I sat looking at the vein in my arm, getting the heebbie-jeebbies. Finally, the time of my vein had come. The dreaded piece of paper—the dreaded doctor’s order. The standard blood test plus thyroid check loomed over me, in my vein’s future. I’d managed to avoid it for a few years.
The last time my vein and I had to carry a doctor’s order into a lab, we walked out worked over. I had the nausea of a person recently awoken from a fainting episode, and my vein sported a six inch bruise the following morning. Something did not go as planned. But that was years ago. Years ago, I reminded myself, several times.
There is an evolution to anticipatory anxiety. It is a cat-and-mouse game of irrationality. It goes a little something like this:
The Initial Panic
Oh god, oh god, I have to do this. Shit. I’m going to pass out. I’m definitely going to pass out. I really don’t like passing out. I really don’t like nausea. I really don’t like labs. Oh the sterile white walls, oh the smell of alcohol wipes…
Brief moment of Rationality
Calm down, Fool.
Denial
This is no big deal, you won’t even think about it when you show up. Everything is sunshine and rainbows. Veins are lovely. Needles are silly little tools that get tossed in a trashcan immediately after use.
Phase Two of Freak Out
Veins are disgusting! The next nastiest thing is poking one with a needle! That’s why you passed out last time! Gross! The only thing nastier is to draw blood out of a vein! Good god, why would anyone do that for a living? Freaks, labs are run by freaks!
Descent into the Sweaty Palms of Misery
I am withering. I may not even make it past the front office before I pass out. I should be wearing smelling salts and a corset. They may as well lay me across a stretcher.
All steps take place in approximately two minutes. Repeat for the three hours prior to blood test, until…
Anger
Oh for god’s sake! Let’s do this! I’m doing this! No! I will not be afraid! I want these blood results! No needles or lab freaks are going to stop me!
The Grand Entrance
I stormed into the lab. Alright, let’s be realistic. I walked into the lab, eyeing the place like I was on the lam, holding firm one blank thought. Blank thoughts are good places to be. Empty, beautiful, blankness for a tired mind.
Those lab freaks made me wait on a little couch for fifteen minutes. How long do they think a needle-phobia riddled person can hold onto a blank thought? Surprisingly, when pressured, quite a while. Then I was called. I put on a good show. People tell me how calm I am. Those lab freaks are no different—they actually tried to send me into one of those little blood-draw chairs. How naïve. Listen Lady (I said in my head in a curt manner, but then spoke in a very polite voice) “Is it possible for me to lie down?”
“Of course,” the vampire woman said to me, smiling.
Fancy chair, I observed. Nice and cushy. Ooo, and pop-up foot rest. Like a recliner for places that aren’t meant for tormenting people.
“Which arm would you prefer?”
I gestured. “Let us not talk about this.”
The vampiress nodded, catching the drift. I gave her credit. I’ve said that to a lab freak before, and then she proceeded to tell me all about my veins, concluding with “wow, you are a gusher!”
“Just a little pinch,” she said. I began following protocol swiftly. First, stare in the other direction. Second, ask lots of questions about the vampiress’s personal life rapid fire. This allows for the vampiress to either surmise that you are distracting yourself, or think that you are hitting on her. Good god I’m not attracted to vampires, but she can think what she will.
“That’s it,” she said cheerfully.
“That’s it?” I swiveled my head back toward her skeptically to see a Band-Aid covering my vein. “Good job,” I said approvingly.
“Thank you,” she said like it was a great honor. She knew how to put on a good show too.
My little pink dot on my vein is my little badge of courage. Not everyone can shuffle around that many layers of thought, that much anxiety, and then face a vampire like a man (while being a woman). That takes talent. Exhausting, ridiculous talent.
I’m proud of my pink dot.
I can relate to the building of needle anxiety. It is something we never get use to and damn yearly blood tests come around so quickly ginnyannette.
I think you are right about some people never getting used to it. My husband works in the medical profession and thinks it's ridiculous. It must be wonderful to not be bothered by it at all.
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Thank you!
Oh boy, my husband has needle anxiety too! I thought he was exaggerating but now I see that it really is a thing!
Oh yeah, and every variety is so unique - his underlying fears might be totally different. It just isn't a natural thing, so half of us don't go with the flow I suppose.
Calm down fool. I loved that. Just like I love to come over and see what you come up with next. Even the most mundane little events get flip flopped around to entertainment. I bet you are great at those events requiring lots of meaningless small talk.
I'm excellent at small talk! Or, maybe I'm horrible at it - my small talk becomes big talk very quickly...
Thanks for coming by :)
Just judging from your writing I am thinking you have an amusing inner dialogue going on most of the time. I applaud your ability to continue speaking adult. When I was spending my days with small children "adult speak" became a foreign language for a couple of years.
Then after a couple years that switched up and I had a 5 year old sounding 30 lol.
I hope you gave yourself a treat for surviving the vampire. So unfair that only the kids get a sucker.
Ha! So true, I was not offered a sucker. Other than a blood sucker. Getting it over with was my reward.
I think writing does keep an adult focused on adult language when otherwise immersed in child language. It's a great mental exercise either way.
That's quite funny. I only tease them about being vampires when they're really efficient at it.
This lady was definitely efficient. Definitely a vampire.
The prostate examination is now a blood test. Id much rather goo through needle anxiety than the finger up the bum anxiety!
I'm so glad I don't have a prostate. It sounds very inconvenient.
..... pffffhaaaahahahahaha!!! Is good to be a woman, eh?
😂😂😂 . I don't know about that now. Periods and child birth. Maybe a finger in bum isn't so bad!
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Only a woman can handle it all I think. Tough as hell, we women are.
Aww, I'm so proud of you! I can feel like dying and I don't even visit the doctor's office and don't even make me started with labs! Those places are a big no in my life!
I avoid them as long as I can. Every couple of years something seems to require it. In a sense it is a good test of pushing you out of your box.
Just find a box, get inside and I'll push you out! There's no need for needles! 😅
hahaha! so the thing is you are terrified of needles? did you really pass out before? wow but it's getting better because you passed this test with flying colors!
Yeah I have passed out before, but there were some unique circumstances that helped bring that about. I've made it through several blood draws since then, but that one bad experience lingers.
howdy again ginnyannette! oh man..so I hope you were laying down or at least in a chair when you passed out? You did really good this time but it helps to have a nice and very skilled vampire lady!
I am glad you asked to lie down. That is not an irrational fear so you are not some kind of oddball, LOL. I hope all the tests came out ok. My dad and I both have thyroid issues. Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Grandma Black did too.
I am of the theory that I have postpartum thyroiditis from weaning - I noticed the change happened right after weaning. I have some of the unique symptoms that are different from your standard hypothyroidism. I suspect I had it when my son was born too, and it did resolve after a year, like it is supposed to. So hopefully that will be the case this time. We will see when I get it checked again.
That is interesting that you all have the issue too. I suppose it is a pretty common ailment though.
You know your body best so I bet you are correct about it. I am glad you are keeping an eye on it just in case.