At what point in life do you finally accept who you are as a person?
That there are parts of you that you can change and parts that you just can’t?
That no matter how much you may wish to be a certain way, it’s just not possible?
That your genetics and upbringing mould you in such a way that certain traits become permanent aspects of your personality?
Oh, the amount of time I’ve wasted spent lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, wondering, analysing, even hating the person I’ve become.
WHY do I think the way I do?
WHY do I act the way I do?
It’s not like I don’t realise what I’m doing. If anything, this awareness makes me feel even more anxious, guilty and isolated.
WHY is it so difficult?
People say I should just come to terms with the fact that I am the way I am.
Self-love and all that jazz.
BUT how can I love someone who doesn’t know how to show pain, who doesn’t know how to express herself in difficult times, who’s so anxious, so fearful and so low, who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings, who shuts herself away from the world the majority of the time?
Most of the time, I naively feel it’s better to distance myself from others in order (in my mind) to protect them from me, when ultimately I only end up hurting them more.
“You never call.”
“You’re always in other world.”
“You’re so confusing.”
“You’re so up and down.”
“You only see the world in black and white. There’s no grey.”
Their words constantly swirl around and around in mind, mixed with all the negativity that I already feel about myself.
I read once that you can never be a good friend to others until you truly love yourself.
Does that mean I’m destined to be friendless?
Everyday I feel like I’m stuck in my head. Berating myself every second, every minute, every hour of the day.
Surely I’m not a bad person?
Because, despite appearances, I care.
I actually care so deeply that it hurts.
I want to connect. I want share my world. I want people to understand.
Would a label help? Aspergers? Bi-Polar? Depression? Anxiety?
But would that even really matter? Would that make it worse?
Am I thinking too much about this?
Yet, why wouldn’t I think about it?
Because not only am I hurting myself, most importantly, I’m hurting others.
I hate it.
I can’t work, I can’t live normally.
I’m just so anxious about everything.
Before I sleep I have to check the windows, the front door, the wardrobe, behind the shower curtain, multiple times…
Am I safe?
I don’t want to go outside.
If I do, will something bad happen? If I take the subway instead of walking, will it end up in disaster?
The world is a scary place.
I just feel so low about everything.
I’m not good enough. I can’t think straight. I can’t focus.
I’m a failure.
My internal world is a scary place.
I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings.
I drink, I smoke, I don’t eat, I disappear, wasting time watching pointless shit online.
Anything, just to take away the discomfort.
How could anyone understand?
How can I even begin to explain?
I often think about life as a “normal” person.
I’d be a good friend, successful and happy.
I’d be like many of those women who I see on YouTube who are so steadfast in their faith, always put together, organised and productive.
Yet, at the same time, I paradoxically think that I’d lose my creativity, my “darkness”, my “deep” emotions.
I mean, how could I paint, write essays and poetry if my life was always bright and sunny?
Yet, as soon as I think those thoughts, I cringe. I attack myself for being stupid, ignorant and selfish.
What a ridiculous way of thinking…
But as hard as I try, I just can’t see myself as one of those women. There’s just too much pessimism, too much hurt, too much worry and fear inside me.
Something so inbuilt, so ingrained, can that ever change?
Many hours in contemplation begs the question that if I changed, would I lose not just the “negative” parts but also the good? Would I become a person I don’t even recognise?
Yin and Yang.
Where there’s light, there’s always darkness.
Right?
Can we ever be completely whole if we’re only ever positive?
So many questions, so many thoughts.
It’s torture.
And whereas part of me wants to be consistent, with all my “shit together”, there’s another part of me that so vehemently resists.
I’ve been this way for so many years…
And, no matter how hard I try to convince myself, accept myself, I just can’t.
It always circles back to others.
I just don’t want to cause pain to others.
Because there’s just no point to life if there’s no one to share it with.
Because no matter how much I may want to whittle away my days alone, numbing and internalising my pain, it only exasperates it; making me feel even more lonely than I already feel.
Because matter what they say, we aren’t born alone, nor do we die alone.
We come into this world with unconditional love and even despite our best efforts, there will always be people who will miss us when we leave. People who would wish they could have known us better, who would have wanted to have been closer, to have known us deeply.
It’s up to us.
We need to let them in.
I want to let them in.
Photo credit: Aziz Acharki on Unsplash
Long time no see, Vic! Great to have a friend back haha..
On a serious note though, I can totally relate with this. I know what it feels like to be your own worst enemy. It feels as if you don't own yourself. You're constantly reminding yourself of all the people you have hurt, and that's why you feel scared to share your pain with others because you think you'll end up hurting them too.
But honestly, I think what we really need to go past this, is a little time and acceptance of the fact that feeling that way is perfectly normal and reasonable, and that it is curable. It's difficult, surely, but possible. Slowly and steadily.
Welcome back!
This was a fascinating read. There are so many deep thoughts that I am a bit speechless as to how to respond. I will just say that I can relate to more of what you wrote than I'd like to admit.
No matter what we may feel about our body, it is ours and the relationship we establish with it will have a great deal to do with the quality of our life experience, so the first thing we should do is Acceptance😊 as the act of embracing what life presents us with a good attitude.
Thoughtfull post @gouldingv😉 I hope people will learn something from this post, it is not easy to live alone in our world while most of our need still provided by others and for some emotional needs too.
Thank you for sharing this with us, you'd be more creative when you meet other people who could be a good inspire. Have a nice weekend.
You’ve shared yourself authentically, which is to your credit. I lived with these feelings for so long, but have finally escaped through education and earnest philosophical inquiry.
You are not the problem. The culture is deeply broken. You have been made to believe that it is YOU who are broken. This has been done to you on purpose - not BY the people directly around you, but by proxy THROUGH them.
Man is a programmable being with free will. A contradiction, you say? The mind can be programmed, but we have free will to choose which programs we admit into our system. This free will can only be exercised deliberately if we are aware of our circumstances and knowledgeable about how all of this works.
There’s too much to say in this reply - I encourage you to scroll through my blog, particularly the early articles. I’ve only been here a few months and do not post or resteem often, so it wouldn’t take too long. Read what seems relevant and grabs your interest. I promise there is a way out.