I grew up as a people pleaser...
I don't like to write this because it feels icky, but it's essentially true. However, as with many things, being a people pleaser is not a black and white situation. i.e. you're not either 'a people pleaser' or 'a people un-pleaser'. Ha!
I've definitely had times where I've come off worse for my people pleasing tendencies.
There have been times where I've lost some self respect.
And I know there are times where I've made choices based on pleasing other people, and as a result I've ended up losing a part of myself.
What Do I Mean by a 'People Pleaser'?
I believe everyone has some people pleasing tendencies.
It's that part of yourself that values being accepted and being liked. It's the part of yourself that kind of pushes your real personality aside and insists that you 'conform' or 'agree' or 'keep the peace' when what you really want to do is go against the grain and speak your mind.
It's that part of yourself that feels a little insecure, a little doubtful and a little afraid.
It's a deep and often powerful need to fit in, to be included, to be approved of.
And it sucks.
Love People and Value Yourself
You don't have to go around being a d*ck to people if you decide to put your people pleasing tendencies behind you.
What you need to do is stand up for yourself.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Take some time to think before jumping into a conversation - whether it's in real life or on social media or anywhere else.
Nodding and agreeing with someone when you don't really, is not only disrespectful to them, it's highly disrespectful to yourself.
The bottom line is, how someone else feels about your genuine position and stance on something is none of your concern. People are responsible for their own emotions and reactions. Your job is to value your self respect and your dignity so you can sit easily and comfortably with your own bad ass self when there's no one else around.
I always thought it was important to keep the peace.
And it is.
It's critical to feel at peace with yourself.
Sometimes that will mean not saying anything. Sometimes it will mean getting up and shouting from the rooftops.
Only you can decide this.
My Dad was a one of the best examples I can think of of someone who stood up for himself. He was NOT a people pleaser. Don't get me wrong, he would always, always go out of his way to help someone, to guide someone or to be there for someone.
But he didn't suffer fools.
And he never, ever compromised himself so that someone else could feel 'comfortable'.
I remember him telling me about a family gathering he was at. There was a distant relative, a guy, who was spending most of his time telling people how great he was. He was a clearly a bit of an idiot.
He came at sat down next to my dad and launched into yet another story of how he was amazing, so after a few seconds my dad just got up and walked away!
No, "excuse me, I really need the toilet", or "I'm sorry, I just got a phone call". And certainly no sitting there grinning and nodding along.
He simply got up and walked off, leaving this guy looking a bit confused.
Don't be a door mat people!
Clear thoughts . . . & well written. While I cannot agree more on the need to stand up for yourself & not be a door mat, I must confess to being a bit of a people pleaser at times . . . more out of concern as not to hurt somebody's feelings. But you are right when you say 'People are responsible for their own emotions and reactions'.
Well put! Yes, the people pleasing is often about making sure other people's feelings are not hurt as you say. I recognise that a lot. I find that the trouble happens for me, when my own feelings are put aside in order to facilitate someone else's. Thanks for your comment!
meep
[swoon...]
meep
I have been told by many that I was born in the wrong era because I don't have that magic button that says "Don't say that in public!"
I call them as I see them, setting aside me to provide a cotton bundle around a egotistical individual is a disservice to my creator who gave me the brain and the ability to speak.
I don't try to hurt someone with my words but I am not going to sugar coat it to make them feel like their views or opinion is greater than mine.
ah awesome, sounds like I could learn a lot from you then. :)
Never ever undervalue yourself!
Yesssss!
Its difficult really to be either or, at one end of the scale there is as you say the doormat and at the other there's the person who treats others like they are a doormat, i figure somewhere in between is best .
"As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story."
credits -Desiderata Max Ehrmann for the quote.
Oh I really like this... "speak your truth quietly and clearly...." Lovely, thanks!
welcome \o/
great post...Following u dear
Thank you!
Apparently I'm quite blunt. And a bit like your dad, who I love from the way you described him! I've learned every moment of life is precious and wasting it on fools is pointless. I still do too much people-pleasing sometimes but I had manners banged into me growing up. I'm leaving a lot of that behind as I age. Now, like your dad, I'd rather just get up and walk away. Great post and thanks for sharing it! :)
Thanks @smuggly-sparrow! Yes, definitely one of the benefits of getting older... I read a quote from Helen Mirren recently (who must be the epitome of growing older gracefully). She was asked something like, "What would you have done differently if you could?" To which she replied, "I would have told more people to f*ck off." Haha!
Healthy. And thank you for helping us move a little more in a good direction, too. You're my Best of Steemit for nonfiction today. Check it out on my blog in about half an hour.
Oh wow thank you so much! Very much appreciated. :)
All good advice. Your mental and physical health is far more important than the anxiety that comes from people pleasing. Besides, some people will never be pleased and are not worth the effort. Best to walk off as your dad did.
"Some people will never be pleased..." So true!!!
It's a sad reality that's hard to deal with when you really care about the person. Even so, no one should stick around for abuse.
how deep and right.. a people pleaser is a nice definition..
Thank you :)
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