Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about getting engaged. But probably not for the right reasons.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He’s my best friend. I’ve never been so comfortable and content with someone before. We're happy as clams. But as our 3 year anniversary approaches, I’m starting to wonder: where is the point where we talk seriously about engagement? It's been discussed hypothetically, but...how long are you supposed to wait? When are you supposed to know? My friend got engaged after a year! Am I doing it wrong? Am I off schedule? Am I missing out?
But then I saw this Instagram post by illustrator Mari Andrew, and it really made me think.
I like to imagine myself as being above peer and societal pressure. I’m a free spirit who does things my own way! Except, maybe I’m not. Why am I really worrying about what the “next stage” is that I should be accomplishing? Why does “keeping on schedule” matter so much to me?
Personally, I blame Facebook and Instagram. If I didn’t have social media, I probably wouldn’t have a clue that an acquaintance from school dresses her toddler in adorable outfits, or that a childhood friend had a powder blue vintage Beetle as her wedding car. I wouldn’t know what life goals my classmates from 7 years ago were completing. So would it matter to me that I haven’t completed them yet?
Inspired by Mari, I’ve had a big think and asked myself some questions. Namely:
Do I really want to get engaged? Or do I just want a ring picture to put on Facebook?
Five young women I know got engaged in the last two years. One of them got married last week. At least two of the other engagements have been broken off. But somehow I still envy them. They got to make a big announcement, change their relationship status from the ordinary “in a relationship” to the grown-up official “engaged”, and get lots of congratulations and compliments. Wouldn’t that be exciting?
I don’t really think much about the actual wedding that would need to take place if I got engaged, let alone the cost of it! I just love imagining the thrill of putting up a picture of my ring hand (possibly wearing the vintage ring I inherited from my great-aunt, pictured above because I needed a photo for this post!). Maybe with an oh-so-casual “Well, this happened!” caption. Then I could just wait for the love and attention to flood in, and people pestering me about the wedding. Which leads me to think...
Do I really want a wedding? Or do I just want photos of myself in a beautiful dress with the perfect bouquet of flowers?
I’m not usually too bothered about what I wear (nearly all my clothing is second hand), but I’ve thought a lot about what I want my wedding dress to look like. I was a little bothered that my friend’s dress last week slightly resembled my imaginary one – now I’ll have to start over, or look like I’m copying her! I’ve daydreamed at length about who I’d pick as a bridesmaid. I’ve imagined my favourite wildflowers in my bouquet. I’ve pictured the look on my boyfriend’s face as he sees me come down the aisle.
But...have I given much thought to what our marriage after that wedding would be like? Not really. More of the same, I guess? We already live together most of the year, while we’re at college. I can only assume. I honestly don’t have a clue. Do we really need to get married to have this life? And do I even really want a wedding? I’m not crazy about big fancy parties. Am I just afraid of missing out by not having one? And for that matter...
Do I really want a baby in the next few years? Or do I just want to make a pregnancy announcement?
I’m 25, and sometimes I feel impatient to start a family. But my boyfriend is three years younger than me, so even when I’m ready, I expect to wait another year or two for him to feel like it’s time. This is probably a good thing. Still, I’ve thought plenty about how and when I’d announce that I was pregnant. My Facebook timeline seems full of announcements lately, from the straightforward scan photo with “It’s been hard to keep this quiet for 12 weeks!”, to the more creative “Waiting for Player 3” with 3 sets of X-Box controllers and some tiny shoes. Everyone seems to be having babies – I don’t want to get left behind when they’re all talking about feeding and teething and toddling.
Beyond the pregnancy, I’m very eager to claim my favourite baby name before any of my friends grab it. But do I have much of an idea of how to be a parent? Am I ready to give up my current lifestyle for sleepless nights and endless crying (probably from both me and the baby)? Hell no. I’m grumpy and put out if I get less than 7 hours. I’m still young and selfish and don’t want to deal with that yet. But still, I’d feel so special, wouldn’t I, with a gorgeous little baby to show off? With living proof that I’m a certified Adult With Their Life In Order all wrapped up in a soft wool blanket? I’d LOOK like I was on schedule with my life, and a small part of my brain likes to whisper that THAT is what really matters these days.
Thinking critically like this has made me a little uncomfortable. Because now I know what’s happening, I know where I’m getting these ludicrous urges to keep up with the crowd...but I still want to keep up! I’m still looking ahead to the next goal, still keeping my eye on the “finishing line”, as though a ring on your finger or a 12-week scan photo is the ultimate goal, and not the enormous change to your life that will result from it.
I don’t have any particularly wise words to round this off. I don’t even know how to alter my thinking, having made these realisations! But I’m interested to hear if others experience this phenomenon. Do you feel the pressure to accomplish all your “life goals” on a schedule? If so, where does that pressure come from? If you had to ask yourself questions like this, what would they be? And most importantly, if you were being honest...how would you answer?
Encouragement from my experience with being engaged so far:
It's easy to find yourself waiting on the next something without paying attention to the present. Every moment you share with your SO is a moment you will never have back, so live in them. The time will come when it is right.
I proposed to my fiancé after seven months of dating. For some, that felt fast. For us it felt like the most natural, comfortable thing we could be doing- and still does. Wait for that feeling.
And congrats on three years, I can't imagine dating someone for that long. Having to wait another 9 months to get married alone is torture!
Cheers,
~ Mako
Seven months, wow! That is pretty quick! I hope you'll be very happy together.
I guess what I try to remind myself is that if our relationship is really going to last for a very long time anyway, there's no harm in waiting to get engaged. We don't need to prove anything to anyone really. I do try to live in the moment and focus on our life together right now, but there's so much outside influence trying to nudge its way in!
Thank you for your thoughts :)
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Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you. All the best !!
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