For some time, I’ve been having these ebbs and flows of imposter syndrome and I haven’t been quiet about it. It’s been more annoying than debilitating because of the conflicts in my own mind to get stuff done. My goals were to relearn all the annoying shit that you need to know in order to pass any exam that jobs normally throw at you when applying for the role of programmer, software engineer or software developer. Data structures and algorithms.
What’s really annoying on my part is that I don’t continually memorise the concepts for things like sorting algorithms as well as the basics of reading CSV's and the like. I know I need to do better. But, I have been focusing on other programming skill sets that have become a little more important for backend developers to learn. I’ve been refining my skills in being a full-stack developer by learning web development. That means front and backend, devOps stuff like containerising for CI/CD and doing all things to do with databases (which I really, really recommend everyone learns).
So why the fuck am I having a hard time securing work? Everyone who hires wants to see pretty things. I suck at pretty things and that’s my downfall as I should be making things that are appealing to those who aren't familiar with the intricacies of code. On top of that - I should be showcasing my projects more. I’m a game developer for fucks’ sake. Why am I not applying UX into my projects? I’m being so lazy about it all and it’s hitting me hard because - outside of freelancing – I’m getting fuck all work. It's this lazy mindset of not fully completing a project that's gotten me into this dire situation. And now I'm paying for it.
I’ve got barely any money now day-to-day life is a mission. I even allowed myself to be hired by who I’m assuming is a student to get their game dev project completed and I don’t blame him. The engine is entirely in-house at a university and it wouldn’t teach you shit about the real world(honestly, who the fuck does this?). It sounds like I'm justifying it, but honestly, it's a stupid way to teach students. Either way, I needed cash.
With less than two weeks to go before rent’s due, I’m going to do what I said I wasn’t going to be doing right after I got back from overseas and that’s resuming work at the bar. I’m so sick of it, but I need the money until I can get back on my feet. I had saved a large amount of money so that I could focus on readying myself for the next round of getting myself re-employed, but it’s been too long since my partner and I had seen each other. So I decided to head over and see her(It’d been 10 months ffs). To clarify - there are no regrets with this decision, it's the lack of preparation for the future on my part that really hurts.
I’m kicking myself at the thought of getting to this stage when I said I wouldn’t. This is naïve optimism at its finest, I thought it was going to work out regardless of whether I put in the effort or not. I call it being a fucking idiot. So now I’m starting from scratch and it feels like I’m in a video game. You know how in some games you start off buff af, then something happens and suddenly you lose all your powers? That shit. That’s how I feel.
Now it’s time to level up.