There is so much we all do that is meant to give us the pleasure of that delicious sense of progress.
At least, those of us who were raised to believe that productivity is a virtue, are always trying to accomplish something. It's as if we think we need to prove our worth, because we have no intrinsic value. And with no intrinsic value, we have no intrinsic safety.
As a child, we are so dependent on the adults around us that we really would die if they decided we weren't worth taking care of. And while I doubt there are many parents who would literally stop feeding and housing their 3 year olds because they don't pick up their toys, the 3 year old doesn't have that clarity. They just have a sense of impending danger when mommy or daddy is mad at them. This is a survival instinct.
Growing into Adulthood
At home and at school, children are filled with the teaching that if they don't try hard enough and prove their progress through their work, they will wind up poor, unwanted and cast out by their society when they grow up. Or whatever horror story that particular community tells.
Children are mostly motivated by fear, rather than inspired by love of their activities.
So then as the child grows into an adult, they carry forward this sense of always needing to prove productivity and progress to feel safe. But now you're out of school. So there are no daily homework assignments, weekly tests and semester exams to establish how well you are doing and conforming to requirements made on you. Now you have to set the assignments and grade them yourself, then somehow come away feeling like you go an A.
Only no one is giving themselves an A. Instead people live with a pervasive sense of inadequacy.
The problem isn't the grading system. The problem is the structure of evaluation to begin with.
Now this is for those who were successful in school growing up. The ones who never managed to feel a sense of adequacy by playing by the academic rules set out for them found different measures of success.
Maybe a pretty girl learned to lean on her looks. Or a strong boy learned to prioritize athletics. Etc. But once in adulthood there are still challenges to those old frameworks.
The pretty girl discovers she will also be evaluated by what job she can get, and that hooker scores pretty low. If she's tall and skinny enough she may try modeling, but it's a brutal field filled with some really mean people praying on the insecurities of most who go into it. So for the most part, unless the pretty girl grows up to marry a very wealthy man who makes her feel proud of herself despite her having no other accomplishments, she is likely to feel a lot of insecurity unless she has also learned to accomplish by the society's primary standards of contribution to economic output. And that's what they were really teaching in school.
The star athlete discovers that if he isn't good enough to go pro, he too has no way of continuing to establish his value by the measure that once put him at the top of the pack.
Either might use the confidence built as a popular athlete or pretty girl to go into sales successfully. But that is also a pretty insecure profession. You are constantly being graded by short-term performance.
I could go on with examples, but I think you get the pattern. One way or the other, everyone gets raised to feel fundamentally insecure. Then we get this world full of hyper-competitive people. No wonder! Insecure people are not generous.
What to Do?
Well don't just go shopping. That's another one. There is this sense of having accomplished something just by having bought something.
Sounds crazy when you think of it point blank like that, but haven't you ever felt a little mood boost just by crossing something off your shopping list?
God forbid you got a great deal! Whoa, super serotonin boost there. (Or whatever that feel good chemical is that our bodies produce.)
I don't think we win by finding different ways of playing the same game. I think that the only winning is choosing not to play. (to allude to War Games)
You have intrinsic value.
That's it.
Either you accept that statement as true or you don't, but you can never prove it to yourself or anyone else.
And you aren't lazy; you're creative
Again, have to just know that about yourself, even if you were never given a chance as a child to just to enjoy being creative for the sake of creativity itself.
If you don't automatically accept these things, then train yourself to.
Take responsibility for your own reprogramming.
That is truly your most important work in this world.
Wow, this is powerful!! We're told so many things and put into so many situations that creates a template of how we think and operate. These experiences are memories now, that don't define the present moment, unless we let them. I love that you put the power back in our own hands. It is up to us to reprogram ourselves!
Thank you for this 🙇🏾♂️ I'm working on my reconditioning and your post gave me a positive boost💪🏾😤
So glad to hear it! And yes, it is the important work set before each of us. How lucky we are when we decide to take it on.
All too often, the feelings of self-worth stem from what others think about us.
Finding out what has value and meaning in one's life may not meet up to the standards of others, but in-order to be content we must find the things that make us happy.
We will be judged in almost every aspect of our life. Sometimes people with very little knowledge of who we are, feel as though they have all of the answers.
To be taught at a young age that different is okay, and that to be at peace with yourself you must follow the beat of your own drummer.
Life is to short to always try and please others, we must support our own convictions of what makes us feel content.
And what I love is that you're such a great example of what you're saying!
Awesome! Being a Parent, these concepts become ever more important as I want her to become whatever makes her happy knowing the consequences of her choices. If she wishes to be something that cannot provide for a lifestyle she wants, she needs to reconsider but knowing that fulfilling her passions is most important. All I can do is provide her the support to pursue her goals over time (and hopefully influence it a bit).
Being a parent has to be the greatest creative project of a lifetime! There's so much to decide in really trying to set up those little darlings for the happiest adulthoods.
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