I do think it would be reasonable to say we all have a tendency to take things personally. It's actually that many of us have a greater tendency than others to do so. And, in order for this to happen, some of us are better-suited to deal with it within ourselves than others.
Taking things personally is never healthy in any relationship: employer-employee, friend-friend, husband-wife, partner-partner, parent-child,... for several reasons. One main such reason is that, if you do take things personally, then your thoughts will continually be at the mercy of others - whether they assaulted you personally or not. That will never be healthy in a relationship, and it is no way to live!
If you are someone who tends to take things people say or do personally, then I want to reveal to you a little trick I have found that really helps. This involves understanding why people sometimes do what they do and seeing that often what they do is not related to us. Let me discuss this trick through 2 relationship principles.
Relationship Basic principle 1: People sometimes are selfish. This principle may sound cynical but stay with me.
I feel that it is an unquestionable fact that we all have selfish tendencies. Even so, some people are more selfish than others. And some of us can become egocentric given the right circumstances.
By understanding and acknowledging that folks sometimes are egocentric, then we understand that sometimes people:
- will think only in conditions of what is best for them,
- will see things only from their own point of view,
- will need to be right about everything,
- will want to have things their way all the time,
- will not think about how precisely they influences others,
- and so forth...
Consequently, sometimes people can do what they do simply because they are determined by selfishness! And if they can be motivated by selfishness, then there is no reason why we should take things personally that they do and say. Actually, you could say that their actions have shown you just how selfish they are.
Relationship Basic principle 2: People always have a reason for doing what they do.
This basic principle does not mean that folks are always right about what they do. Nor can it mean that they should always be excused for their action. It also does not always indicate that they themselves always know why they would do what they did. Nevertheless there is always grounds!
Here are some reasons that I can think of that would cause people to do what they sometimes do (perhaps you can think of others):
- recent unmet needs,
- current needs,
- past unresolved issues or conflicts,
- earlier hurts,
- current worries,
- current hang ups,
- ulterior motives or hidden agenda,
- current insecurities,
- past decisions,
- ego issues,
- personality disorders such as: narcistic tendencies, ADD, AD/HD, lack of empathy,...
- and so on...
Subsequently, sometimes people will do what they do since they are motivated by who they actually are and the "baggage" they carry! And if they are encouraged by such things, then there is absolutely no reason why we should take personally things they do and say. In fact, you could say that their actions have shown you that they behave as they do because they "have issues". Again, nothing to do with us and thus nothing personal!
In conclusion, the secret to not taking individual things people say and do is to understand and accept that sometimes people are selfish and they "have issues", and that their behaviour often has nothing to do with us. You can even turn things around and declare their conduct betrays who they really are. This will help you shift the target from you (which is partly why you take things personally) and place it on them (which will help you require things personally).
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