I've had a steemit tab open consistently since I joined this website, in the hopes of getting into a habit of looking at it regularly, planning to get in here and start meeting people, talking, building a community, maybe making some money if I was lucky. I've never closed it, lest I forget that all of that was an option and a thing I wanted to do. I kept seeing it in my open tabs on Chrome and thinking "Right, that's something I need to get back to."
I haven't actually clicked on the tab for well over a month.
I wish I could say that wasn't typical of me. I wish I could say that it was a conscious choice to set this aside in favor of being productively busy with other things. But the truth is I was afraid, and I am often afraid. I've never been able to keep up with a blog, or anything remotely similar that's accessible to a public sphere, because I fear being open and honest. I don't know what to write, what will be accepted, what will get attention, what will be seen as meaningful... and so I don't. I've never known how to "brand myself," in business or otherwise. There are an incredible number of facets to what makes up "me" and any definition I attempt to put on that seems necessarily limited. And yet, I feel like it's expected, and that if I write anything consistently, whether on this platform or any other, I'm supposed to have a topic, a theme, a passion, a common thread that runs through from post to post. But in actuality, I don't think of myself as ever being so consistent.
I fear that if I allow people to see all the parts of me, I'll be seen as inconsistent and fake. I am tempted to spin and adopt a false image in order to be seen as real. It's a paradox.
In my offline life, I do this unconsciously. I've been realising recently how much I give the impression of happiness. People have commented over my whole life on how much I smile. How much I laugh. How much I have fun. How much I enjoy things. People assume that I'm happy, well-adjusted, stable, confident. People assume I'm an extrovert, and that I'm comfortable with both other people and with myself.
People frequently don't believe me when I say that I'm an introvert, or that I struggle with anxiety and depression. I don't bother trying to tell most people that not only do I not leave my apartment if I don't have something specific to go do, but that on a lot of days, I don't even get out of bed for significant parts of the day because I can't convince myself of a reason I should be awake.
I don't believe that what other people see of me is false, ultimately. I do enjoy things in the moment. I have fun with friends. I have a very good sense of humor. And despite all my anxiety and occasional need to entirely avoid interacting with people, I'm certainly not shy. But is that the same as being a happy person? From my own internal perspective, I really can't see it that way, but many times it seems easier to simply stay quiet and accept whatever others have said about me than to attempt to explain.
I don't know what the goal of this post is. I'm not looking to be cheered up, or for reassurance. I think I'm saying this purely to break down the walls I put up for myself, to push through my own expectations and the ways they hold me back. To prove to myself that I don't need a topic or an angle or a simple image of myself to put forward before I can post anything. I can just be me.
Hello I like your post I just gave you an upvote Make me a visit on my blog and if you like something of me an upvote too.@celioeguga
Thank you for the upvote!
just wanted to share my part too after reading your post. i myself a game addict(dota2 cs) now facing a serious spine problem and back pain. and some yea depresion regarding studies. i spent almost all my day near laptop playing game, but since few days i have been wriing some stupid things over steemit and i think it really helps me cause here no one is there to criticize you judge you or anything here we can just be us doing anything we feel like. it is really helping me foght my depression i dont know how but it really is. because here i get to explain myself though u cnt make otehrs understand but i feel better. hope you do well in ur fututre life. just wanted to say life is beautifull when we start loving everything :)
Thanks for the share. This really does seem like a good community and I wanted to post to get myself over being afraid of putting myself out there on it, since there really wasn't much point getting hung up on it the way I was. Best of luck to you, too. Videos games are a pastime for me, too.
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