I talk a lot about how the relationships you have with people will change when you start to change. Though it’s not always to the detriment of your previous relationships, it usually is. Either you spend less time around your old friends because you’re busy chasing a new goal or because you’ve achieved it and you can no longer relate to them.
A large part of this is age and time. As we grow older, we get more committed to our lives. Many of our friends--even our closet ones--come from childhood and were there because of circumstance. As circumstances change--and they should if you’re doing anything worthwhile with your life--the relationships become modified.
Our personalities and perspectives on life develop in a relativistic relationship. Our growth influences our friends growth until one day we are essentially the same person. If we grow independent of the other person, then we start to think differently.
This week I hung out with some old friends who were in from out of town. Really, some of my best friends. I was the best man at their wedding. A few days before that, I spent all day making pierogies with a family I’m also very close with. I’ve known these people longer than I haven’t, but we’ve grown together and grown apart in some interesting ways.
My friends are great. I know everyone says that, but I have no idea where I’d be without their help, guidance, and motivation. With that said, I don’t think there is one person in my friend group who has made the shift in their life that I have over the past 5 years.
This has given me some unique insight--for better or worse--into some of the interesting ways people respond to changes in someone they’ve known so long.
Your Friends Will Always Know Who You Were
There is an old saying: “Don’t ever forget where you came from”. A lot of times, this is said in envy by people who wish they did what you did to change their life. Less antagonistically, I sometimes interpret it to mean that you should never forget that you were once less than you are now, but people still loved you.
It’s easy to forget that I was once living in an apartment with no furniture and stealing food to survive. It’s also easy to forget that I was once a raging alcoholic and was only able to survive because of the kindness of a friend. Throughout all this, I may have hated who I was but they didn’t--or if they did, they tolerated me long enough until I became a better version of myself.
I’m not explicitly reminded of my past by anyone. That would not be a very friendly gesture. I merely see how life once was, how it is now, and I fondly look at the people who stayed acquainted with me along the way.
Politics Is The Devil
I’ve spoken before about how I don’t do politics. This means that I don’t vote, I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t discuss it in conversation. I’m sure my one vote will make a difference in some key election, but I’m far too concerned with carving out my own place in the world.
I’ve observed something: people assume that because you’re friends with them, you must have the same political affiliation and belief system. I suppose there is a label for everything and the label that is most appropriate for me is “libertarian”. My friends naturally assume that I’ll have the same political stance and perspective on things in politics as they do.
I suppose this is natural, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying. Politics seems to be the default topic, and everything reverts back to Donald Trump (in one way or the other). Once the conversation turns to anything political, I zone out.
I Can’t Imagine Seeing Them Everyday
When were in high school and our early 20’s, we spent nearly everyday together. I remember how sad I was when my friends moved to L.A. after we’d been roommates before they got married. I’ve been roommates with all of my friends at one point or another, but at this point in my life I couldn’t imagine seeing them everyday.
Actually, I couldn’t even imagine seeing them once a week.
The older I get, the less I value I find in socialization. Yes, one should make time for the important relationships in life and build those up, but part of getting older is getting focused on your mission in life.
For some of us, that’s building a family. For others, that’s climbing the corporate ladder. And for the remainder still, that’s striking out and building businesses or performing. And then there’s focusing on the person in your life that you plan to have a family with.
I believe in most of our lives, friendship is still important but the heavy lifting of the old relationships have been completed. Now we can meet up once every few months for an hour or two and feel content. It’s amazing how natural this feels. I actually think I’d lose my mind if I saw my friends everyday.
You Know How Much You’ve Changed When You See Those Who Have Known You Longest
Superficially, I’m a completely different person that I was 5 years ago. Hell, in many regards I’m a completely different individual that I was even 2 year ago. There are some changes that run deep though. For example, apparently a friend pointed out that I use profanity WAY less now.
However, I’m still the same person at my core. If I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be able to get along so well with people from my past. See, we’re all different but we’re all the same. We’re all growing, but we haven’t changed. These paradoxes are never able to present themselves until new habits meet old assumptions.
I hope that you all enjoyed your holidays, catching up with and seeing loved ones. Never forget that life only matters when you have people around you who make it worthwhile.
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