How many times have you heard or read this phrase – you must forgive and forget?
Someone hurt you, betrayed your trust, spoke ill of you, stabbed you in the back – doesn't matter, you are supposed to forgive and forget.
It's just something people like to say and feel good about themselves, in my opinion. Impossible. Unrealistic. Not do-able.
Let's start with the second part – Forget.
What exactly does it mean? Unless you're suffering from Alzheimer's disease, there is no way you can simply delete a file from your memory.
Take, for instance, the boyfriend that cheated on you – can you honestly say you've forgotten that moment? Maybe that happened 10 years ago and now you're happily married to another guy, have a wonderful family. Say you're watching a movie and the girl finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her. Even if this doesn't actively make you think of your past, you will feel for the girl in the movie, because the memory is somewhere hidden in your mind, lurking in some dark corner.
You're healed, you've moved on and you're very happy – fact is you've put that traumatic experience out of your mind, but it is not forgotten. It is part of you and will be forever.
How about forgiveness?
It is the Christian thing to do – forgive thy enemies!
Let's say your best friend betrayed you by revealing your most embarrassing secret to a third party.
She apologized, promised it won't happen ever again and you're still friends. You can both pretend it never happened and, technically, you've forgiven her. Forgiveness will only work if that person never hurts you again.
Fact is she'll be on probation for the rest of your lives and the moment she makes another mistake, you'll pull out that dusty file you have on her. She'd be unforgiven in the bat of an eyelid.
There is no true 'forgive and forget'. You just put things out of your mind and move on.
I don't believe in revenge or dwelling on the past. Life is too short for that and you shouldn't waste it on someone else's stupid mistake. You deal with it, understand what happened and why, learn the lesson, file it under 'bad stuff' and carry on.
Come to think of it, I believe in 'the best revenge is living happily ever after'.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time
Now for the completely bitchy part. I might try this forgive and forget thing as best I can when I was the victim of some wrong, but don't ever think I can do this when my children are concerned.
You say something wrong about my kids, hurt them in any way, I'm sorry but you'll have to take that sin to your grave. You should've thought better before you opened your mouth!
Thanks for reading
I believe I'm hearing you and how it is difficult, if not impossible, for you to forgive and forget when someone has done something that was painful for you.
I'm hoping it is okay to share some advice. It is usually my practice to not share advice unless I've first asked for permission. But here, you have a choice to stop reading if you don't want any.
When I hear the "forgive & forget" thing, I think, "Uhm okay. How? It's not like I can just pop my skull open, pull out a screwdriver, and adjust some setting." No one seems to have any concrete method for DOING the forgive & forget thing.
Here is what I call "Reprogramming Our Anger Response" BUT this works just as well with "Forgiving & Forgetting"... well actually... it helps us LET GO instead of trying to forgive & forget. It provides a way to reframe the whole scenario in our heads!
[see image at bottom]
Stage 1: Anger / fear / blame / shame / evaluation / diagnoses / moral judgement / guilt.
Stage 2: Start by adding SELF EMPATHY. Practice...
Stage 3: Next, add EMPATHY FOR THE OTHER PERSON. Practice... With repetition, the brain begins to see a pattern of "The person did a thing and the typical outcome is to find that they were acting in accordance with their needs/values." So with each repetition of this pattern of "initial defensiveness --> empathy --> ah no defense needed" we are training our brains to eventually realize the "initial defensiveness" is not necessary in most situations.
Which leads to more often automatically feeling empathy for the other person, not even taking a pit stop at anger.
I'd love to hear what you think. Also, please feel free to spread it around!
I have higher resolution versions of this image, in case you want one. No cost. I just know to use 800 pixel wide here on Steemit, so that is why this image you see here isn't the highest resolution.
Thanks for sharing this. As I said, I am also in favor of letting go, not only of the angry/hurt feelings, but also of the people that caused them. Works like a charm!
Thanks for being cool with my unsolicited advice and open to ?new? methods!
FYI I developed this method based on Nonviolent Communication, a book by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.
@ladyrebecca have a nice day, very nice line of post !
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I am rushing in this....since its morning and I stole some computer time before work. The thing is I might not forget ... think the memory does get a bit foggy over time....but I do try to forgive. Or should I say....let go.
I grew up in a very abusive home (as you may have noticed from previous comments). And all that mentality, hate and black thoughts of revenge or whatever really dragged me down. You get in that vicious cycle and instead of moving anywhere you keep on spinning in hate and hurt. So I decided to let it go. I remember the exact moment ... I was 24 and I finally let it go. The feeling was so....liberating. It felt like now I have room for so much more stuff. Nicer stuff. It actually felt so good I decided to keep on doing it. So when I get hurt again and find myself in that cycle I consciously reprogram myself and let them go. They are not worth my energy or time or my mind. Why should I give them my focus at all? Of course, this may not work in some cases. If I was physically attacked I would, of course, defend myself.
Frankly speaking when I wrote this I didn't have in mind something so awful as an abusive family. That's a very tough thing to get over and I'm glad you did. I've seen people obsessing over the abuse they had suffered, which only hurt them in the end. I understand that you'd want the people that hurt you finally apologize for what they did, but in most cases this won't ever happen. Also, I've seen people unable to face the facts and admit to themselves that they were abused, somehow accepting their fate as victims and continuing to be the victims.
It's a good thing you've learned how to deal with negative feelings and move on and enjoy your life!
Yeah, i figured you meant something less awful but it still applies in my life. In a twisted way I can say my family messed me up so badly I'm practically immune now. The rest fades in comparison. BUT emotions are emotions. We get hurt no matter how thick our skin is but I apply the same reason...not worth my energy or time.
You have no idea how you nailed this one. That is the main issue. You keep on waiting for the people who hurt you to fall on their knees and idk...apologise and make it all better. It never happened in my life either. People do what they think is right at that point. So letting it go is the best solution (for me). Accepting. This is how it was, this is how it happened, this is who she is and this is how I am in reciprocation.
Hence. There will always be poop. Some like to watch poop, some like to stop and smell it, some even taste it and roll in it. :D I prefer to just jump across it and avoid it. Oh, don't get me wrong ... I ain't no saint. But yes i try to avoid other peoples projected poop. :D "Try" being the key word there.
If it's that easy, why are there so much quotes on forgiving and forgetting? Time is the best remedy. In my view, it's most hurting for those who are not ready for it. Truth is, we humans are a mix of good and bad. How much good and how bad depends on several factors and parenting is one of the major ones in this regard. I got betrayed and after a week or may be two, I overcame the feeling. So, it varies from person to person.
Great post @ladyrebecca. This was probably my very first comment on your posts and I liked doing it.
Steem on!
Thanks. It's very good you managed to overcome your hurt feelings in such a short time!
Yeah, keeping in mind such a thing is like giving more importance to the person who did harm to your feelings and life is too short for such things.
To forget is hard indeed, but to forgive it's possible. I was able to forgive by rethinking and understanding the facts in another way. You can actually change the past by changing your memory of it.
The past cannot be changed. It just is. However, I see what you mean. If you reconsider some past event, gain new insight and come to see it in a different light, you might also reconsider what you perceived as a wrong done to you.
Well said. There's usually a good side to every bad thing we suffer. And holding the rage inside us can make us ill.
"God forgives...... I don't" .
If I don't forget to pay my taxes, why should I forget the past?
Hi, Nice to meet you, ! wish you good luck and a Great Post "!!
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Well written.
Though it is debatable how easy or practical it is to forgive and forget, I feel it is purely subjective.
You post was very thought provoking, indeed. I have had trouble in my past to forgive (I don't usually forget) and still sometimes battle with it now days. However, I could never find out "how" one must go about to "forgive" someone. I finally decided that when I am stewing in my own mind about the wrong doings of others to me, I do my best, to stop and either think of something else entirely, mostly something that I love, or pray to God for that person to have a better life. I don't think praying is the way for everyone being we are all different, but if I can't seem to get the image out of my head, I suck it up and pray. I think the distracting of the feelings and remembering is what works really well for me. Oddly enough, I have even gone on to Youtube and found stupid funny animal videos or even a good book to just get my mind on something entirely. While I can't help what was done to me in my past, and there is only so much of "understanding" why the other person wronged me, that I can manage, I just distract myself. May sound stupid to others, and I have no clue if this is how to forgive, but it sure does make it easier for me and that's all I need in the end. :) Thanks for your post!! PS: I agree, if someone says anything about my son, they will "take the sin to their grave". That's what happens when you talk trash about our kids!! #momlife
@ladyrebecca i totally agree with you...i have forgiven many people but can never forget what they did!! Also, this is what i beleve " once a traitor, always a traitor"
I forgive - to not have this angry or nervous or extradited feeling towards this person anymore, but I won't forget. And I don't have to trust this person anymore.