I spoke with a tree today.
I am experiencing a transformative time in my personal life. I have been feeling a lot of things. There are several things that I thought I knew about myself that I find myself questioning, now. One of those things (though not nearly the foremost) is my previous disdain for the outdoors. Now, it is not that I am suddenly motivated to abandon my life as a software developer and venture into the great unknown and never touch a computer again. I still enjoy solving problems and building cool things, but I must be perfectly honest: I have had some trouble doing it lately. I have not been in a good place with my mind. I have been lost in my own thoughts and confused by my own emotions.
image by Mads Thomsen on Pexels
A truly wonderful human being recently inspired me to find a tree and connect with it. After an extremely emotional and quite possibly life-changing experience in empathy earlier today, I decided that it was time. And so it was that I left my home suddenly, with no particular destination in mind, at twilight. It was moderately snowing and I was bundled in a winter coat, hat, and gloves. I almost never wear those things; I almost never have reason to. I live nearly all of my life indoors; I typically venture outdoors only long enough to transition between some building and my vehicle, so a hooded sweatshirt is more than enough.
And so, this was an unusual happening for me. I was going on a walk. I have not gone on a walk for an extremely long time and it has been an even longer time since I went on one by myself. But this was something I had to do. This time, I had to do this on my own. I do not make close relationships with many people in "real life;" even my longest-standing friendships are rather distant in nature. Even among the few close friends and loved ones I have, there is no one who could make this journey with me. This experience was mine, and mine alone.
I walked the streets aimlessly for a fair amount of time, until after the sky was completely dark. The snow flew in my face and the wind howled through the bare trees. Periodically, I closed my eyes and felt silent tears streaming down my cheeks, distinguished only by their warmth from the melting snow. A light smile formed across my face. I had been waiting for this trip for a long time. It was not going to be absolutely perfect and that was fine. There are not many forests within walking distance from where I live and even if there were, I do not know if I have the courage to venture into one on my own. Perhaps someday soon, but not yet.
Instead, I found my way to the local park, where there is a small collection of trees. I stood at the entrance of the park and allowed my eyes to wander. I found my tree: the third from the right. I am not sure if I called out to it, or if it called out to me, but either way, I was more of an observer than an active participant as my legs moved to approach it. My breath shook and I felt even more of those silent tears fall. With nothing but the utmost respect in my mind and love in my heart for this living creature, I stood in front of this tree and, wordlessly, I removed the glove from my right hand. I placed it against the trunk of the tree and immediately began sobbing heavily as I leaned in closer and rested my head against it. My breaths and tears became uncontrollable though my voice remained silent.
And so, there we were, the human and the tree, both being amalgamations of millions of living cells but still quite different somehow, but mostly the same after all. Connected by the magic that is life. I remained there for a long time. I felt its sorrow and its loneliness and I sympathised with it as I recalled and experienced and shared my own. I embraced the tree with my full wingspan, as closely and tightly as I could and, finally, my silence faltered and I wept aloud. I told the tree things; words meant only for trees, not for humans. I wondered aloud why certain things were the way that they were. I wondered why we hurt each other and this planet so much. I wondered and asked and shared some personal things too and, even though there were no responses or at least no definitive answers, I felt that I had been heard. A weight had been lifted. My sorrow and loneliness and confusion were not gone, but instead, they were fulfilled somehow. It is hard to explain and I won't torture the reader by trying any further.
It was time to go, and I thanked the tree for its time and disengaged my embrace, keeping my bared right hand on its trunk for a little while longer as I said goodbye. As I walked back home, still sobbing intermittently, I realised that I had forgotten something. I had forgotten to apologise. For us. For humans, and what we do to nature; the embodiment of destruction that we are: parasites; viruses; destroyers of worlds. But I shall be back again, I think. This was my first tree conversation, but it will not be my last... and next time, I will remember. 💛
Lem, you are an amazing human being. It is hard to explain and I won't torture you by trying any further. But you are amazing. I see you. I see your soul even if I don't even know where you are. You deserve all good things in life, all the love in the world. <3
Thank you so much agni, for your kind words and feelings. It warms my heart that someone thinks such things. You are pretty amazing too. I am so glad to see you back and writing more!
I share a similar experience. I also have to go out alone in nature and be spontaneous every few months for a week or so to try to keep my sanity. At some point, I felt that I am a computer server on a shelf, just computing 24/7 in my tiny space surrounded by three computer screens. My friends have became distant and I even lost three of my best friends. I am more or less disconnected with the real world which is not so bad because I believe this gave me an outsider perspective on the real world that puts me in a better position to critique it and fix it (principle of estrangment). I see this as a temporary period that will pass. And we can come out of it with new eyes and superpowers. Then we'll probably have a not so fun period of adjusting and integrating back to society.
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I see you experienced the magic of life. I wish they would happen more often in our busy lives, so that we could appreciate our stay - and stay of other beings - a bit more.
Magic is all around us. As rational beings we are inclined to seek answers for everything to a deep enough level that we are satisfied, and then magic becomes science and we stop appreciating it. Fire was magic once, before we understood it. So was lightning; then we harnessed it and made it work for us and called it electricity.
Life, and love, are magic too. Even if we understand them to a degree, they are still magical. All of this is.
Proof of life accepted.
Sounds like you need one of them wood cases and keyboards! Torture a little nature into being electrified with computer components!
Been so many years since I’m able to get just get away from it all. I swear it’s just great to have a few weeks of a backpacking trip and no electronics other than a flashlight and I guess these days a cellphone for just in case.
Natura is really a wonderful thing when you take a moment and hear it. Drink from an ice cold river in the middle of nowhere and hear the birds chirping like there not a single human around expect you for as far as you can see.
Yeah yeah. I know. "Wtf lem." I've actually got another post I will probably publish in a couple days, that I wrote a couple of weeks ago... but this post just literally poured from my heart in a way nothing else ever has, and I could not bear to hold it in a buffer.
Oh, no. No, no, no. Torturing nature is the last thing I want to do, after what I saw today.
Would you like to see?
Sure. I hope you make more time now for some nature walks.
Here it is. I encourage you to watch it all. I know it's long, but it's a beautifully-presented view into someone's way of life and how she is so in touch with the beauty and magic of nature, and how it is about to be torn apart. The point at which I truly "lost it" is near the very end, at around 31 minutes but I'm not sure I would have been so affected had I not watched the whole thing from start to finish.
It is rather heart breaking when people give up modern day convinces to have the view they always wanted and then that is put at risk and even removed.
I’m blessed to live in decently wooded area. Many of the plots of land are owned but left untouched. One day people will want develop it. Many of them from what we could tell bought the land for a future vacation/retirement home once they move out of the city and retire. I’ve been blessed to have as many years as I have been to still see those plots of land filled with just trees.
A couple of times a year I’ll hear heavy equipment go down one of the dirt roads. I think to myself this could be the last time I get to enjoy this view. I’ve already put up a fence on one side when that plots of land not only got clear but they did not seem to enjoy trees very much. A family from a large city moved in and they were not so found of nature and wanted all their land possible for shooting firearms and fireworks off at any random hour of the day. Along with just leaving broken stuff on side of their plot which a fence now blocks.
Tree hugging hippy.
I will gladly accept that title, that I once bestowed on others, in exchange for yesterday's experience.
I don't really think it's accurate though, except in the most literal sense. Yes, I literally hugged a tree :D and I will do it again, too!
Exactly !! we have to apologize and, more important, to remember it each day of our life !!
Personally, i love to lie in the forest and look at the trees and the sky beyond ... it opens my mind and allows me to feel the earth energy in my back of my beautiful Planet that carries me every day ...
It makes me humble and rested ...
That sounds like a wonderful idea. This time I stood against the tree. Perhaps next time, I will also lie down next to it, and see if I can experience this earth energy you speak of.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my experience with you!
That was really awesome experience.
I am glad you enjoyed it. :)
I would never have made living life without time in nature, nurture this passion and keep going out, be still in nature, be one with nature!
Only addition missing is a dog to share those wonderful moments....
Hmmm. No dogs for me I think. Dogs are cute and enjoyable to be around now and then, but I do not think owning one would bring me joy, at least not at the present time.
There will definitely be more nature outings for me, though! Thank you for stopping by.
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