I blinked as I felt the transformation happen. It was something like a jerk felt internally, and for a short blip of time I saw the world with new eyes—sharp and crocodilian-like. The blip was overwhelming for that instant, but then it faded. I went back to tapping my fingernails against the steering wheel as the late afternoon traffic continued to pile up around me. It was nothing. Just feeling a little flushed, is all. I really ought to try to get more sleep.
The Mysterious Package
The light turned green and the traffic rolled onward. Some mundane minutes passed before I felt the shift happen again. But onward I drove, hushing the anxiety I felt rising. Everything is fine…everything is fine… Then I remembered something, which was sufficiently distracting for a moment.
“Dang it! We are going to the beach this evening and I forgot my togs!” I said loudly enough for the children to cock their heads at me from the back seat. As soon as the words exited my mouth, I too stopped to look oddly at my own face in the rear-view mirror. What the hell are "togs"?
After a moment of looking at me the children lost interest, and so did I. Just a strange slip of the tongue is all. I drove on to our first stop, my son’s karate class. Once situated in the hallway outside of class with the tot sleeping on my shoulder, I began the usual routine of idle conversation with the fellow moms.
“How about those federal election results?” I said, feeling outside of myself. I’m not one to make conversation about politics. Where did that voice come from?
“Federal election…you mean the one in 2016?” The woman looked oddly at me, and it looked something like the expression the kids had on their faces ten minutes prior. I mentally chastised myself.
What the hell is wrong with you? What federal election? For an instant a smeared image of the head-shots of lots of middle-aged men wearing ties rolled through my mind. They were politicians…only not American ones. I felt a cold sweat run down the back of my neck. What is happening to me?
A Hint
As soon as the class was over I rushed us out, having decided we needed to go straight home. I needed to figure out what was happening, and what to do about it. I felt that sense of anxiety growing at the idea of my identity dissolving before my eyes. We reached home and there was my husband stocking the fridge with cans.
“Oh good, you picked up a slab—I need some of that,” my voice said impulsively.
“A slab?” There was that look again, only set on my husband’s face. “Since when do you like beer?”
“Me? No, of course I don’t like beer. Horse pee is what it is—horse pee,” I said all too defensively, quickly turning away to rest my face against one hand. “It has been a long day. I don’t feel up to cooking, can you just throw some meat on the barbie?”
I glanced up to see the horrified look on the tot’s face as she swiftly picked up her Barbie doll and hugged it to her chest before exited the room.
“The barbie…right…” My husband walked away and there I stood, the panic rising ever more. What is happening? What is happening?!
Then my eyes settled on a small bottle on the counter next to me, and suddenly it all made sense. The Vegemite! @galenkp had sent me a jar of it the day before, and I had tentatively smeared some across a bit of toast while carefully following his instructions. Maybe a little too carefully, or maybe just as he had intended: an Australian world take-over, one jar of Vegemite at a time.
Alright, so none of that happened.
Except the part where @galenkp so kindly sent me a jar of Vegemite to broaden my American horizons. It arrived in an expertly taped package with that lovely “Air Mail” stamp on it—the stamp of foreign excitement.
Delicious Bit of Devil
It arrived with not only Vegemite, but lots of other nice little things. Tonight I ate kangaroo, Tasmanian devil, and platypus. They were all delicious. He also sent a couple packages of crackers which boast themselves to be Vegemite flavored, but don’t actually taste that much like it—very crafty technique of luring foreigners into a false sense of security.
The Australian version of Cheez-Its. No complaints.
So I cracked open the curious little jar that has been the subject of all this non-Australian speculation. I followed @galenkp’s directions—really, I did. Only maybe I didn’t quite understand what “a little” means. I spread it very thinly across the top of a beautiful piece of fresh sourdough toast.
That finger in the upper top? That is a little boy about to snatch the kangaroo.
You know that sort of toast that has those beautiful air hole spots in it—the sort of spots that become sludgy little Vegemite pools? I think all was going pretty well until my tongue impacted one of those little pools. My tongue was doing an awkward sort of twist in my mouth, something like dipping a toe into scalding water and then having second thoughts about that bath.
“It tastes like soy sauce. Soy sauce…on my toast,” I said to my husband. Of course, he had to give it a try too. “A combination of soy sauce and molasses,” he said, “I like it.”
My husband is clearly more Australian than I am. But I think it might be something that grows on a person. I am going to give it another shot—I refuse to give up my Australian aspirations.
Vegemite in all her glory.
Throughout these taste experiments the tot was sitting on the kitchen floor playing with the toy koalas and kangaroo that arrived in the package.
“Why did we get these, mama?” She looked up at me with her big blue eyes full of questions.
“A nice man sent them to us.”
“Why did he send them to us?”
“Because he is a nice man.”
A nice man, or staging an Australian take over—you decide.
THIS IS GOLD @ginnyannette total, Aussie gold! Like from the goldfields of Ballarat! You nailed it!
Welcome to your new Australian persona. Keep pushing forward with the slang, ya bonza Sheila! 🤣
We'll have to call you Australimerican now. 😘
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Australimerican - I like that. I think I've got to work on my Vegemite consumption more before I deserve the title though ;)
Thanks again. Everyone in the family enjoyed getting the package.
Glad you liked the package...Vegemite will grow on you. Or not. Try it on toast with a poached egg on top.
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I will give it a try. I get the feeling that way will suit me.
🇦🇺🇺🇸
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Haha! It remains to be seen if he is a nice man for sending you that. We have it too but we call it Marmite, foul stuff ;0)
I did laugh at the Australianisms!! Shane he didn't send you some Tam Tams!!!
Maybe you mean Tim Tams @meesterboom?
P.s. Marmite is not Vegemite. Completely different taste in fact. We have it here...No one buys it.
Really!! I thought they were the same. In that case, maybe Vegemite isn't shit :0D
And yeah, Tim tams!!
Shit is only added to "export quality" Vegemite.
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Marmite - I couldn't remember the name of the one I tried. Thanks!
Your welcome!
So I gave it a try for the third time, and it is definitely growing on me. After eating it I kind of...almost... wanted some more :) Marmite sounds like some sort of insect.
I have used up all my Australianisms and I have no more. I don't even know what Tam Tams are, but coming from you I have all sorts of ideas running through my head ;)
Hehe, for once no rudeness! They are a short of sweet thing. Quite nice!
Yeurch. I hate the stuff although I have used it in cooking
I happen to like rudeness ;) The name tam tams sound good.
hahaha! howdy ginnyannette! Brilliant. Brilliant, captivating and hilarious!
Thanks Janton. It was a hard thing to write while actively morphing back and forth from American to Australian.
lol! I'm so astonished that you were able to complete such a difficult task and do it in such a classic manner. Morphing back and forth almost sounds supernatural!
Soy sauce and molasses? Good Lord 🤣 what is this devilish mixture?
Getting a bit anxious now, waiting for mine. But it's good to see others get it first. I ger to watch your blogs for weird side-effects 😝
Lol. I can't say that I agree with my husband about the molasses aspect. I think that was more of a texture comparison. It sort of makes me think of beef bouillon. Like if you just smeared that paste on your food. After saying that my next statement is going to sound bizarre, but...it actually does grow on you. On my third try this afternoon it wasn't half bad.
The side effects are intense. Proceed with caution ;)
Aah that's good then...so if I like it, I won't have to worry about getting more. This does beg the question where Galen got so much vegemite, though 🤔🤔
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I just imagine that there is a whole aisle devoted to it in every corner store ;)
Yep @ginnyannette...A whole Vegemite section. :)
Haha, I was sure of it!
Is so nice when you receive goodies from a nice person, right?! I laughed a lot with this!
I like getting things from far away. I'm like an eighty-year-old grandma as far as appreciating a distant post mark.
I love it! Er... not the Vegemite but your post. I have tried the British equivalent and, yes, it is an acquired taste! Apparently it is very healthy for you.
I wonder if the British equivalent tastes exactly the same. I'm not saying that I really want to find out - let's leave that sort of taste test for the Australians ;)
They sound the same but, yes, leave it to the professionals! lol
Marmite has a completely different taste. The sell it here...Or at least put it on the shelves. No one buys it.
Marmite sounds like a paste made from some sort of special British skin mite, so I don't blame you ;)
🤣 tastes like it too...
The British sent my ancestors here as convicts 200 years ago...We can accept that...Thank god they didn't send out the Marmite too! That punishment would have been too hard to handle! 😂
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That convicts history must make for fun genealogy research. I've got my share of interesting ancestors as well.
Yeah, I did my ancestry back to mid 1400 England a few years back. Have written about it.
A couple were sent to Australia as convicts after having their death sentences commuted to transportation to the penal colony on Van Diemens Land (Now Tasmania, an Australian State).
One was female (larceny) the other was male (burglary). I traced back their trials, the ship's they were transported on, where they were held and their eventual release after 20 years.
The penal colony, Port Arthur, is notorious for its brutality back then and 20 years in there would have been very tough. It's a tourist attraction now.
In 1996 it was also the scene of a 34 person mass murder shooting by a guy called Martin Bryant. More brutality in an already dark place.
I'm proud of my convict ancestors. All Aussie's are if they have convict ancestry. We hold them up as a badge of honour.
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Well @galenkp we have a success story. I officially like it. Took a few tries, but as of today I have been converted into a believer.
Yay!
It's that sort of stuff I guess. Grows on you! We don't get a choice here, we get force fed until we like it but you do and you've chosen to like it!
Welcome to the cool kids club, otherwise known as Australian-ness... 😆
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Togs .... .I like the word. Maybe I will use it myself sometime just to get weird looks.
What a nice package for a nice man to send you.
It says it is good for you. You might have to take a spoonful and swallow it whole just for the vitamins. Medicine is not supposed to taste too is it? ha ha
Fun read.
I actually really like togs as well. I'm thinking to adopt it permanently. It will be one of those things my kids think I invented, sort of like the slew of pet names I have for the dogs. Then one day when they are mid-thirties one of them will go to Australia...
It was a nice package. It is fun to get things in the mail that aren't bills.
Haha, when I read 'the word togs' it was so normal for me until I realised it was not for an American living in Florida. Vegemite grows on you, we start young in Australia so I reckon your little ones are bound to like it ... but only lightly spread.
You may yet turn into a 'fair dinkum' Aussie @ginnyannette.
PS: I am happy to send Vegemite too if you acquire the taste.
I am going to start the kids out on it tomorrow. They are pliable yet, I think it will be a success :)
And now I am going to google "fair dinkum". Lol.
Nah yeah. You had this coming (There's a reason we stick to our own hemispheres) just sorry to see your family getting dragged into it as well. Now they have to watch you spiral, not just out of control but counter-clockwise.
I am wondering when the full-blown Australian accent is going to start. I suppose it won't be so bad. After a while all the neighbors will forget that I had an American identity. Or, maybe we will just start fresh somewhere else. Maybe in Australia.
Welcome to the group! I hope you enjoy your Vegemite. :)
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Thank you. I think I will with a bit more tempering. Australian indoctrination is a slow but effective process :)
Sounds like you all enjoyed the Vegemite👍
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Yes, the whole Vegemite experience. I'm curious to hear how the other folks are liking it.
I am interested to as I grew up with Vegemite being an Australian myself.
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I've been trying to think of that thing that is the Vegemite equivalent in my culture, but I can't come up with one. It certainly is unique.
We did indeed. :)
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I always knew that I have to look up those Aussie slangs. So I can fully understand your post. :)
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Haha! This is an educational post.
Yes it is. Have you read my post about the mysterious parcel?
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I had missed it, but I just checked it out. That's cool you were the first to receive - shipping to the UK must go nice and smooth from Australia. I'm actually pretty surprised I got mine so soon.
Got mine soon too. Thanks for taking your time reading it. :)
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Ours (The Vegemite) sat in Jacksonville FLA for the holiday weekend. But 2 nite upon my arrival home at 10:30 pm. The Aussie transformation began.
We De-packaged it..... "de-package" WTH does that even mean...?
I recorded video of this strange "de-packaging" phenomenon and a post about it will soon follow.
Yes @galenkp My "Taste Tester" was deployed.
"CRICKEY....!"
She wiggled her little nose quite a bit.
But 4 now this KrazzyTrukker just needs some beauty sleep after a very ugly delivery near Tampa FLA. 2 day..... ooops, yesterday now.
"G'nite mates"
Yep..... the transformation into "awesomness" has begun...... (photo of the "Taste Tester")
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Is it just me, or does that cat have an Australian look to it? I see the transformation has already begun.