“Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF.” ― Mandy Hale
Those of you that have followed me from the beginning will know that from an early age (approx. 12) I began to walk a path that changed the rest of my life. Clubs, drugs, “sex and rock ‘n roll” as many would say.
I began that journey because I was emotionally NUMB. I had traveled a hard road up until that point in my life, and on one never to be forgotten evening, at a perfectly respectable “under 18’s” party that was geared for the younger, youngsters, I can remember the carrot being dangled in front of my face...
“hey… we are going to a club in town, do you want to come with…”
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So it happened. I went.
That was the singular moment that marked the beginning and shaped the next ten years of my life. It was a messy, MESSY road.
I am not going to get into too much detail about that in this post, if the course of the journey sparks your interest, you can read it here: https://steemit.com/life/@jaynie/you-in-the-sky-with-diamonds-rock-your-world-20
However, the moment I would like to share with you in THIS post, is the one that marked the end of that rocky road and the beginning of my journey to where I currently stand today.
There was nothing spectacular or noteworthy about that night… it was just another evening at someone’s house, discussing mostly people’s pipe dreams that were unlikely to ever come to fruition, whilst passing a beer bottle from one person to the next whilst smoking speed (methamphetamine) until 5am - at which point the “scrambling” began… hands started digging deep into pockets, handbags and bedside drawers - to put every coin mustered together on the floor, and establish if there was going to be enough to get our next “straw” of speed and continue the high…
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That night, there wasn’t enough…
And as the hours ahead unfolded, dropping from one plane down to the next, I began to look around me… in the corner of the room was an elderly man who had passed out on a single seater couch and had obliviously urinated in his pants, all over the couch and onto the floor.
On the other side of the room there was a couple having an argument and the guy was hitting his girlfriend, threatening her life if she didn’t “behave herself”. In the middle of the room I sat, amongst another group of people who continued with their mindless babbling, completely blind to what was going on to the left and right of us.
In that one moment, I made a decision. I can remember the words I spoke internally – “This is not what I want for myself and my life”. I got up and I walked out. I told my boyfriend at the time that this would be the last occasion I associated with any of these people and that should he wish to continue doing so, it would need to be the end of our relationship. Well, no points for guessing – that was the end of that.
A day passed and although the difficulty and temptation began to set in, I didn’t cave. I went to bed that night feeling so VERY confused and alone... but oddly relieved.
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That was the night I met myself.
When attempting to explain this experience to others, I feel as if I fail in many respects - as far as depicting the magnitude of its symbolism and how utterly powerful I simply KNEW it was.
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In a “dream” that night I was walking as my “then current self” in some kind of meadow or hilly area. In the distance I saw someone sitting on one of the hills. So I walked and walked and walked some more - until I eventually got quite close.
(ya... you can speak to my folks about that haircut...lol)
It was a little girl. She was sitting with her knees pulled up towards her chest and her head down in her lap. She was barefoot and extremely grubby. Her hair was dirty and clearly had not been washed or brushed in a while. I suddenly noticed that I recognised what she was wearing…
The dress she had on, was one which my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl.
(yes, this was the dress)
I approached her and I put my hand on her back in an attempt to offer her a little solace. Quite close now, she lifted her head off her knees and looked me dead in the eye.
I was looking straight into the eyes of my 5 year old self. She said nothing but just continued to glare at me with the most enormous amount of anger and pain in her eyes, yet somehow simultaneously emotionless.
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I was looking at myself. We were looking at each other.
This was unquestionably the most disturbingly powerful encounter I have had in my life… and irrespective of the fact that it didn’t happen on a “physical level”, I will never forget it and the impact it had on me.
I was heartbroken at the sight of “myself” –so horribly un-kept and unloved… it made me SO SAD… and then, it made me angry -
…and then… it made me CHANGE!
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In a World that promotes the superficial.. i appreciate your candor...
Thank you! That really means a lot to me xxx
Damn girl I am running out of things to say - I had goosebumps the whole story. You impress me every single time. Keep it up, you have a wonderful gift
thank you @anneke - you know.... I value your input SO much! purely because I know it is REAL! and I love that! LOVE YOU!
Agh you are too nice - thank you - I am the what you see is what you get and I get the same vibe from you.
absolutely! lol - best way to be :)
@jaynie, this is hugely powerful. I got chills reading it. Please tell us all about your journey. I hope you keep on walking the path with your lost self, and lead her out of her misery. I ache with her. You see, I also had to meet my little me in order to change my life. You are telling my story. Only, it happened way later in my life. I had to hit rock bottom in a major way. I nearly lost my marriage and my children...but thankfully, I am recovering as well. My Father God helps me through the struggle all the way, with the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life.
@minnaloushe - thank you for your amazing input! I am so HAPPY that you could relate to the actual experience of it. It seems sad, but it really is a good thing... but you would know that :) Much love to you on your journey forward too xxx
Wonderful post
alrighty then lol.... thanks?
when I saw the first comment, I read it till the end.
But at first I read just the title because I thought it was a joke or fantasy or something like this but then I realized it was a real post at least by somebody. Thanks to you.
Nice post friends please visit my page and hit upvote and comment.
thank you
You shared a beer? I would never give mine to anybody! Still the haircut beats it all, OMG... ;-)
hahaha! can always rely on you for my oh so familiar "brotherly like" love @arekwolf - lol - as for the haircut... in SA we refer to that as business in the front, party in the back... and I ROCKED it! hahaha (crawls away to die) lol
The mullet, all Joe dirt lol
ya ya.... fuck off. lol haha - next time ill show you the mullet with my hand me down super man shirt and gum boots. lol
LMAO I would pay to see that shit, and think it was nostalgic.
for you.... FREE RAND
Womp womp!
Well, it has to be brotherly love since I don’t flirt online with chicks who live too far from me to be loved in any other ways.
lol!!!!
We've trodden similar paths. Inner strength, that will power, is what sets apart winners from losers. You're a winner sweets. 💪 💋
love you long time...
love you all times
I am happy you decided to STOP. I had that moment. and just STOPPED. crazy how that happens.. hugs ..
indeed it is! Strong minds. Not everybody is as blessed. xxx
So happy to read that you came to that decision, I guess we have to get lost sometimes on the walk of life. Great written and really a great thing to share this and show that change is always possible.
thank you so much @kerlund74 - yes, you are right! thank you so much for the lovely feedback x
its good to see post like this you did a great job !
thank you :) much appreciated.
This is a great post from so many aspects, thank you!!
Thank you @mariandavp that means the world to me. It was a very "learned" time of my life - but I am grateful for all of it nonetheless... :) It has made me who I am today... and as the years move on, I am kinda liking me, just a little bit :)
Thank you again - really appreciate the feedback! xxx
@jaynie love your post here because you have the courage to share inside a powerful experience that feels supernatural! I had a similar experience drunk one night with my dead father, grandfather, and great grandfather all haunting me at 5 in the morning while I screamed at them. The little girl's face you describe sounds exactly like their faces were emotionless looking but more full of sadness in my case instead of anger watching their son/grandson/greatgrandson be sick. Thankfully that motivated me change too and I appreciate hearing every story that reminds me of it!
Wonderful pictures of you as a little girl too!
Thank you so much @jerrybanfield. Wow, your experience was indeed similar... and also sounds like it was at a very pivotal and necessary point in your life too. I am ever grateful that the message reached both of us really :)
Hahaha... had a few good teases on here about the mullet hairstyle. hehe :)
Thanks again for the lovely comment. I am glad you could identify with it.
Very cool post! I really enjoyed reading it.
Absolutely phenomenal! Truly beautiful!
There is not much that will prepare you for meeting yourself.
These moments only come when absolutely necassary. When literally nothing else will do.
We are the only ones that know the precise image to show us that without words can portray the exact message.
So very true! It was a very powerful experience and yes... MUCH NEEDED! Thanks for the lovely comment :)
you bet Jaynie. Loving your posts more each time!
Nom...
It's hard no? You are right, excellent girl... Blessings
thank you x
This post received a 4.7% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @jaynie! For more information, click here!
I am happy you found you path. We all have our past that we wish we could have not lived in. But what can one do. We just have to make up for the future
Looking forward always :)