Are you ready?
Asked Quimfrey the soft skills trainer.
I looked at him with some distaste. I had never been a big fan of soft skills training because it tends to be a load of made-up shite and today's Leadership one was proving to be no exception.
I gave a grudging nod and reached forward and took three of the cards from Quimfrey's pile.
He smiled in a way that suggested he would be more comfortable locked naked in a room full of old worn socks than in a room full of belligerent IT professionals who were still shaking off the remnants of a weekend hangover.
The other unlucky trainees in the room also partook in selecting some cards from Quimfrey's deck.
Quimfrey beamed happily at us.
Now, I would like you to turn your cards over and arrange them as the top card being that which you have lots of, the middle card as one in which you could do with more of and put as the last card that which you feel could be used to improve the first two.
He audibly clucked with contentment and leaned back in his chair and gazed at us intently, waiting for our moves.
I flipped my cards over and stared at them with a loose kind of horror. They were animals. Not even amazing animals like lions, crocodiles and the like but normal shit animals. I had:
Bat of Magic
Fox of Awareness
and...
Duck of Communication
A fucking duck? A duck? How is quacking associated with communication?!
I took a deep breath and mustered up every ounce of diplomacy I had.
Are these children's cards?
Quimfrey chuckled with delight like an elderly grandfather half an hour after taking a viagra.
Well, it is funny you should say that! This...
He waved at a velvety-looking bag that no doubt at the weekend contained cable ties and duct tape.
is often known as a kit bag and we can use it in many circumstances. Including working with children.
He smiled condescendingly and tugged at his neckerchief.
I looked over at my colleagues all of whom were trying to sort out their cards into something that they thought might help them escape the fuck out of this room.
My mate Kipper looked particularly intense as he swithered over placing the Dog of Understanding or the Heron of Patience at the top of his selection.
I had been in many training sessions in my life but this was taking the fucking piss.
Ahhhh, the Duck of Communication...
I twirled the card of said duck in my fingers and tittered.
Have you ever heard of the infamous quank?
Quimfrey's smile dropped ever so slightly and he raised an eyebrow.
I beg your pardon?
His voice wavered up and down as if bobbing in the sea after a shipwreck.
A quank. Surely you have heard of it?
I hoped he hadn't heard of it as I was making it up.
Um, no. I haven't heard of this. It sounds a little... rude?
Quimfrey's cheeks flushed slightly as if saying the word rude was in itself rude.
It is a little rude! In fact, it is terribly rude! Shall I tell you?
I placed my hands flat on the table and leaned forward over the cards of power.
No thank you.
Quimfrey tugged harder at his neckerchief as if it could save him from the coming storm.
It is the age-old act of using a duck to masturbate yourself!
I clapped my hands together and let out a belly laugh.
Quimfrey quivered like the rear end of a cat when marking something with its arse glands.
You can step out of this exercise if you like, no one is making you do it.
His voice was soft like the underside of a duck that you would use in a quanking situation.
I slowly stood and tried my best to look abashed.
Yes, I think that might be best.
I tried not to click my heels on the way out but failed.
Next time something like this comes up: arrive late, carry a clipboard with plenty of pages to flip through, head straight for a corner and sit behind everyone, then the instant the Quimfrey makes eye contact you start nodding in the direct of 'no' and point at your clipboard with a pen.
From there he thinks you're evaluating. Now you're in charge.
Haha, you know that is something that appeals to me. I world probably do it if I didn't think I would get rumbled by one of the smeggy jobsworths that know me!
Just be prepared to do the same thing when they make eye contact. Then after if questioned simply point out the fact you were a bit late, showed up, and for some strange reason they ignored your ass. Or say you thought it was part of the exercise. Keep in mind they've all just been conditioned to be really nice to you.
They have that conditioning alright. It's part of the reason I sometimes do what I want because I know that they can't do much is it is within reasonable bounds. Will, I will say that right up until they fire my ass!
If they fire you, simply flash your Walrus of War Cries card.
I will have to get me a deck of cards that Ican use in every situation. Like a Superhero of emotion!
This is starting to sound like Splinterlands Office Edition.
Okay... Mr uncle sir! I started using hive.vote... So follow some curation trails...
I noticed downvote trail there... And I know you do downvote plagiarism and stuff... So I have a question...
Do I choose
Or
I would prefer to give the same downvote as you.... Etc if you give a 10% downvote. I would like mine to give a 10% as well...
I am assuming I should choose the scaling option?
Aloha!
Yes, that would be the scale voting weight option it is the best one to make sure you never run out as you might if you have a fixed percentage and someone cat a ten percenter and you were fixed at 50 it similar.
I would be honoured if you joined my trail!
Okay... So it's set... Well I did seem to set it last night...
Funny.. I cant even remember that 😂..
However.. I should be following you now because I see some of my downvoting mana is used....
Is there somewhere I can see who is downvoted or not really 😂.. Mehh probably doesn't matter.. I know your downvotes are real and not of spite.. Soooooo yeha
When I read quank I thought it was short for having a quick wank.
The Bat and Fox cards sound quite interesting though. And ducks, well they just quack a lot. Guess that would have been the last in the line-up.
Communication, very important in any (work) relation. For it to last, keep it to an absolute minimum. The lesser the better.
Imagine what could be done with the Bat of Magic. Somehow it reminds me of a Meatloaf song. 🤔
Hahahahah, I never thought of that. The phrase now has so much utility! I should create a coin for it!
I was really surprised at the Bat of Magic. I mean, I could understand all of the rest of them as they were all the usual nonsense cards but magic? In work, that is just bizarre.
I was humming that particular song in my head as soon as I saw it! Even though the picture was an insipid thing!
There's Oxford Dictionary material in that word! It'll be fun to look up rude words again, even under the 'Q'!
Quank - Having a quick wank. [Verb] Or a person who tries to cut corners, skip steps, to reach a goal faster. [Noun]
Quanking - The act of having a quick wank. F.E. "He had a quank before he wend to work this morning." [Verb] Also when a person tries to cheat, cut corners, to get somewhere before others do. F.E. "Yeah right, he won by quanking Mate, it's bleedin obvious innit." [Verb]
It does have potential! 😁👍
And just because it rocks so well:
Ha, I just watched that all the way through. They were never totally my cup of tea but I do like a good live performance and that was a cracker! Must have been quite a gig to go to back in the day.
I think you have defined quank and quankery above better than I could! :O)
My musical preference is defined by how a band its performance holds up on a live stage. Eddy (may he rest in peace) was not at his best in range of voices in this clip. And that is where the whole band shows its strength. It's a blast from the past.
Though I do appreciate a high pitched old school hardrock / heavy-metal now and then myself also.
"Run to da hillllll --- Run for your li-Hiveeee" (See what I did there...? 😁)
Man, if we could make a dictionary extraordinary, now that would be a blast. It would be amongst the forbidden books! (Yet, the better the sales.)🤪
Somehow I can hear JLP now stating something. 🚀
I see what you did there!
I am similar. I have my tastes but I really appreciate a good live performance. It is when you see a band come together and make some magic.
Will we ever see such musical greatness again? Or as one of my friends once put it are we too old to appreciate what currently passes for music?! Yeek, that's whole other subject!
!ENGAGE
Not long ago I talked about this subject with a good friend of mine. How we apparently tend to become more conservative the older we get. And as such we kind of get stuck in what we perceive as really original and the best in music.
So we wont be able to 'enjoy' what the younger generation feel like it is awesome. At least some scientific research seemed to have come to that conclusion.
It had us locked in silence for a while.
"So, you're telling me that those who are young now, one day, somewhere being in their golden ages, will get all happy about some 'bong bong tik tak dingelong dong' crap, as we are about 'Lakeshore Drive', 'Painkiller' or 'Bohemian Rapsody'... !?", My Mate asked in disbelief.
And while I shook my head I replied: "Of course not! That shait wont last. In time they will discover what real music is like. And that will last!"
Then we popped another cap and reminded ourselves again how we really had become the grumpy men we vowed we would never become.
Anyway: "Keep on rocking in the free world!" 🎸
You need to have 1000 ENGAGE, in order to use this service.
Haha! OMG! Not that I did, but it was sure darn funny!
It deserves to be in the upcoming Oxford Dictionary update! If only just for laughs. 😄
"I hoped he hadn't heard of it as I was making it up."
That made me laugh. Good thing he wasn't an "equal" and thought to pretend he already knew.
I'm just positive the rest of the class was envious that you were able to leave the class early.
It was such a weird informal thing. One of the guys there came out early too as he claimed to have work going on. lol.
I do like an inspirational suddenly made up word pop into my head!
LOL ! @ "he claimed to have work going on" Novel thought, to tell the truth and walk away.
I can't remember the number of times I've endured nonsense like this for my various jobs and sat there wondering how much my company spent on it all..... and how every penny of it was totally wasted.
No pay raise...What ?? Since covid started and "the people" have decided they no longer want to work for a living...LOL...our company fell in with the notion that all new workers would start at the coveted $15.00 per hour. In a very large meeting, another worker had asked the "Big Wheels" if the rest of the wages for the employees already there would go up accordingly and you can only guess that the answer was .... no.... but they hoped that would not make people feel diminished.... which of course it did. I don't think anybody really thought the answer might be YES instead, but it still had to be asked.
Now the rest of the people don't want to work for them either !
These questions always have to be asked because half the time they bank on no one asking them!
We got a really good rise last year but it was essentially to stop the brain drain because we hadn't had rises for quite some time or if we had they had been rubbish. It is so typical of them to now think, oh well that is them sorted, doh!
I have encountered such nonsense so many times. From tiny gatherings to corporate level things and each time they have been a phenomenal waste of time! They never learn but then I kinda think they like justifying the spend on improving the workforce even tho no one wants it!
If it actually improved the workforce and made people somehow more productive, then it would be more understandable. Maybe the company gets some sort of Brownie Points to show on their record that they offered such "training". All the while, those folks that present these programs are laughing all the way to the bank as they congratulate themselves for making all that money for their con job.
They should carry out some measurements and see what impact they have relative to the expenditure. Or then again maybe they don't for precisely that reason! Lol!
I am now looking forward to hearing about your next appraisement lol
I struggled to cope with this sort of bollocks in the 90s when I actually worked (ish) for a living.
Companies pay wages for their staff to attend this stuff? And pay some ridiculous amount of money for the training too!
How do you even measure it's value to the staff ?
It's no workplace for old men.
If your bosses fall for this sort of crap, suggest you get @slobberchops in with Magic gathering thingy cards, at least you could have a laugh.
Nice to see you refreshed and on point after your holiday :-)
Well its funny you mention appraisal because we got told we weren't getting a rise this year because all the funds were going to the lower paid in the company to get the up to the living wage, They said they were sure we would understand. I am fucking LIVID!
Hencs my work behaviour might be a bit worse than usual. lol.
My bosses are sooo into this shit. We have had some ridiculous things in the past and this was just the latest in a line of shit!
It took me a while to get out of my post holiday funk :OD
I was going to say exactly that! They find money for this shit and then claim they have no money for pay rises.
Some things never change.
They never do. I am like, hey, what about all the money yousaved closing two of our other offices down because you don't need the space anymore, it is not as if that would have been pennies!
Bawahhahaha! Quanking legendary!
These things are often more a water of time than not. And although, some of them are cool. HR should screen these things before they actually book them. But some quank prob found it useful so makes everyone else do it too!
Call it cynical response. I call it possessing a healthy amount of common senese!
I'm also in love with the word quank! Quanker, quanking! My new favourite!
I will have to submit it to the Urban Dictionary as I believe it is only there in reference to an animal noise!
HR should definitely screen these things. I remember before lockdown we went on a management course which essentially had us standing in a fake assembly line building toys for the whole day!
It was a load of quank! :OD
Sorry I spoiled the glorious sum of 420 upvotes. Can I offer !PIZZA as recompense?
Why can't these
quacksquankers at least have something fun, like Pokemon cards or those playing cards with attractive women in a state of undress? I suppose the latter would be well outside the proper sphere of what they deem soft skills though. And cause for summary dismissal from employment.Damn it man, that number was perfect!
It would be nice if they had a good Pokemon deck or something with some pizazz. The deck he had looked as if it had been illustrated by someone with consumption!
Oh, my! You did not!
Oh, but, you did. He should have asked for a demo. For educational purposes only. You are such a bad boy. But one with a great imagination. Good thing the cards weren't MAGIC ones, yes?
I have never liked those exercises. Every company including government agencies have them. I have never seen one that did anything positive or said anything that wasn't known. What a waste of time and money. They would have gotten a better approval rate by throwing a BBQ and serving bad beer.
Hehe, I had to. It was madness. Child illustrations on crap cards. Oh the humanity.
I am the same, I have never heard of anyone getting anything from any of these things that they have actually used on a continual basis. Almost as soon as the the person says this will be something for your toolkit you can bet it won't be!
And a Quank lolol...what in the world. Mysterious world we live in haha.
I shall be a fine womans Quank...AND THAT IS ALL
You mystify with your stories Boom, keep it up. I knew something was up when i saw a gaggle of ducks on your thumby 😆
!PIMP
When I read that part of the post, I immediately thought about you. I almost laughed, and I thought about tagging you in a comment, but now, as I scrolled down to the comments, I see that you already saw the post.
You must be killin' it out here!
1.000 PIMP@captainquack22 just slapped you with , @meesterboom.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/1 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
Those are very special ducks on the thumby!! :OD
A quank, it just came to me, ahem. Not like that though. LOL!
You're pimpin!! I have to get into some of that action
Oops, Ireplied to the wrong comment!
Those are very special ducks on the thumby!! :OD
A quank, it just came to me, ahem. Not like that though. LOL!
You're pimpin!! I have to get into some of that action
So many ducks in your post image, eager to be utilised for quank duties. They look familiar, like someone I've seen before.
I think that into every life a familiar duck must fall 🤣🤣
The only thing worse than that is training from a company director who has been trained by such a trainer. 😅 Why did I mention that? Because I've seen it... And you can't get up and leave without losing your job. My thoughts at this point: Am I being paid as much as he is stupid? Hmm, or am I the dumb one here...? 😅 !LOLZ
Haha, that would be a frightening thing to witness. I hate it when company directors or members of the board are on the same training let alone giving it. We had the chief exec in one session once and he was a twot but we had to pretend he was great :OD
😅 !LOLZ God, I imagine this performance...
It was a powerful thing :OD
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I guess that's one way to get out of a useless meeting 🤣 What might the bat have been for?!?! Halloween?
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
The bat was funny. They were all quite funny but the bat especially so. A bat of magic. I mean how can that be something that you have lots of unless you are a wizard by trade!
!LOL
That's what I was wondering! I didn't know IT professionals worked with bats, magical or otherwise 🤣
!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL
If only we did the IT life might be a bit more interesting!! Bring on the bats!!
Maybe it's time to replace the kid's deck with a magical deck 🤣
!LOL
We could all get into a game like that!
!PIZZA
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Duck of Communication?! So funny! Classes like this are one of the many things about corporate life that I was happy to say goodbye to. During a "restructuring" a few years before I stepped away we were put through a months' long series of classes like this, many of which had a psychologist off in the corner of the room taking notes the entire time. At the end we had to present in front of the new CEO and his new management team about what we learned. They sprung this little task on us just minutes before we had to do it. I think sometimes they just like to exert their power and revel in peoples' discomfort.
I think that is indeed what they like to do. I am convinced that they like to gauge everyone on their participation in the nonsensery. I can hardly see the upper management types doing these kind of courses.
Although now that I say that I can think that is probably exactly how they like to spend their time, hiding away from the true issues at hand! You are well out of it!
For sure! In most organizations, corporate management is a case study in varying degrees of mental illness and dysfunction. Now that I'm out I often think about how preposterous it was. I had one director who actually told me she was a "pottery whore" while we were in line waiting for the microwave. She must've read the dismay on my face and quickly added, "I can't go past a pottery shop without stopping in." There was also a mid-level manager who hid a bottle of vodka in her drawer and was visibly drunk more often than not. Management knew but did nothing because she'd been there so long she had knowledge that no one else did. I could go on. Hmm, I think this is a good idea for a blog post. : )
We have had drunks! In fact they have proved to be the ones that are the hardest to get rid of. Mainly because they were old timers like you say with a wealth of knowledge and also because our HR has to pussy foot around people with issues because they have gotten into trouble before from not following process and just kicking them out!
I think that is a very good idea for a blog post!
You were extremely rude to this nice instructor.
!LOLZ
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I know, he was a very nice chap too!! :OD
One of the reasons why I haven't been a 'permy' this century. I remember the role-playing nonsense and terrible weekend sales tales from the ladies.
'Come over here girl, bend over and you will gain a promotion' - Director of Sales.
I know it happened, my ex told me stories.
Did you see that in the budget ole Kamikwai reversed the IR35 nonsense to take the onus of the employer and put it back on the contractor? Some of my mates are looking forward to that!
I think it is why my career is happily stalled because I gave up giving a fucking hoot about seven years ago.
I did see it.., but alas I am nearing the end of my working career and can't seem to land a contract. Unemployment at it's lowest my arse. Could be a little late for me.
Aw thats pants, then again it gives you the chance to expand your crypto empire and become a GOD among MEN! ;O)
Who you calling elderly grandfather?!
I've tried duck a handful of ways, never did anything for me. I'll try the office version next time I'm up for it.
Definitely try the office version. The downy bottom they call it in the northern hinterlands.
Not so elderly grandfather :OD
Hahaha to quote you...
"A fucking duck? A duck? How is quacking associated with communication?!"
Fucking laughable situation 😂😂😂..
Im a bit lost though... Exercise for what😂... What were you playing? Heartstone? 😂🤔
I supoort your decision off getting the fuck out of there 👍😂😂
If it was heartstone that would have been fun!
I think this was some weird exercise to get you to admit your weakness in some area, there would have been no chance of that with me as I admit my weaknesses to no one! lol!
Your blogs are amazing, i saw all your posts, I’m new here and trying to learn more. if you have some time please check out my content as well. I would really appreciate it.
Thank you very much. I shall take a look. :0)
Much appreciated buddy. Good to see you here. She is my sister and kinda new here. I am teaching her the spam free ways.your guidance also be super appreciated. 🙏😇
Spam free ways are the best way to go! Good on you
Always supporting spam free stuff here. Thanks for your understanding buddy. ❤️👍
No worries man!
and...
Duck of Communication
This shit made me rofl a lot! What in the actual fuck is a duck of communication anyhoo?
Oh jolly good old chap, I'm so glad that you escaped that one without being quanked yourself by sir Queefrey
Good lord, a quank being used offensively! I never even dared to think such horror.
I am very lucky indeed!! ;0D
I enjoyed this post immensely. I even sent it to a friend of mine for a laugh. I'm totally going to use your word and start calling moronic people quankers!
Haha, cheers lass!!
I have been calling people quankers too. It is almost innocent enough to get away with!!
Quanking? I tried that once and it's really messy...now every time I walk I quack like a duck hahaa...
At least you havent started popping out them eggs! :OD !LOL
lol with the price of eggs these days it's kind of a shame lol
Hahaha, yes, a crying shame indeed. They are up like everything else!
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Soft skills? What dumbass committee came up with that I wonder? And the cards...I think these jobs are dreamt up by the short bus kids of important people. Makes me think of Bonnie Prince Stewart in Outlander, complete moron but a prince so...lol!
That is the big problem. The big cheeses all are privately educated rich morons who obviously lap all this shit up!
Oh to be rich and moronic, hehe
*Bat of Magic
Fox of Awareness
and...
Duck of Communication*
Oh please tell me there was a
Bag of Dicks also
Brought to you by dicksbymail.com
If there was a bag of dicks I would have claimed that one and been King of the Room!! :OD
!LOL
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I attended one session where I arranged it such that I was labelled a chameleon coloured unicorn. I then proceeded to ask the 'instructor' what this could mean?
Not surprisingly, no-one had ever arrived at that label. He then spent about an hour trying to define a chameleon coloured unicorn.
I never thought about simply getting up and just leaving...
Well played!!!
I see you have experienced exactly the same kind of nonsense!!
Yes, these things are messed up. I never used to be able to leave in a whim but now I can claim all sorts of delivery emergencies if questioned!
A part of me feels bad for Quimfrey. Poor guy is just trying to do his job...
🤣
Sometimes you just find yourself in the wrong job wondering where it all went wrong. I guess that might hold for both him and I! :OD
Hahah I'm sure everyone thinks that at some point. I went back to university to change careers for that reason lol
I should have done that many years ago. Or stuck with the sideline that I was doing instead of ending up on this hell path :OD
The Quimfreys are thriving on LinkedIn these days with their daily motivational memes while in reality they crank into a sock. Like what I did there? Cry and wank. Hahahahahaha.
I like what you did there!! Hahaha, a crank indeed!
Yeah, it is sneaking into the workplace and no mistake. Next thing they will be making us d yoga!
I think the duck could have been placed last, well, according to what I read you were not comfortable with the cards you got and when you finished you got out of there, with some noise but you got out, it will be next time and I hope you get the lion card :)
I would have placed the duck out of the window for its insolence!
Now, if it had been the lion card I would have been a happy man! :OD
I'd say maybe you need @tarazkp to do all the soft skills training over there but that sounds like it could be dangerous (for everyone else XD).
I'm now stuck with the mental image of you heel clicking just inside or outside the door and I can't laugh everyone else is asleep I'm choking.
I bet ole Taraz does a mean training and I bet it isn't nonsense with cards and sticks and pretending to be animals!
I life a good heel click! :0D
I really appreciate you bcz I have seen all your posts and they all were amazing literally.....loved it
Thank you.
I must say though, if you like something you should vote on it. Otherwise you will get a rep for being a spammer.
This doesn't look good
Sir I am new here and I don't know about everything here so what can I do in this case
If you like something vote for it and don't bother with excuses as to why you haven't. If you don't vote but comment saying you like it people will just assume you are a comment farmer looking for votes
I am really sorry for this mistake.
I will not do this types of things from next time..
I am really sorry for that
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quak 😉
For a moment, I thought it was a poem but came to understand that you are trying to pass a message on what you i must say it's a mystical story but also has a point.
A fucking duck? A duck? How is quacking associated with communication?!
Messaged passed here,LoL it is very funny but to be honest the world we live in now is very weird but we are going to survive it.
It is a tricky thing as too how we will survive these days of madness!
I am glad you found out it wasn't a poem 😀
To be honest these days are really crazy like full of madness, Things that happen these days are weird but may God deliver us and yes i am glad too.
Being glad for what we have is half the battle!
Wow this is a very deep!!! Word.
Ahem, yes, deep is almost exactly how I describe my stuff :O)
I believe