“Tantrums are not bad behavior. Tantrums are an expression of emotion that became too much for the child to bear. No punishment is required. What your child needs is compassion and safe, loving arms to unload in.” ― Rebecca Eanes,
Yesterday afternoon my eight year old son Jude was playing cricket outside with all the other kids. There was about six or seven of them in total all at varying ages. At one point during their game Jude came inside to ask where his dad was as he needed to clarify a game rule with him.
One of the boys had made a statement which none of the other boys agreed with and Jude being a stickler – went to go and find David so that he could prove the other boy wrong. Well, unfortunately for Jude and all the rest of the boys in this case – the other boy was correct.
The boisterous conversation outside continued for a little while and then I suddenly noticed that it was rather quiet outside. When I looked out the kitchen window, I saw that Jude was sitting alone against a ledge on the wall. I looked around and didn’t see any of the other kids. A second later, he stood up, put his hands on his hips and came walking inside – naturally straight to mommy.
I asked him where everyone had gone and he said they were still playing cricket outside but had gone to fetch somebody else’s cricket set as Jude had brought his inside. I enquired as to why they had left and he explained that the rule that he had everyone else had been corrected on, was “real cricket” and he didn’t want to play “real” cricket – he just wanted to play “fun cricket”.
I explained to him that games have rules for a reason and that it would only benefit him to learn them and play as you are supposed to. He moaned at me saying “but it’s hard” and I then had to reassure him that it is only hard when you don’t know the rules and once you do – it will get easier and easier each time.
I also explained to him that he cannot always expect people to do what he wants to do and that sometimes he needs to do it “the other person’s way” – I followed with trying to get across that this way he will also learn new things.
Well – I was caught completely off guard at the response, because for the most part my son is a sulker not a tantrum thrower.
Well! He BURST into tears and in a fit of rage, stomping around the kitchen he started declaring – “I always do this! I always make people leave because I am just a big bossy boots! Fine, I will just do it there way and then they can be the boss of me!!!!”
I was speechless to be honest. Writing this down for you loses so much of the emotional impact of that moment. He was beside himself with anger – towards himself! I have NEVER seen my little boy so angry before.
He continued to cry and throw himself down face first on the couch and then the bed an so on.
I picked him up and took him to the kitchen. I sat him down on the kitchen counter and tried to calm him down. I tried to get him to understand that the reason he naturally dominates is because he is a natural leader… and that every single person in our family is like that.
Well, I didn’t get quite the reaction I was expecting from that either. Lol – I was told “I am not a part of this family. I am not a leader; I am just a big dummy! Even the cats are a part of this family but not me!”
This situation really wasn’t unfolding well AT ALL and whilst I know that kids can tend to be a little dramatic at times - I genuinely didn’t like what I was hearing and was not at all comfortable with the way he was repeatedly putting himself down.
He spoke about how he never gets anything right and how he doesn’t know why he always just gives up instead of trying harder and that he is so tired of everybody saying he is amazing because he isn’t.
I have simply NEVER seen him like this and it concerned me greatly!
The mere fact that these are the kinds of inner conversations he is having is worrying all on its own – as I think most of you on Steemit know my thoughts on the power of self-talk - but more importantly… WHY is he thinking like that?
After a few more attempts of trying to cheer him up and calm him down, I realised that I was not winning… so… I decided to give him something to eat – and proceeded to peel him a boiled egg which was accompanied by a few slices of cucumber.
Well – once consumed – there was a VERY different child sitting on my counter. Lol
There was a knock at the door. It was one of the boys. He had come back and asked if Jude was here. I welcomed him inside, Jude hopped off the counter and off they went to go play.
That was that. Done! And not a word was said by Jude after that. It was almost as if it had never happened. Haha!!
Now anybody that knows me well will testify to the fact that I pretty much turn into a demon if I am left hungry for too long – so the apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree.
But jokes aside – whilst the meltdown was probably magnified by the fact that Jude was hungry… the things that he said were not sucked out of his thumb. There is very obviously a feeling of insecurity and frustration there. I am not sure where it came from, or when it started but it most certainly needs to be dealt with.
I think we often disregard such outbursts by our kids, writing them off to the fact that they are just “having a moment” but emotional outbursts stem from somewhere – and therein lies the root of it all – which absolutely must be addressed!
We (me included) need to be more attentive to their emotional needs when they get into states like that. You know how a baby get frustrated and starts screaming because it does not know how to relay what it wants from you…. well this situation with kids is not much different. They are still learning to process all these emotions and thoughts which they are experiencing and it must be incredibly frustrating at times.
I am a firm believer that LOVE is a one size fits all solution to ALL of life’s, challenges, problems and the like – so whilst we prod at the rest of the problem and why it is there, extra SUPER SIZED daily doses of love are definitely the first prescription on the cards.
Parenting is so hard sometimes because there is no handbook and every child, every situation and every family dynamic is completely unique. But having said that – I think that a sure fire way of being successful with dealings a good portion of the time is to be attentive to their current state of mind and emotion and to be there for them – not only as parents but as their best friend. That – and like I said… LOADS OF LOVE!
When your child feels like they can confide in you then you know you are doing something right – so in that instance – despite the fact that I know I need to do whatever I can to try and steer my little boys inner talk in a more positive direction… I am VERY relieved that he felt comfortable enough to have such a personal meltdown in front of me instead of supressing it and shutting me out.
Sometimes, I think as parents we often wonder what on earth we are doing and if we are doing it right – we do our best and that is all we can do… it really is a little like sailing a ship. You never know what the weather is going to do and you often just have to “wing it” for parts of the journey.
Keep sailing I shall ;)
“Sometimes it takes a meltdown to cool down.” ― Evinda Lepins
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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Oh boy, what an awesome topic! I remember both having tantrums myself and the ones from my little brother (he's 10 years younger). His were usually pretty funny to me as well. Somewhere half way he'd realize he was was still throwing his tantrum without remembering what started it and you could see he was still going only to find a suitable way to end it without admitting he forgot what it was about 😂.
As for yours, it sounds like he is mostly frustrated for trying to do the right thing but not quite getting there yet. I admire (I think you do too) his amazing persistence and enthousiasm is wanting to do things right. Instead of giving up he gets frustrated, vents it out, has some food, and is right back on the horse out there trying once again. Eager to learn how to do life if you ask me!
Finally, I have no kids yet, but it should happen in the near future. Reading about how even experienced parents still sometimes have to wing it is nice. It helps me accept that I simply can't be fully prepared and at some point just have to freaking do it! Yeah, i'm just like your son, I want to do life good from the start :p
Thanks for sharing this!
Thats my boy!!!!!!! hehehehe ;)
You hit the nail on the head @seersalomon xxx
I have three now grown up kids, but I remember that parenting was my biggest time of growth and learning in life. They teach us so much, we cant even begin to comprehend. They are the most precious gift and we have the honor of helping them to navigate through the daily challenges they face.
@claudiaz Oh GOODNESS!!!! as challenging as they are at times - YES... they are without question, THE most AMAZING teachers!!!! - and worth every bit of effort!!!! xxx
Ask the kid to play mommy or daddy then scream and shout at the little bugger and keep asking for things.
hahahaha - I actually read your comment yesterday - but wasn't able to get back to you - however, I had a HUGE giggle over it, because YES! That is precisely the kind of lesson/example that teaches them! lol :)
Thanks Jaynie, everyone should try it, it actually works, I did it in a supermarket, and the kids were that embarrassed they kept quiet all afternoon.
hahahahaha!!! NO doubt!!!!
ohh Jaynie you have made my day, I have been looking at trees all day selecting the best branch, seeing the doc on monday, so hopefully get some pills to cheer me up. I will vote for you when my steam power gatherers strength, but at the moment like me it would be useless to vote for you, any way I am your true follower.
Now am learning.
This is why mothers understand their children more.
Nice one @jaynie
Mom's RULE :)
This is so true. Thanks for sharing as my son is only two this gives me something to look forward too. It's tough playing sports with others when you're little because even if it's for fun most people play to win.
that is very true! Glad you enjoyed my post x
My son (12) has destroyed 2 PS4 controllers because he hates losing. He's gonna have to wait a while for the 3rd...
hmmmm yeah... maybe give him some sticks to play with in the interim.... lol - teach him what life was like without a PSANYTHING lol
He got lucky. I opened it up with a mini screwdriver, it was just a wire that came loose.