In Saturday experiments, I just write about my real life, where I AM, really, no BS, right now today. I never know where they will go, or where I will stop. If you make it to the end of this, ring the bell.. you win! - If you want to know more about the Saturday Experiment, I'll write a little more about it after the story.

Saturday Experiment - Ready, Get Set! Stop...

For months before a few planned video shoots for my new album, I had been experiencing a brand new pain in my lower back and hip. I've had back problems for a long time. The pains first set in when I was young and lived on a ranch; I fell off a horse at full-run a few too many times. It worsened after a major T-bone car wreck I was involved in. Then, further complicated by some other injuries. I've managed it, got my spine to a point where I felt healed (mostly). This new pain was a beast though, and incredibly painful and frustrating.

photo from the settle down good video shoot

Five days ago, I woke and was laying there in bed in pain. My whole body hurt. I considered not getting up, but there was much to do. Instead, I asked my wise old stuffed honey badger that I keep on the desk speakers in my studio, "you still up for some action." ... well duh.. he's the honey badger, he said "hell ya".

I got moving on some new deals. Planning the album release and working on some tour plans while also drumming up some side work. It turned out to be a honeybadger day.

me and Lori my bass player shooting a scene in Settle Down Good Music Video

When I awoke the next morning, I guess that was Monday, the pain in my back and hip was bad. Real bad!

I went and sat for my morning meditation trying to relax and get a grip. I coughed and suddenly it was if a hot steel rod shoved itself in my hip. Surging pain shot down my leg and my lower back locked up like a wheel lock clamp. I tried to get up and found I couldn't move. I was stuck on the front porch.

Call 911 Baby!

My wife was asleep. I banged on the window. She came out and helped me up. The pain, let's just say, it was AWESOME... in the original sense of the word. I'd never felt anything so bad. She get's me to the bedroom and I turn sweaty and pale white. I felt like I was definitely going to vomit.. she grabbed a trash can and the rest of the story she had to tell me later, cause I passed out and went face down on the hardwood floor. I'm lucky I didn't break my front teeth. I was out for a good couple of minutes. She thought I had had a heart attack or had died.. she called 911.

Ezra the Honey Badger

my family buys me honeybadger collectibles for some reason. This is my favorite. He sits on my studio speakers, his name is kingez

My family jokes with me that I am the honey-badger. They even buy me t-shirts and stuffed honeybadger toys on holidays. Their jokes stem from the many times over the years they have seen me in positions in life, career, and health where it looked like I was finally down for the count; even a few times where they thought I was dead or about to be. Yet, within another week, they find me knee deep in reinventing myself, on my feet, or halfway through some insanely huge project. I have to say, I am forever grateful for that part of my personality. It has helped me through some tough times.

When this hip and back issue flared up again months ago. I found myself laying on my studio sofa; having done nothing on the new videos or album for weeks. I was staring at my stuffed honey-badger on my desk speakers as I often do. The pain had exhausted me. If you have had nerve/lower back issues, you know: even if it's not debilitating at the moment, it is exhausting because it doesn't let up. I was trying to plan a tour for 2018, and I couldn't even sit down for more than 30 minutes without whimpering in pain... how exactly was I to travel across the US? I was overreacting, but I felt like I was doomed. I didn't feel like a honey badger anymore.

The year of 2017 was almost completely consumed with me trying to fund, record and produce my new album. This is my seventh studio album. I'm really proud of it. Should be coming out in early to mid-2018

The Best Of Years, The Worst Of Years

Beyond the back issues, the album and the videos; I have felt like I was going 'down for the count' for months previous to this. I had gone too far on the new album, as in dangerously far financially, but too far in other ways also. We have a fragile ecosystem at our house, in every way: Emotionally, relationally, financially etc.. We live that way by choice but I had overstepped all our boundaries by the end of this one-year-long album project.

The Family Studio 2017

Me and my family are all artists, we all have studios in our small house. We work & school (my daughter) from home. That is the first reason for its 'fragility.' We are constantly, neverendingly, in each other's business & space. There is no escaping the 'others' in the room.

My wife is a Chase and Repousse (her site) artist. If you don't know what that is: I describe it as carving metal. She hits silver and gold with little hammers all day. She's into authentic old-world creating. Her tools being not much different than what a metalsmith would have used 1,000 years ago. Translation: She's loud. There is a hammer dink dink dink'n from morning till evening sometimes.

My wife is a Chase and Repousse artist and teacher. She forms these works from flat pieces of silver and gold with little hammers.

Her studio is in the kitchen. My area is on the other side of the wall: my music studio – which used to be our library and hallway. I spend a lot of my time recording. The scene in our house, if I can describe it; I'm sure would look crazy. She in her studio, dink dink dink'n on some strip of silver, me sing sing sing'n in the next room. When I'm ready to do a recording take; I have to yell across the house: "quiet 10 minutes." She goes and get's a coffee or checks on Cozy (our daughter), and I do a vocal take. Then, "Okay, back on your heads," I yell, when the take is done... then I hear the 'dink dink dink' of hammer on metal.

This year I take a little credit for her new line which is focused on reptiles... hey that was my idea! I want a cut of the sale! ;)

One of Cozy's studios is in our living room. She is a very prolific painter but she also has a gym in one of our old studio rooms, and has recently picked up guitar and singing. During the scene above described, she's either working on school work next to her mom, or painting, or doing flips next to my studio and sometimes making a dramatic scene because one of her painting projects is not coming together as expected.

My son was with us for awhile this year. He took over my wife's old studio. He's a writer, so at least he's not hammering on something. He just eats all the food. But I've written about our routines many times; on to this year's look at them.

The Garden has shadows

As I said earlier, this year, 2017, really took a toll on me, and in many ways, on our happy little ecosystem. It was a good beginning to the year, with some travel and shows, The main hardships were just trying to get funds for the album and I did think I was giving up live performance forever... call me Barabra Streisand, it didn't work. But the summer brought some unexpected tragedies that nearly tipped my little boat.

image from florida show

For years previous, I have been so proud of our little 'Garden of Eden' as I call it (or sometimes our 'boat). It was in the beginning, which was about 5 years ago, to be only an experiment.

me and my family on stage-new years show

The experiment was: Can we walk away? Away from it all.. from careers and expectations and go our own way, as a family. Can we walk away from what everyone expects a family to be and do; What our family expects us to be and do. What the society says is a 'normal' life, and make our own life. And the hardest one: my wife and I, can we walk away from all the burdens and expectations we've laid on each other in the past? Can we make a haven in the middle of the city where we do what we love, help others to do what they love; where love can rule.

Made To Be Mine - A Live Recorded Music Video from 2017 in a nice little meditation garden Halli and Cozy built.

Though we live in a strange way to some's thinking, it worked (and still does), we live happy and full lives. We live our life as a family.

There is no need for our kids to 'fit-in,' to our schedule, they are right in the middle of it at all times. No need to make alone-time with my wife, we were in an intimate conversation from morning coffee 'till after hours.

We chose, years ago, to give up a lot of things that most people consider necessary in this life. We go 'without' frequently. But we built a life to handle being 'without.' I won't go into detail about what 'without' means to us. But, it's a 'planned without'. At any time in the last four years of our life expereiment, I could have jumped ship on our dream and gone back to a well-paying career that I used to have. But I haven't.

This is goodbye Grandpas from 2017.. My Son's granddad died this year and it got me thinking about my own grandpas. This was also played at my Uncle Jimmy's funeral this year, the last of my grandparent's generation to go. His wife Mary passed earlier in 2017..

I believe in what we are doing even when it looks like I should 'jump ship'. We did it so we could be together. So that we could actually live each and every day... togather, and not 'plan on' living sometime in the future; So that our kids didn't have to live as if they were parentless, raised by strangers, in a seemingly full-time jobs of school, babysitters and 'activities' from kindergarten till ...well, till the rest of their life.

Wear and tear of a Tragic Summer

I've written about this several times, and even wrote a song about it, so I won't go into detail. But over the summer we had someone from our family; someone who was a real foundation in our broader family, take their life. A few weeks later, my son's best friend did the same thing, in the same way, and my son found the body. The many butterfly effects of these tragedies I can't go into in public. But their suicides had direct life-changing impacts on others in my circles. It was so horrific, I'm tearing up again as I write about it again.

Personally, it really messed me up. In the aftermath, I was handling things well. As I said, there were some further personal family effects from the incidents, and so there was much activity going on every day. Lot's of drama. I didn't have time to think or reflect. I was more concerned with my son, and the family members of my cousin.

Thousand Pound Troubles Live Music Video from 2017

A Slow Dimming Light

When the dust settled, I realized something in me had changed. It came upon me slowly. A dim view of life snuck in through the back door while I wasn't looking. At some point, in the chaotic drama, I had begun to let loose of a way of viewing the world, and a spiritual trust, that had saved my own life.

I too had laid nearly dead once. In the decade previous, at my own hands, I had also tried to take my own life. It was a miracle that I lived on the last attempt. But I did. And I changed. My view of the world became one of sheer exuberant gratitude. I was an active alcoholic and addict at the time. I got in a program. I gave all that up and lived free from drugs and alcohol. I even found a long forgotten spiritual way of living. I've read a lot about NDE near death experiences, and what comes about in most of those stories is what came about in my life. I wanted to live, and be-damned any fear, insecurity or shame that would stand in my way.

my stroy in a music video

Getting the Reins Again

It was sometime in November that I realized that over the preceding months I had let go of the reins. I had, in my old life, lived in a nihilistic nightmare. F#$% the inadequate term depression, I was far beyond that, in a hell of despair.

On one November morning this year, I realized that I was feeling as I did in that dark age in my life. It had moved upon me so slowly I didn't notice. But I, once again, was tasting despair. My view of life and the world had slipped into a very cynical and dim light. Though it was not even close to the old way of 'me,' it was close enough to freak me out a bit. It was shocking to me. I had been free from any sensation of despair or depression for five years. I had lived in a paradise of peace, how had I slipped back to this? My album was finished; something I had worked years to make, and I didn't even care. I thought about just not releasing it. Letting music go.

image from the new album promo shoot

But wait! F$%# that!

I can't afford to live in any place that is not joyful. It doesn't matter what is going on. It doesn't matter if there is no money, if nothing is working.. or if I face a hundred or even a thousand failures. If I lose people I love, If I lose dreams, if I lose my health. It doesn't matter. I can't afford to waist one more breath of my life in despair.

Opium music video from 2017, with hints why I don't use pain pills anymore

That November day, I started back from the beginning. The beginning for me is complete surrender. Surender my expectations of what I thought life was supposed to be. Surender to, what is happing, what life has brought to my doorstep. To those, I have lost! To the son, I can't shield from every pain!

The second is acceptance.. accepting what life has brought. The third is getting honest with myself. Asking myself how much of this suffering and trouble am I bringing on myself? Putting away my crystal-ball and living only in 'the day.' And so on... The path for me to peace is simple, but not easy.

Honey Badger Arise

With the help of a few good mentors; I had pulled out of my inner emotional funk, but now, I could barely walk. I was in a good place, viewing positive aspects of life. But, I was completely broke. My plans for everything in music had crashed and burned. No prospects and I was burned out with no idea where to go next. I had sold two guitars to finish the album. I only had my live gig guitars left and that week had put one of the last two up for sale but it wasn't selling.

I have a mentor, like a life coach you might say; I called him up and said. I'm broke, I have to pay for a video shoot, and I got no ideas.
He told me to "go make $20 today".
I said, "how?" He said, _"just go make $20, you'll find a way like you always do."

I went to Twitter first and ran a few promos for my Bandcamp albums. I wrote a blog on Steemit. Then, I started looking around and low in behold, I found $20 in streaming money from Spotify.

Then I thought, well, great, I have $20 what will that do. Then I saw my steemit get like $10 bucks, and a few albums sold on the Bandcamp promo sold. Already I was feeling more successful.

Right about then the Guitar started getting offers. I realized I had screwed myself ...If I sell the guitar, I can't book shows in the coming month. But I needed a few hundred for the upcoming music video shoot. I decided, I'd go ahead and sell it anyway and figure it out later. I was back on my game.

I had a bunch of offers on the guitar. I went to let the top offer know they were the highest offer... and I kid you not, right then I got an offer from the last person I expected. It was my X- wife. We get along, but it's rare that we talk. Long story short, she bought the guitar, and told me to keep it. 'Merry Christmas'... she said.

some behind the scenes gif from another music video we're shooting now for Complicated Man

For some reason, I couldn't get one dollar to save my life for a week. But when I changed my attitude, and went determined to get $20, I got 10X the amount within a few hours. Go figure.. I think my friend knew what would happen. It takes a little money to have money.

My wife has an incredible nose for incredible deals.. you wouldn't believe how much Kombucha I got for Christmas!

The next day more money came. Some TV/FILM money... and then more came. Somehow I had more than enough for the video shoot. Still had my guitar and started booking shows.

Wait, what happened after she called 911?

If you have made it this far, then your probably still wondering what happens at the top of the story, where my wife called 911.

I ended up in Emergency. I'm actually sitting here in bed for the third day straight. The first two days after the incident, It was very painful to walk, or even sit up... or lay down or on my side.. or..everything. It was horrible. I'm actually able to sit up now long enough to write this long thing. So that's good.

2018 and the honey badger

So will I be able to tour? I don't know. It was a big dream of mine for 2018 to get back on the road. But, this incident has made it clear beyond refute that my back is in bad shape. I have to deal with it properly. I'm not sure that 10 hours a day in the driver's seat is going to work. But who knows. And truth is, right now, I don't really care.

My life is where I am. My joy and peace can be with me in a hospital, stuck in a bed, or desperate for $20 bucks.

This whole year, including the back issue, has really been a good thing for me. I'm the kinda guy that, once wound up, literally cannot stop for months until something stops me. I need life to stop me sometimes. To put me on my knees if need be. If I'm not careful life starts living me, instead of me living life.

I laid in the back room the last few days, groaning sometimes, I admit... even cried a few times trying to get out of the bed. I don't do pain pills, so I just had to get through it. Believe it or not, it was a beautiful time. A much-needed space in my year. I could hear my wife 'tap tap tapping' away in the other room on her latest work. I could hear my little girl laughing and learning a dance with her friend to jingle Bell Rock. I could hear that all is well. Peace on earth, I could hear goodwill in our home and hearts. It had never left. I had left.

Christmas Time and Kombucha Final words

As I was writing this my wife walked in with a big smile. She found some crazy deal on Kombucha, which is something we love, and I guess we're going to be drinking a lot of it.. She bought 100 bottles. haha. I don't know how she is going to get those in the fridge, OR under the tree. Merry Christmas.

Most of the stockings on our mantel are for the dogs.. there were three of them until last week. That's been kind'a a drama too. Princes Doughnut had a seizure a few nights ago, and then my son's dog, 'sugar' had to be put down last week. We'll leave a stocking up in memory of Sugar. :(

Have a great holiday season!
– @ezravan

If you like my Saturday experiment, you might want to sign up on my official music mailing list on ezravancil.com also RESTEEM if oyu like, upvote, comment and follow @ezravan thanks!

What is the Saturday Experiment? I call it 'Saturday Experiment' because it is an experiment I started in 2016 with my music mailing list. I got tired of all the marketing mumbo jumbo I seemed to be writing, always trying to get someone to buy something, or like something blah blah! it was wearing me out. So I started on Saturdays to write about my real life, no BS, no smoothing the corners for better PR relations.. just the real deal. The broken washing machines, the broken hearts, the relationship quibbles, raising kids, and making music & art.. all from the standpoint of a couple of crazy kids (me and my wife) trying to live a wonderful meaningful life as artists, as lovers and as parents. I do put whatever I'm working on in the letters, but more in the context of what I did this week. This one happens to be the year-end Experiment ..That about sums it up

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nomadinsoco (58) 7 years ago

great story... its awesome you've chased your dreams as an artist

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qsounds (57) 7 years ago

What an interesting story. Yeh, life is not always easy, while the Garden of Eden sounds really nice, still money is needed to survive in this world. You are a good writer, for sure.

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