And how are your nipples?
I retreated to my happy place and sang childhood songs in my head to blot out the conversation in my living room. The doula was here for her post birth visitation. She and the good lady were discussing stuff that should remain in the dark.
No cracking, redness?
Boak. I remember when they used to be my toys. Now what were they? Slobbery nub nubs for a baby's delectation. I pulled the mental pillow even tighter over my ears.
How was the birth for you Boom Dawg?
I noticed that both of them were looking at me. The Doula and the good lady. Like I was a mouse at a hawk's tea party. What? What had she said? How was the birth for me?
Would it be ok to say it was like that bit in Empire Strikes Back where Han slices open the TaunTaun's belly and all its guts fall out when he was saving a frozen Luke Skywalker? No, better stay safe.
Oh it was fine.
Fine?
The Doula tilted her head quizzically as if figuring out how best to devour the fine specimen in front of her. The good lady was not looking too impressed either at my lack of loquacity.
Dammit, they needed more? Alright then. Double barrels...
Yeah, it was a doddle really.
It was like a dog had ran into the room and shat on the carpet. They looked at me with a heavy combination of disgust and disdain.
What the heck did they want from me? It was done. Couldn't we move on? The good lady shook her head like a cow being irritated by flies. Oh oh, I recognised that look.
Well. A doddle for me obviously. I mean, I just had to stand there.
By now the stares were gorgon-esque in their intensity. Fuck, fuck, fuckity baws... I had to get out of this. And fast. But what. They seemed to want something from me, something more. Like ravening zombies hungering for flesh. Wait...
I mean, I did cry. I cried. A lot.
I pushed my bottom lip out in the patented sad-face.
Awwwwww.
Chorused the good lady and the Doula. They swiftly moved their raptor gazes away from me and got back to talking of Calendula petals, inverted things and cracked nipples.
I erected my mental shields against it all again and retreated back to my happy place
Your post made me think about how the behavior of women around changed after I got married.
Other women, knowing that you're married, can discuss their... things, even in the absence of your wife. They don't even know your wife, they are just colleagues at work. But for some reason, they think that once you're married, you already know all these...things.
Therefore, they are not shy talking about bleeding, diarrhea, hair on their asses, the cracks between fingers, eating little boys, until they had time to grow into a man...
I believe that women and men are not supposed to talk about everything, must be some physiological-secrets ;)
I am with you one hundred percent. There has to be a little mystique.
I have experienced it at work. Women talking to be about things I would rather not know about. One in particular was hair on her ass. I was like, oh come on!!!
hehehehehe!!!! oh man, I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head for the awkwardness ALL men feel in situations like that lol!
Love that! >:D Often safer to hide away in one's happy place hey...
So @meesterboom - how was this comment? Was it "fine"? lol :p (Don't run away now! lol)
On a slightly different note - been meaning to make contact with you but can never seem to get steemit chat to work, so comments it is (so apologies for the brazen and somewhat impersonal approach lol)
I recently launched a server for "Steemit Bloggers" on discord... and as you are what I consider an AWESOME writer, I thought I would drop you an invite, should you wish to "pop by" :)
https://discordapp.com/invite/gRypnga
Oh that's awfully nice of you. Both the content and the invite!
I like discord now. I shall endeavour to pop over and see what's shaking baby!! :0D
I cried! I cried! lol - good thing you remembered that!
Those doulas are all so serious-pants ;-)
As soon as you mention the man tap getting turned on they let you off with anything. Its fantastic! You are right, the doulas can be awfully serious!
Hee hee, I remember when Howie had the same complaint, that his 'fun bags' had been usurped :)
If the good lady does have any trouble with cracking nips, tell her to get the clear vitamin e capsules, the kind you generally swallow, break them open and rub the oil on....or you can do it for her, lol!
Wow, that's a good tip! I would help her run them on but seeing a second child nuzzle in and treat them like stretchy toys had ruined them for me!
Hi @dreemit! @meesterboom is sending you 0.1 SBD tip and @tipU upvote
:)
@tipU - send tips by writing tip! in the comment, get share of the profit :)I'm a woman. Thank god no one has talked to me about hair on their ass or other gross stuff. The comments have scarred me. You have to look intimidating I think. Doesn't help in your own marriage though.
Ah the comments in this one were a little scarring. The hair on the ass. It took me a while to look at foxy ladies in the same way again ;0D
Hahhahaaha Oh you MAN you!
Double damn tooting!! Lol!!
hahahahhahahahahaha
Well played, Boom. They were out for blood alright!
Oh yeah, no prisoners!
Nope... I got nothin! LOLz!
My poor nub nubs :0D
This is quite enjoyable post dear. I love these funny short blog posts very much.
Why thank you! I like a blog post it must be said.
LOL Sounds like good fodder for another episode of Estro-Jenny and Testos-Tyrone. Don't worry, I'm on it.... 😃
Lol, sounds fascinating!!!
Bad luck my man 😂
Get in the queue buddy, and be prepared to wait a while!
I think I will be waiting a long long time!! :0D
I'm sorry. I laughed. Big time. You were so deep in doodle there, and all I could do was laugh. Bwahahahaha!
I totally was in that deep doo!
This is the common answer I have heard when discussing nipples near the end of nursing.
Lol, that will be them. It won't be long!
It won't be too long I am sure!
You have the power to tell your every day life like a sit-com and I think it's really a great power :D I love to read your "adventures", even if maybe they are not so funny to live ^_^
Why thank you lass, it must be my outlook on life! :0D I love telling them!
the birth of a child is a very intense and hard moment in the life of a man. I mean, not just THAT moment, but a larger period around the birth.
including situations like the one you just lived. :D
I completely agree, I can't believe we are still talking about it hehe
Hmm, that does sound like a loaded question. Really, how could you know if the person wasn't coming out of you? I'm on your side with this one for sure Boom.
Totally, I mean I wasn't straining and pushing and stuff. I was just standing about looking all manly ;0)
😂 you got away safely to your happy place
Still there dude ;0)
I remember those cracked and bleeding nipple days "OUCHY"
Shes only at the start, they are like hat pegs just now :O)
Yeah Its horrible and very uncomfortable
And "chanting" a properly rythmed LALALALALALA while fingers lock your ears is normally recommended - Dr's orders
Thats a wise doctor!
I must admit that the story made me laugh a lot.
I wish you a beautiful dayyou are great dear friend @meesterboom, I love how you handle everyday situations, I admire the character you have, bad weather good face.
Always glad to raise a giggle @jlufer. All the best to you :0)
Maybe by christmas you will have all your toys back. Really hope so for your sake.
I doubt it, I suspect those toys will be gone for a couple of years!
Arguably the best conversation starter today. This might be a hot take, but I'm predicting that by 2019, this would really give the outdated Good [Morning/Afternoon/Evening] a run for their money.
I imagine the situation you found yourself in is akin to walking on thin ice, dude. I feel you. Know that you are not alone, brother. You are in my thoughts.
Quite possibly the best exit imaginable. I think I've used that once or twice before. It really does do miracles haha!
It so does. It's like the ultimate get out of jail free card. I do wish they would move on a bit. I find myself at a loss when they expect me to pontificate on the ordeal. I am likemeh, done now
I look forward to the day we get each other thus!
Blame it on the spiritual aspect of it. A Doula's job is never done after all. When it say post-maternity, what it really means is "for life" haha! They can smell the meh and their bodies immediately exude no no no no, you are not done
I think it is for eternity! I shall never be rid of this doula thing!!!
One might think that the doula is conspiring to get rid of you. It has already embedded itself into your family, and since your job of helping birth the once and future God-Empress and The Mountain, your days might be numbered, dude. I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to do it.
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Lol, you just have to be the support team on this one!
I know, sigh
Good save there.....
I am the master of the save!
good post friends, good luck always my friend
Yet no vote? A man makes his own luck...
This is quite enjoyable post dear
Then you have my permission to vote on it my dear!. Otherwise ...
You want to play with the purple monkey then?