And Thou, I know, wilt be the first
To see our best side, not our worst.
This is a fragment from Dylan Thomas' 'Under Milk Wood', from the Reverend's prayer at the end. And while I've heard it many many times (it's one of my favorite plays, to be fair), these words struck me as odd. They've always resonated within me, it is after all a beautiful prayer, but last night, as I listened, I realized why these words have such a powerful impact.
Most humans are essentially weak beings, most of us are riddled with fears and insecurities. And we are all more or less self-conscious, always wondering how others will perceive us, whether a stranger will see what we wish them to see or something else. The truth, maybe? Our real selves...
Last night, it dawned on me that we are incapable of seeing our own best side. And maybe that's the idea of the lyrics, maybe that's why we need to believe in something greater than us. Someone all-knowing, who despite our many faults, can see the good in us. Especially since we're not often capable of seeing that good.
I'm not criticizing religion here, I'm criticizing this crippling self-doubt we all seem to have. I don't know anyone who sees the best in himself. I certainly don't. I see good bits, but I wouldn't say I see my best side. And that's where the problem lies. It doesn't really matter if someone else sees us as good, a parent, a spouse, that's even more awful in a way. Because we see the “good side” that mirrors in their eyes and we know, deep down, how wrong it is. We know that we are flawed beings, that maybe we'll never live up to the good they see in us.
The writer in me can't help but love this – such a description makes for a terrific character. In a story. Not in real life, though. In real life, we are so much more mundane, we allow our insecurities to take over and that sense of inferiority to push us over the edge, so that we develop ugly traits.
And suddenly, it's not romantic at all, it's just sad and hurtful to everyone around us. It doesn't really matter if your wife sees the best in you if you allow your insecurities to push her away. And we so often do.
If there's one thing these insecurities are good at it's fucking up everything and anything that could've been good for us. People, opportunities, moments. Anything. And it's not long until we start lending these fears unto the people around us. We start to nit-pick their words, to find fault where there is none. And we try to blame them, to make it out as if they're the ones who don't see our best side. But it doesn't really matter what they see or what they think they see.
And it doesn't really matter if God sees your best side, either. As long as you yourself don't see that, all the good thoughts in the world are worthless.
Not my prefered version, but it will do...
I realized how prone we are to seeing our worst side, to being our own enemy in this life. And I wonder why?
Why do we do this? Is it just peer pressure? You know, I'm tempted to say yes, but I doubt that. I doubt we're so hateful towards ourselves simply because of the impossible standards imposed by society. I think there's something deeper here. And I can't help thinking that maybe the trouble is that somewhere buried very deep inside, we're also our own most fierce supporters. Maybe I want the absolute best from myself and failing that, I start despising myself.
I think that most of the trouble in our lives comes from the impossible expectations we impose on ourselves.
Think about the verses above. They're begging for forgiveness, they're a plea – please don't see me how I see me. Please see there's also good in me.
But, if we're so aware of the good in us, why do we need confirmation? Why do we need a third party to see us as good if we already see ourselves as good?
It doesn't make sense. And yet, we issue this plea and hope for the best. Because the truth is we don't. We don't see ourselves as good and the above words are not addressed to God at all, but to ourselves.
.jpeg)
In my humble opinion, I think this is due to how our individual life has been structured even from birth. Our lives is somehow weaved around others. We were brought up to believe that we need each others supports and approvals to live a worthy life. If a child for instance, refuse to mingle with pairs, you can imagine how such will be portrayed even as innocent as this action is. One can hardly feel happy been alone, we either feel lonely, bored or entangled with whole lots of negative thoughts...while some people were able to translate this into making exploits... unfortunately, they still required the appraisal and approval of others for thier strides and discoveries. I think as an individual, one should strife, learn how to deal with this aged monster within us, inside out. Like you rightly said, self acceptance, positive silent pep talks, confidence and self assurance is important to reconstructing this negative mindset I strongly believe we are two beings in one body. The inner man or woman and the phisical man or woman. But the inner Being is the anchor of our reasonings, reactions and conclusions. Our charity must begin from within. ..Excellent thoughts from you as usual. More graces. Cheers!
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this :) I think that despite all this flourish of self-help, we are more screwed than ever, internally. I don't think we're moving closer to knowing ourselves and accepting ourselves. On the contrary. And honestly, I think we're not encouraged to - after all, who needs smart people who know themselves well?
Why bother with them when you can have folks second-guessing themselves at every step?