I'm winging it today because this is the first ever, ever writing I've done on this topic, so please bear with me! @honeyscribe gave me the idea to try writing on this topic. So thanks to her!
I was sexually abused at the tender age of three.
Now, I could just imagine you picturing the grubby hands of a dirty old man, evilishly grinning to himself as he becomes horribly aroused at my child body, but actually it was from an 11 year old girl. Perhaps the former was the reality for my abuser, but not me. Yeah, for me I was pretty much abused by a peer. The difference was that she was eight years my senior and I had barely even discovered that I had a penis.
What was my reality? Well, for me I had discovered the sexual functions of the human body and had no idea what they were used for. Only that friends did this, it was fun, and a nice feeling. My childhood was interesting let's say, and although I didn't get up to anything illegal, it led to a few embarrassing conversations with friends and their Mums and Dads. To say I was sexually fucked up from a young age was an understatement. Couple that with an abuse parent, untreated Aspergers and a crapload of drugs, alcohol and whatever else you think I should throw into the equation.
For me sex was purely a physical thing, because my first sexual contact as a very young kid was physical only, I had not developed any natural feelings that come along with the act, and I was too young to do so. I had pretty much learned from a very young age that, in crypto terms, sex was a pump 'n dump and that was it. This led to a lot of hysteria in my early twenties, especially from frustrated women that wanted to get me to connect with them, when in all honesty I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Yes, my late teens and twenties were littered with brief relationships that lasted a month, perhaps two maximum because of my unwillingness to open up.
It wasn't until I met my wife, now. Perhaps one of the most intelligent women I've ever met, knew that to be with me it was going to be playing the long game. I doubt she saw me and thought yeah, we're going to be together and from day one we'll be like besotted with each other. She did really enjoy my company from the start, though, but she knew to crack me open it would take time. And the more our relationship deepened, the more this reality became apparent.
I think personally, it took me a very long time to slow down in bed, our first session lasted perhaps 15 minutes maximum, and I was the king premature ejaculator back then. Just call me two pumps and a squirt man, but hey, that's all I had known right?
From there, though, it's been a long learning road to success in the bedroom. I learned how to communicate with her, which was probably my toughest barrier to break down. A lifetime of being told to keep my feelings in, and a Catholic School telling me that sex is dirty and sinful. But we cracked that eventually.
Anyone that tells me men can't have multiple orgasms obviously hasn't met the right partner yet, or took some time to educate and read up on healthy sexuality. Yes, I experience them, and boy are they fucking amazing. There is a togetherness that I feel in bed with my wife that I cannot describe, it feels as if we are one, like I am an extension of her. I feel that's healthy.
There is an openness to sexuality I have now that wasn't quite there before. Sex used to be a seedy, dirty act that two people lustfully carry out when their emotions got the better of them. Yet I feel that's where we, or definitely I was going wrong. Sex is of course a private affair, but it's beautiful and awesome and great and shouldn't be hidden from yourself.
I'm a very sexual man, and I think every other man and woman can agree that they are too. I would deny myself chances with other people because I was closed off and barricaded. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Find a partner and be wonderfully open with them!
Thanks for listening today. Hope you liked it,
Be well, friends,
it a good article and one I'm sure took some guts to write. Having had an 'awful experience ' at 3 yrs old and coupled with other factors you obviously had difficulties forming relationships as you say. You've met someone wonderful you say, and all the way through your article you praise this lady, compliment her on bringing you out of your 'shell' and experiencing amazing sex - but at no point do you mention the word LOVE ? - just found it odd - I'm sure you do but you dont say it - good Sex is good in a relationship, but LOVE is the key in my opinion.
still a good post
Thank you - Yep. I LOVE her very, very much - but I didn't want to complicate things because the word love is used so broadly and subjectively.
I've heard people say they love their partners, yet they treat them abominably. Probably in their mind, they do, but I thought for the interest of safety I'd keep it direct and to the point :)
totally get that, but you seemed so passionate about her, was just surprised that you didn't just once mention it...nice to know you do though :)
still a good post :)
Thank you! :)
I will try next time to add that in :)
Great post! I've also written about sex and how I think we should all be talking about it more in a healthy way. Thank you for setting that example here!
I REALLY liked your article. Thanks for sharing that. I left you a comment also :)
Thank you!
Going to have a look now, thank you :)
It is truly a shame how many of us experience different kinds of abuse while young. Love and sex are definitely skills we need to learn, they hardly come naturally, especially with when you've had a fucked-up past. Thanks for sharing!
It's very true. When one grows up with no love, the it has to be learnt as they grow older