I was walking from the train to the office today. As is normal, I stopped in to get a coffee to brace myself for the day ahead.
I was not in the best of spirits it must be said, having had a dream during the night that there was something under the floorboards of my house and it was trying to get me. Needless to say, I have not had a dream like that for some years. I woke up in quite the lather.
On the plus side though, after waking up in the middle of the night drenched in fear sweat, the final plot lines of Uncle Boom's next instalment were coming together in my head. By golly, I was pleased at that and no mistake. It seems that justice of a sort may be finally catching up with old Uncle Boom.
A bit of a shame as I enjoyed writing about the murderous old gentleman immensely. No spoilers though!
So I got to the top of the line in the coffee shop and waited to be served. This is one of my favourite coffee shops because a) the coffee is rather tasty, b) The serving girl looks like she listens to Slayer and is quite disdainful to all she serves.
Which I find quite appealing.
Anyway, I digress. So I get there and grumpily notice that metal chick who can make coffee is not about, damn, I hope she hasn't told the boss to go and fuck himself or something?
Instead of her there is a plastic smiled waif of a girl. She beams at me.
Good morning! Can I take your order?
Hmmph, good question. Can you? I think bad temperedly.
Yes, Flat white to go please and good morning.
From the depths of my early morning barren soul, I muster a half smile. After all. It's nearly Christmas.
I stand back with the other well-dressed vaginas awaiting similar orders.
After a mere minute or two, she beckons. I walk over, hand out to receive my legal high.
Gingerbread Latte, extra hot! Merry Christmas!
I stand and give her a basilisk stare. Eventually I manage to speak without swearing.
No, I ordered a flat white to go.
Her plastic smile crumbled away to be replaced with a snarl like a dog gnawing at a ham bone. If that ham bone was the thigh bone on my cooling corpse.
It was a Gingerbread Latte, Extra hot.
She stated through gritted teeth.
I can't stand flavoured coffee. I would never order that in a million years. Even if it was free.
She flounced round to the barista.
Paul, did he order a Gingerbread Latte? He did, didn't he?
Nothing like leading the witness you snarly boot. I thought. Paul shrugged his shoulders as if to say, how the fuck would I know. I am Paul.
At the shrug of the shoulders, the girl rolled her eyes and muttered.
For fuck sake.
Another minute or two later she aggressively thumped my coffee down.
Flat White, Extra hot, to go.
She readied to turn her back.
I didn't order it extra hot. I don't like it extra hot. It makes the coffee bitter.
I sounded like an arse. She glared at me like I was an arse. The rest of the customers stared at me as if I was an arse who had just rubbed shit on a tiger's face.
Snarly shit-faced tiger girl trembled as if about to explode. Then the most amazing thing happened. She swallowed and you could visibly see the vitriol, hate and disgust being swallowed away inside. Deep deep down inside. That can't be good for you, I thought.
She smiled, quite plastically obviously.
Of course, sir, Paul, could you make this gentleman a Flat White, NOT extra hot?
She stared at me still smiling that big old fake smile.
I smiled back, my smile all badgers testicles and sharp glass. A gentleman eh? Hmm, inspiration comes from the funniest places sometimes...
She gave you "un petit café dans sa culotte".
That is hilarious!! Haha, oh I must remember that :0)
This post has received gratitude of 1.00 % from @jout thanks to: @meesterboom.
I have no idea what that means! I am grateful though!
You got a 0.08% upvote from @postpromoter courtesy of @jout!
Oh boy, did I ever need this laugh from reading your post. It is amazing how the day can go to crap, with an order made wrong, especially when it comes to coffee. Depending on the coffee, sometimes I drink it straight up, and other times with flavor. I love the pumpkin spice or peppermint this time of year though. I don't really know why. Maybe is the smell, lol.
Thanks for giving my morning a pick-me-up.
Lol, you're welcome. I couldn't really day or it would have undefined my argument but I have been known to get a caramel latte when my day is sir and I need a sugar boost to throw me up into the sky!
Hello sir i aM new user pls folow me back sir
Given that you are new I will be nice. Don't content on other people's posts asking to be followed. It won't end well. Try reading the FAQ for handy new person tips
Ha! You went so easy on him Boom. Why it must be Christmas indeed LOL!
wow. so much politeness in this good fella!!
"NOT extra hot" is barista code for "drop a phlegm oyster in the bottom, Paul".
I was watching like a hawk eyed badger!!! No phlegm in my morning coffee is the rule!!
With my deteriorating eyesight and ever decreasing attention span, I find it easier not to cross anyone who has access to my food and drink. It's cheaper than hiring a food tester.
That is true. In another couple of years I shall consider this sage advice ;0)
coffee should never be flavoured, anyone that does should have their heart fed to the dead gods.
I concur!!
"I would never order a flavored coffee even if it was free" Hell yes!! This exact thing happened to me last winter at a starbucks, and I swear to you that I said the exact same thing word for word!!! Blech to flavored coffee, eww, I like coffee flavored coffee thank you very much, and absolutely despise it being extra hot because that means it will be an hour before I can even drink it!! I tell ya me boom, our connection just grew another foot, now we share the same taste in beer and coffee, there can be no doubt that somewhere in our family tree a boomster and a dreemy mated, there is family ties I'm sure of it!
And grr, if I were at that barrista with you, and I saw people giving you 'the look' I would give them all a look to wither them on the spot, how dare she and they give my boom such a look!
Exactly! I remember a time someone made me chicory coffee. I asked, is it still coffee? They replied of course. Blegh, it wasnt. It was like wood flavoured coffee the swine!!
Hehe, we do share a lot of the same tastes dont we!
xD 'I'm just Paul, man' genius! haha
My hubby would have had a meltdown if that had happened to him, he likes his coffee black...that's it! haha someone served him a espresso once and he about threw it at them! xD Don't ever get between a man and his morning coffee...
I was almost on the verge of going nuts myself. I kept thinking, oh no, not first thing, I can't cope first thing!!
[reading reading reading]
[reading reading]...wait did he just refer to himself and the other customers as "well dressed vaginas?"
[reads up]
[turns away from computer quickly to avoid spitting ice cream on keyboard] XD
I have no idea what that would look like and actually don't even want to imagine it but my imagination will as per usual just go right on ahead and do whatever the hell it feels like. A rather original description of danger I have to say XD
I thought it a splendid description of danger too!
I had originally in the bit above referred to myself and the others as well dressed fannies but changes it to make it more accessible to all. Fannies being quite the Scottish colloquialism!
Your post very interested I'd been drinking coffee for so many years. to I have to have at least a cup and a half to start my day. I love the smell in the morning when the coffee pot is off that's how I start my day. you have my vote
The day just cannot start without it!
I appreciate you stopping by
I don't drink coffee at places who don't do flat whites..flat white is the extreme coffee achievement :D
It is!! Have you heard of the 13 second rule. I got told this by a genuine Australian in a tiny Asian coffee shop
Oh man, regardless of whoever thought what or was upset, glad you did that. Some ppl need to listen, and serve properly !
They do. Why if it was any other day I might have torn the roof of the place! ;0)
haha i have no doubt ! Oh and today is advisements day, can't wait ! :D
Hehe, it is and what a tense instalment it is!
Well see here Boom, that's why I take the manly option of getting all my coffee fixes from the self serve coffee bar at the 24 hour gas station. The less human interaction, the more pleasant the experience!
The less the better, I couldnt agree more!
Man, I really hate those kinds of people. I mean, I get that miscommunication is unavoidable, but if they get pissed off because of their mistake, that really make me want to throw out some extra hot coffee. People who think that the service industry means the "serve us" industry really shouldn't be in that line of work.
Gah I'm sad to hear the Uncle Boom is in its twilight :( It feels like it started just yesterday! Who would give out advisements to the needy then!?
Good old Uncle Boom. You know where you are with that man I will tell you! I do hope you enjoy today's instalment!
Serve us industry. You have such a splendid day with words dudester!!
As it does with me... multiple times, I might add.
Ooohhh baby I love your day to you too, daddy-o!
Oh I love a typo!! Sometimes they make more sense. I am amazed that my posts aren't full of them!
Or I would be if I didn't proof read the mutha funkahs like a mad skull!
They surely do! Makes the brain do wonderful things in all the interpretation! Gives all our posts and comments flavor, like salt and pepperjacks.
And as we all know, everyone I've loves a pepperjack!! Hurrah for the torsos!! ;0)
But of course! We know each other so well! Steemit years are equivalent to dog years after all!
If you really want to screw them up ask for a black coffee with a little milk in it.
The first time it will do their head in, it isn't in the 'how to ' book, so they will ask you how to do it.
That is how a flat white got to Austratia.
HAha, you know I will try that. Ican see their faces already!
This young lass has no idea what she's messing about with this early in the AM. Bald-Faced hornet's nest and a stick, my dear, Bald Face' and a stick...
You think they would teach em at coffee school!
There's a concept you can dream about the night before your next visit. Better than something in the floorboards again...(ooh, it's a clueless baristawoman under your bed. Yikes. )
It was a foretelling, She is under there!! arrrrgh!!!
Customers are always right that's why she did swallow her swear.
Keep it up sir. Enjoyed it as usual.
@seyiodus.
Thank you lassie! :O)
Because it is so difficult to satisfy the client. if it is simple how to listen and interpret what the client wants, before a request a question to understand that we speak the same language.
There is no worse thing than starting the morning being poorly attended.
However very funny the palbras you have used to describe the situation dear friend / @ meesterboom, thank you very much for the daily quota of humor
I wish you a beautiful nights
Many good night to you too @jlufer!
Palabras are my special thing! :OD
I do not drink tea or coffee, but love the smell of coffee very much.
It has a fantastic smell. I toast my own beans sometimes and it smells amazing!
I was working as an accountant in San Diego a few years ago and was in a coffee shop doing inventory. I do not drink coffee so I do not know the details, but this man ordered a coffee that was supposed to have some kind of foam and the foam was not done to his liking. He started screaming at the girl who made the coffee -she barely spoke English and was near tears. I decided to step in.
Big mistake!
This man was from Seattle. He knows how coffee is supposed to be made and this is not it. He does not want another one if this is the best we can do and wants his $7 (!) back right now. He got to the state of spitting on me in anger before the cook and the maintenance guy came and bodily threw him out the door.
The manager told me this happens all the time and that I should have never tried to talk to any coffee customer who was to the point of screaming.
Lesson learned: Do not drink coffee, enter coffee shops, or ever, ever, work in one.
Lol, I think I would feel exactly the same way that is a horror story and no mistake!
I managed to get all my screaming out when I was a baby :0D
Can't imagine not having flavored coffee as a choice. I love the pumpkin spice this time of year. To each his own as this makes the world go around.
Hehe, oh yes, I know some people love it. I am a straight up regular kind of guy :0)
For the sake of readers, whats a flat white ? Only coffee I know is Black as Night, Pitchblack or Devils Sinkhole (which, incidentally, also turns out to be very black).
Oh my those sound magic! I do like a black coffee. First thing in the morning I like a bit of milk in it and a flat white is a double espresso with a little frothed milk... I think lol
ah Ok I get it ... the names they have for all these different types of coffee ey ...
Yeah, in the end they are all just coffee with varying amounts of milk lol!!
I've met this kind of barista before. A fearful archetype indeed.
It seems that justice of a sort may be finally catching up with old Uncle Boom.
Oh no, not old Uncle Boom!
It seems that there is only so much wanton murder that a man can get away with! ;0)
The Australians invented the flat white. If you're in a coffee house run by Australians, you're usually going to be in good hands...
I have heard this!
The Kiwis went over to Aussie .and showed them how, first.
hopefully more fun day and more beautiful dreams
Always!
good
you are just extraordanary story creator..your every concept i like... carry on your story writing... well done✌✌✌
Cheers lass! Did you find yourself almost voting?
my vote not get.mine
Of course. I understand. Sometimes the trees scare me too
but why my friend??
Their bark I think
oh i see..can i one question please??
Cheers from city cafe
Lol, Cheers!
ideally more fun day and more wonderful dreams.
regards
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STOPohh wow
"... my smile all badgers testicles and sharp glass." LMAO! Never mess with a coffee drinker, lol.