when my father discussed this with us.
At the time, I thought it was really no big deal since our mother was not home anyway. And when she would occasionally visit, it would always turn into hostile disagreements between my parents. It was just too horrible and not a pleasant sight, indeed, to be witnessed by five innocent young children.
Our family then became the favourite topic of gossipmongers in the neighbourhood. Yes, they had no better things to do but talk about other people. We were their breakfast, lunch and supper. Because of this, I grew more and more conscious of what other people would say or think about us. I always wondered if they were talking about me when I walked past them and I would see them looking at me. Any child should not feel this way.
The confident girl that I once was turned into a shy, sensitive child. I would rather stay at home and not play with other children on the streets. Not because I rejected their friendship, but I just didn't want to see their parents talking about me. It wasn't some sort of delusion that they were talking about me or my family. I knew this for a fact because some of my playmates would tell me things and ask me questions like:
"Do you have a new mom?"
"My mom said you have two moms. I only have one."
"Where does your first mom live?"
"I haven't seen your mom in a long time."
In the neighbourhood where houses were situated next to each other and the street was very narrow that only one car could drive through at a time, it was easy to say that everyone knew each other. Everyone was close to each other. Except us. Our house was right in the middle of row houses and yet no one wanted to know us. I began to feel like an outcast... a stranger in a place where I was born and raised, where I grew up.
And because of that, I got too embarrassed to go out of the house, I started losing friends one by one. Have I ever blamed my parents for a massive change in this aspect of my personality? No, not really. When I was growing up, I probably had that resentment towards them, that if it weren't for our constant family drama, that I would not feel this way about myself.
Yes, I lost that confidence, or belief in myself, that my "being me" was not enough to make friends. It became a new personality altogether and I grew up into this person that I am sometimes ashamed of.
But, on the other hand, I diverted my focus on my studies instead. I didn't care about having playmates anymore. I didn't care if my old friends would not even look me in the eye. Even if they didn't want to know me or be my friends anymore, I said to myself, "That's okay. I can still find good and real friends somewhere else."
And I was right. I went to high school and, to my surprise, I wasn't alone. I had a few of my classmates, one whose parents had long been separated, one whose father had another family, one who was a bastard (or an illegitimate child), one who was actually her father's other family, and I could go on and on enumerating these family dynamics. I suddenly started feeling a sense of belonging. Finally, I could actually fit in.
I also realised that whatever happened to my family was not something to be ashamed of. People will say a lot of things, but at the end of the day, their thoughts or actions should not have been enough reasons to change my ways, although that experience of being ridiculed or left out had made me strive to be better academically and socially as well.
I learnt that I should steer clear from people who know nothing but spread rumours or attack other people. I also learnt to socialise and be around with like-minded people because with them, I could gain more wisdom and knowledge and they will surely inspire and encourage me in all my endeavours.
