If you watch my youtube videos, this is old news to you. I wasn’t planning on telling my story today (which feels more vulnerable) but lets get to it.
Exactly one year ago I was on day 20 of a 54 day long fast. What I didn’t know on this day was that the fast would shake me to my absolute fucking core. Everything was fine during the fast, but the recovery phase the months following were terrifying.
I was open to the idea that physical trauma could occur from this personal experiment I was doing. I expected my hair would fall out post fast. I expected to be weak. I expected the possibility that eating again could make me so sick and land me in the hospital or even kill me (It’s happened).
What I didn’t expected was anxiety and depression. My mind took the biggest hit in the process. 70% of my hair falling out 2 months post fast was nothing compared to the fear I had to deal with my thoughts. For the first time in my life, I experienced what it was like to fear my mental health. I never felt so out of control and fearful to be me.
Anxiety occurred for me around food and social situations. Before fasting I thought I had signs of having binge eating disorder, but what I experienced after was the true disorder. Getting out of the house was more like peeling myself out of the house. I didn’t want to see anyone. I developed body dysmorphia and had a hard time accepting my new body for what it was.
Looking back, this time was absolutely the darkest time in my life. I know this because of the fear I experienced. I was afraid that the the tough, resident, and strong Mariah was dead, and a new person had grown within. This person could not be trusted with my life. This person was capable of doing hurtful things. This person did not have my best interest.
The problem was solved when I returned back to my original weight before the fast. Interesting how that works. My body felt comfortable to be my normal self again. It was not in flight or fight mode and trying to protect it self. My body felt safe again which then made my mind feel safe again too.
I have a hard time calling this trauma because it was self inflicted. I made the choice to do what I did. I think of trauma as something someone else did to you. Something you did not have control over.
I am thrilled to report I am past this deep, dark time. I came out on the other side. I feel stronger from it. I feel more alive knowing I am capable of overcoming it. I learned tremendously about myself in this process- and that I can dig deep and get through it. Never give up on yourself.
My uncle always says “ the whole world can’t do you as much harm as you do to yourself “.....glad you are back to your old self .... it’s crazy how doing something outside of your comfort zone can really effect your mental status .
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