Shall we take the kids to Almond Valley today?
The Good Lady said with a dreamy air as if she had just discovered self-raising flour in the cupboard.
Ugh, I hate farms, baby. It's always the same old shit. Literally shit surrounding a poky wee gift shop selling Chinese tat.
I gave out a disapproving hiss like a Turtle being given purple sprouting broccoli to eat.
That's a bit bitter sounding!
The Good Lady laughed.
Well, that's decided then. We're going. Straighten your face and load up the car.
She kissed me on the cheek as if that would make everything better. I harrumphed and pretended that it hadn't.
And so it was. We arrived an hour later at Almond Valley and after parking the car the kids ran screaming out towards a giant bouncey castle in the shape of a cow.
I watched the kids leap up and down trying to hit the "cow's" udders before scanning about for a coffee shop.
See. Isn't this fun? Look how happy the kids are?
The Good Lady purred with contentment as if she were a ginger cat tormenting a wounded starling.
Hmmph, suppose.
I kicked a stone and breathed in the manure-heavy air.
God this place stank, just to confirm that, a nearby Llama shat itself unashamedly in an adjacent field.
Manky long-necked bastard
I thought as its over-ripe bum cigars curled onto the ground.
Then I saw it, The Coffee Barn.
Yeehaaw!
I yelped with excitement as if a sassy brunette chick had slapped my arse and called me Charlie.
Coffee, what do you want, a latte?
Already I was imagining a Cinnamon swirl to go with my Flat white. Then I thought of the Llama's odd curled shits and shivered. Bastard Llama.
Yeah, a latte would be nice.
The Good Lady stared happily at the children jumping about on the bouncy castle as if childhood was an ephemeral thing not to last.
I skipped off to the Coffee Barn and got in the queue. I hoped the coffee would be nice, it could be touch and go at these places. Either the owners really cared and got some decent kit to make coffee or they wanted to screw everyone out of money and got a cheap fucking Tassimo rip-off.
Still, it was a cool little coffee place with the woody oak-like exterior of an old lesbian.
Can ah 'elp ya love?
The mad-looking blonde woman serving gazed at me with a predatory eye.
Yeah, Skinny latte and a flat white, please.
I smiled valiantly like a bullfighter in a rainstorm.
Ooo, flat white is it? Fancy.
She gave me an approving nod as if she could already see herself washing down my flanks with a rough flannel.
Moments later, I was heading away from the Coffee Barn with two steaming hot coffees.
Ah, this ain't so bad.
I sighed cheerily to myself.
The sun even popped out and the temperature rose to a balmy 14 degrees which in Scotland is positively tropical.
Daddy! Daddy!! Come and see! Black Swan!! Black swan!!
The Little Boom was running toward me, his face flushed with excitement and fear.
I felt a hand of ice clutch my heart. A black swan? For real? This could not be. I mean, I knew a lot of things about a lot of stuff but all I knew about Black Swans is that they are arbiters of great change and destruction.
Surely, he hadn't seen a Black Swan?
This way!!
He dragged at my trouser leg and I heroically did my best not to drop the scalding hot coffees on him.
We came over to a pond in which some ducks looked to be despondently quacking about the Hive price.
Then I saw them.
Sweet Jeebus. It was true. Black Swans.
Quick, fetch your mother and sister.
I hastened the Little Boom away as I stared in horror at the two monsters paddling but feet away from me.
Black Swans were nothing but trouble.
We had better drive to the hills, maybe even the mountains. Hopefully, we would be ok. Hopefully.
But even as I wished it were so the words of Diana Ross echoed through my mind.
Aint no mountain high enough...
Fucking hell, I felt sick. She knew?!
Ok, so am I to believe there was no cake or pastry purchased with those coffees? Could it be true? Methinks you simply failed to mention it because I cannot believe you didn't partake. Say it isn't so.
Llamas and rough flannel flank washing lesbians man...one must be cautious of both. It is widely known.
Alright, you've forced my hand. I got a cinnamon swirl after all and it was fucking marvellous even if it did loosely resemble that llama's shit 😀😀
I fucken knew it!
You simply have to!
It's funny, we went to the zoo the other day and we also saw some black swans. Been a long time since I saw the buggers. What's looming on the horizon now?! A curled shit outside my door?!
We go to farms so often these days that I don't even recognize the smell of animal shit hahaha it's a weekly routine.
It's almost weekly with us now the weather is getting better. I hadn't seen a black swan before. I was genuinely like wow.
Before the fear kicked in!!
The black swan was behind this bro cleaning his asshole in front of everyone.
They have no shame! That's a funky looking bird!
It's only coffee that should come in black and white varieties.
How was the coffee?
!BEER
The coffee was not bad, as good as it gets in these kind of places!
Man, the mention of the llama's shit and the coffee reminded me of civet coffee. Do you know, or have you had that? Your humor is always so refreshing. The black swan and Hive was my favorite.
I have never had it but always been tempted to buy it. I see it online a lot and think what if it was amazing? But then I'm like, nah, I'll stick to regular!!
We have it here in the Philippines, but I've never tried it. Just imagining that I'll be drinking poo water makes me not want to drink it at all haha.
There would always be that at the back of your mind thinking... Is this really just shit? Lol!
I think more care should be taken with that poor shorn llama. What cheap and horrible hairdresser did she go to?
The kind of hairdresser that's going straight to hell!! 🤣🤣
🤣
🤣🤣🤣 hero without no cape. You did so well. I hoped to read what word the Good Lady might have in stock for you, but don't worry, my imaginative mind is mind-blowing 😅.
Haha, I am sure it doesn't take much imagination to know what she thinks of me half the time!! 😀😀
🤣🤣🤣 kill me!!!!
If they are such bad news, I wonder why the farm is still there 🤣 Actually sounds like a good place for the kids to run off their energy :)
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It was great the kids totally crashed that night!
Even with the taint of evil black swannage in the wind 😀
See, they were good luck!
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Your coffee is missing a few ingredients.. like Baileys, Kaluha, Vodka... and a straw
That would be quite the tasty beverage!!! 😀😀
They look perfectly normal to me? XD
they're all black swans here, I'm trying to remember the last time I saw a white one
No way! Seriously?? I thought it was the wildest most unusual thing ever!! I had never seen one in my entire life. The only time I had heard of them was in connection to mad bad crypto shit going down!! 🤣🤣
LoL XD Well in fairness it seems to be yet another weird north/south hemisphere thing? There's a black swan on the state flag of Western Australia and we also have a few businesses using it as a name (there's a Black Swan Theatre Company and I think a restaurant or brewery or something).
Thats is weird, I like it.
Although it does add to the theory that down south is hell and up here is heaven :OD
🤣🤣
That Llama man! It looks fake almost. Like two humans pretending to be a Llama.
A master of the turn of phrase 😁
The llamas were darn weird. It was the shorn sheep like hair. They're were like kids toys!!
Grubby hands detached off the keyboard, coffee to cheer you up, then bam wham no thank you Mam Black Swan attack!
Shoot, I'm glad I don't live in your gray/grey/gay matter....
!BEER
It's a strange and terrible place... 😜😜
Coffee was good though!! 😀
Nice photo of black swans never seen them so there you go!
I hadn't either!! Mad looking things!
No visits to the pond at night...
You wouldn't see them until they were upon you!!
🤐 glo in the dark red beak attack...
Those swans honestly look painted, like is done to most flowers, nowadays, so I wouldn't worry too much about it being a dark omen ;<)
They had red beaks!!! Blood. Rivers of blood!! 🤣🤣
They did look a bit unnatural but I am sure they were real, just not necessarily bringers of the apocalypse!
I couldn't help but notice that too.
Flamingos get their pink color from eating shrimp.
Perhaps these swans eat oil or other black stuff.
Feels a bit dark indeed
but, remember, fear is the mind killer.
Don't fall for it.
They eat oily demonic entities from the deep and dip their breaks into the hearts of men.
That's it, I'm going to ground!
You go ground yourself,
so you don't end up underneath it ( 6 feet under).
I am grounded, I have my feet on the grass. All is well... For now!
Don't catch a cold ;^)
just kidding
Omg, I could picture those little gremlins jumping with laughter trying to whack the cows udders. Definitely the highlight of the story for me, but dang, a double whammy on the black swans though, whoah!
What a nice and entertaining read 👊
Thank you!
Yes, it was a strangely placed pair of udders! It perhaps deliberate as they drove the kids wild!
I ont think I've ever seen a lama after it's wool has been groomed. It's a bit off putting.
Not too sure if I've ever seen a black swan either. Cool!
A good coffee and make any event worth while.
I was a bit disconcerted when I saw them. They had all been shaved and out made them look really weak and skinny. Not like the battle steeds I would ride to war on! 😀😀
Yeah exactly. It's a bit sickly looking
There were others in the distance. Perhaps this one was shunned for being an arsehole 😀
Oh no! And TWO of them at THAT. Double trouble coming for sure.
"We came over to a pond in which some ducks looked to be despondently quacking about the Hive price." THAT.... made me laugh ! Quack ! Quack ! on Hive price indeed.
I did enjoy seeing the photos you took of the black swans though and I bet it was really neat to see the pair of them in person.
It was quite amazing. We all hoovered about them for ages whilst they played the too cool for swan school card!! Two as well, I wonder if they are a couple and there will be baby blacks soon!
LOL Damn Diana Ross for not letting us know. Wonder what else she's holding out on? Every trip is an adventure with you lol.
I think I shall have to examine her lyrics for more Nostradamus while future warnings!! Lol 😀😀
Wish you shared more photos mate. I like being in such natural places!
I do have a pile but there wasn't much more! I have a castle post to come though!! 🙂
Looking forward to read ;)
If I ever get round to it. Been meaning to post it for over a month!!
14c, its June ffs.. summer.., did you hear me weather.., I have had enough, Greece tomorrow, though the doubloons don't pour like they once did.
I noticed that too when Santosh last year. Still, the weather is a definite plus. I can't take how shit this summer has been so far. I had the heating on yesterday!
Ugh, where's that global warming, bring it on!
That's what I always say. Could be feeling with a bit more heat up in these climes!!
I believe there’s something to this. I used to work for Les Wexner in The Limited’s home office. He had dozens of black swans brought in around the ponds on the property. We all know what happened to him (Jeff Epstein).
Wow, harbingers of doom indeed!!
It was strange. All the buildings were black, he even had the sidewalks painted black.
That takes strange to the very next level!
Indeed....here's some images of the building I worked in (what a name for an architectural firm). https://acock.com/l-brands-office
It is kinda funky tho!
Yeah, it was cool, cutting edge when it was built in the 1980's. We had no idea all that Epstein stuff was going on at the time. He was probably in the building when I worked there. Pretty creepy.
I also often take my little friends to the park and zoo. They always feel very happy when they come to places like this
It does make them happy, it's good to see them full of wonder!
Exactly . I remember one time I came home and told my grandchild we would go to the park tomorrow. They took their hands off their phones and jumped for joy
Sometimes they are begging for the chance to do something different
A nice day out with the family, and some blue sky as well! haha.
A hint of it! Plus a biting wind just in case we got carried away 😀😀
LOL dang. Right now in Phoenix we kill for a bit of wind, after getting out of the pool or lake that wind is free air conditioning haha.
Lol. If I could sell it I would! 😀😀
LOL
Always an interesting read and a slightly exaggerated piece as with the black swans being bad omens. Now we know where the fear on his face originated from. All I know is, it makes for more excitement and wonder.
I hoped they aren't really bad omens!
There’s no greater feeling than being in a place of nature
I love the swans
Nice pictures all through
Aye, nature is good. Black swans are bad 😀😀
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I remember once, there was a fire in the sky. That night several children went missing and the elders called a council.
🤣
¡WOW! Eso suena como una aventura de terror,debe haber sido un poco aterrador al principio, Pero suena muy interesante. Me encantaría escuchar más sobre su historia.
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STOPor to resume write a wordSTARTYou are a wordsmith sir, and I doff my cap to you. (I'm not even wearing one and yet it's doffed.)
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Everyone loves a doffing of the cap!! 😀😀
Lol, fuck me South Park eventually makes its way to Israel after twenty odd years and Amy-Blamey thinks he's a trailblazer! 🤣🤣
I'm still laughing! 😂😂
Amy's back and looking for love! Yay!! 🤣🤣