It happened to me. Really. And of all people trying to find love online, you would think the odds were stacked against me. Three years after I separated from my ex husband, I met him. Online, on what was then the yahoo version of Match. Was it easy? Once we met, yes. The connection was real and magical. Wait, though. I had my share of unscrupulous dates. I was a mother to four young children. I was lonely and needed distraction - pretty much a magnet for predators who would use my situation and vulnerability against me. And as my ex-husband so graciously pointed out, “No man would ever want a woman with four children.” Was that comment meant to make me stay? Sadly for him, it lit the fire under my ass to get out.
What did I do differently? We all have nightmare dating stories. It was Christmas, 2008. I had pretty much given up. Living in Florida for barely six months after a lifetime of California living, I felt washed up. Not too may to choose from. Maybe they felt it too-this fairy tale of believing in something so badly you could make it happen. With whirlwind romances, we fail to see warning signs that might have been much more apparent before we had young children and mid life adult responsibilities. You so much want to believe you found the exception to the rule that you let your guard down enough to move too quickly through the ether of getting to know someone.
Your gut will tell you.
Even if you are caught up in something, if it doesn't feel right, you can tell. That had to happen to me before I met my gem. I was getting physically sick from my current “fling.” Unfortunately, I fell for it all and my children went through it with me. They were involved. We did things all together. Then the sensations began to gnaw at me. Something was off. It became crystal clear when my youngest daughter wanted to help him arrange flowers in a vase. He snapped at her in a menacing tone that sent chills up my spine. Right then, I decided to quit. No more entangling them in my life crises, and certainly time to take a big step back.
I was done. So done. The lines, the bullshit, the first dates that you know will end there, and the two or three that should have not gone past one. But you hope each one will work so badly. You miss being a part of a couple. Suddenly this thing, this instinct kicks in forcing you to wake up and realize it's not worth it. Settling so you won't have to face what happened to your life alone is pretty selfish when raising little ones. They had to be my first priority, which required me to be healthy and step off the emotional roller coaster of personal ads and asinine dates.
One man contacted me in December 2008. I was busy. This was my children's first Christmas in Florida with their cousins, and I wanted it to be special. I decided to put my dating on hold. But he was persistent. He wanted to get together. My new rules for myself were no phone calls until we exchanged emails. If no creep factor was detected, we could have a quick conversation by phone. Luckily I was distracted with the holidays and not anticipating anything to happen. I was bored with the whole process and lowered all expectations. He respected my boundaries, and even after we talked on the phone, he was still consistent in sending me emails and friendly messages. I was starting to think we should meet up, and for the first time, I was looking forward to it. Not because I knew this would be it, but because I slowed down my pace and was going to just go out for dinner. Nothing more, nothing less. A burger joint.
I made sure to get there early. I hated walking in to meet a date and having him already be there. I wanted to change things up. But he had the same idea, and snuck in from behind so I didn't see him coming. That threw me off. It was probably the best indication that this one was different.
I was not expecting it. Once I took expectations out of the equation, I was able to let someone in who really wanted to be there. Not because he was tired or looking for a good relationship and was lonely. We fit. And it was easy. So easy. Our conversation flowed, nothing awkward-completely ourselves.
Unfortunately for many, meeting romantic interests online has a sleazy reputation. People are nervous and we all hear the psychopath stories of what could go wrong. But matches happen. A lot. People do find love in cyberspace (is that still a word?). You just have to not care or expect something to come from it. Go out, but do it just for fun. The pressure is off. If online dating was taken less seriously and used as a way to meet people you otherwise might not meet, you become more aware of who you really are and what will fly and what won't. Pretty much the advice we hear over and over – it happens when you least expect it. I stand by that truth.
Dedicated to all of you who are about to lose faith, or know someone who is about to-
great post. I gave up online dating a while back and my life has improved greatly ever since.
I kiss her or not worth it?
Good for you! I have never had any luck, so I kind of gave up after years of trying.
But I know the error of my ways! I clearly did not persevere like you did.
all these girls complaining about kissing frogs... remember you must be a princess.
I am very happy reading your love story and how you found your prince charming. I can really relate to your story because it also happened to me. For years of searching and being through different dating site and different type of people, I also finally found the one. I will make a post and share my story as well ;)
I used to be so skeptical about online dating until I found my prince as well. Totally can relate to your story :)