There’s always something outside of you that can be fixed. Your cell network drops calls sometimes, or your coworker doesn’t start meetings on-time.
When you look outside of yourself for things to fix, it starts a vicious cycle. The more you worry about what someone else is doing wrong, the less you see what you’re doing wrong.
There’s a great book by Cy Wakeman called No Ego. It’s a leadership book, but it is full of lessons that can help anyone be happier and more effective.
Cy is the creator of the concept of “Reality-Based Leadership.” Lots of leadership advice focuses on driving “engagement” amongst employees. Supposedly, you should let your employees vent their frustrations, then work to fix them.
But, Cy says, the more you invite people to find what’s wrong outside of them, the less they see what they can do to make their situations better. If you encourage them to deal with reality, they become more accountable, and happier.
Here’s one great lesson from the book:
Take Your Own Advice. Do you have advice for others? Write down exactly what you think they should or should not be doing, and enact that advice in your own life. –Cy Wakeman, No Ego
How often do you find yourself thinking about what others should do? This is a protection-mechanism of the ego. If we think about what othersshould do, we forget about what we can do.
“Take Your Own Advice” is just one Ego-bypass tool in No Ego. Ego-bypass tools remind you (or your employee) to be accountable. You are responsible for the outcomes you produce. Yes, there are always challenging factors, but this Reality is the set of circumstances in which you must succeed.
Without accountability, the ego inflames. All you see is problems, and the problems you see don’t lead to solutions — they lead to more problems.
I use TYOA in my own writing. When I try to give “advice” to others in my writing, it leads to bad writing. It comes off as arrogant and domineering. When I try instead to write the advice that I myself wish to follow, my writing is better. It comes off as more compassionate and gets me to use my own experiences — which makes me a more credible writer, and leads to more useful and effective writing.
When I wrote The Heart to Start, I did so with TYOA in mind: What is the advice that I want to follow myself? What advice I have I not yet integrated into my own daily life?
I figured in the worst case, writing my own book would help me. The nice side-effect is that it made my writing more useful for others.
How do I use TYOA in my own daily life? Here are some examples:
- My cell network drops calls. How well do I run my own business? Is everything I create error free? Is it reasonable to expect everything I create to be error free?
- A friend habitually shows up late. Do I ever show up late? Did I make it clear that this was a function where punctuality was important? How can I be sure others don’t feel the way I feel when someone is late?
- Writing about what I think others should do. Do I apply this in my own life? What’s the advice that I wish I could follow myself?
Your complaints and advice are probably valid. There’s always some little thing that can be improved. The point of TYOA is not to find out you’re wrong—it’s to focus your energy on the things you yourself can control, without wasting your energy on a cycle of criticism.
Next time you see something wrong, try it: Write down what advice you would give, then follow it for yourself. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and Take [My] Own Advice.
My new book is The Heart to Start. I believe you have something to offer the world, and this book will help you make it real. Buy it on Amazon, because the world needs your art »
You’re very talented! Great advice. I finished the book by Cy Wakeman called No Ego this week and it was a series of wonderful revelations.
What you said is so right, i'll take your advice and turn my criticism inwards although its going to be really difficult. But come to think of it, at every point when we feel enraged about someone's shortcomings the primary fuel for the outburst is usually the fact that we're so sure we would never do it the same way if we were in that same situation. I've had countless experiences of that nature, especially with my boyfriend
great idea! So true about writing advice that you don't really follow coming across as arrogant
Since we tend to separate ourselves from a situation and look at things objectively , it's always easier to share advice rather than take our own. We may be our worst critics but at the end of the day, our emotions make us lose sight of the right thing to do.
This is one of the more decent advice i read online.
Yes, its easier to crticize someone's work and yes we are wntitled to a certain level of service for our payments say in case of a phone company or a food chain but like you explained, people should be more aware of the human factor that people at the counters and call centres and other workers arw humans and they have problems and limitations too. They could be having a bad day for all you now. So breathe 5 times before you start berating a security guard or a doorman or anyone. Watch your anger.
And the idea that you can his/her job better is only a fragmentation of your mind. Dont let it fool you. (:
Thank you for the piece.
So true! Why is it so easy to give advice to others and not apply to ourselves? It might be ego, but also procrastination I believe. For example, we say ''Oh you lack energy? Feeling down? Then you should eat healthy, meditate and exercise!''. How often do we apply this to ourselves, huh? I agree that writing down the advice we give and taking it, can help us follow it. Thanks so much for your thoughts, looking forward to learn more about you :)
Marcus Aurelius said a similar thing:
“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”
This is good advice and sure to help you improve and stay focussed on the task at hand. Thanks for sharing!
I would definitely say that the first priority should be yourself. How you follow good things will certainly influence people around you and this chain continues.
Great article! I just recently got myself to write down every goal at the morning, and I have to do everything by the end of the day. It works great, so that's an advice I did for myself!
thanks for Good tips ,advice yourself and write is a best way to teach yourself ,it also works when you have some problems and can not find then way write them and try to find find solution and apply it on yourself
To give advice you must have knowledge, experience and practice. But that is the technical part. Then comes your personality and style, which in my case I am not willing to change even in paid advice mode.
But the most critical dimension is the type of advice. If advice is related to human matters like job hunting /search as opposed to Finance, Marketing, Management, then the issue becomes quite complex as personality traits, temperament, career, vision and Karma comes into play
I have been working in job search consulting for the past 5 years and it is not a piece of Cake. Sometimes changing people's frame of mind or expectations just becomes impossible. Some people just want to listen 👂 to what they want to here,not what others see.
Of all the things in life, irony is my favorite of all!!!
Great advices! At work I can apply it easily, however I find it more difficult to apply it in the emotional or interpersonal part.
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my vote goes for take your own advice and the rest follows. you come first no matter what
p.s congratulations for the book xxx
Woah, great stuff man, I'll definitely give the book a try
Your book The Heart to Start also sounds interesting.