Steaming

in #life7 years ago

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I pushed open the living room door having just returned from getting some supplies at the shops. I marched in with my many bags and stopped in my tracks.

My good lady was sipping tea on the couch with our Doula. I had not been aware that we were due any visitors this afternoon and was somewhat taken aback.

Doula.

I greeted her curtly.

Daddy.

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I made a cat drinking vinegar face. The only ladies I liked calling me Daddy were the ones in my family and the nubile ones in the LA mansion of my fevered dreams.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

I enquired.

The Doula smiled, a secret smile of devilry and midnight rituals.

Just a little visit before the big event.

She replied airily.

Oh yes, the big event. I knew all about that, in little less than two weeks my good lady was going to be wheeked off to a red tent in a remote country location and be inducted into the Doula-hood. My only hope is that they would send back the same person and not some blonde, fake-breasted BoomDawg assassin.

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Oh right then, I shall make myself a coffee and let you Doulas get on with it.

I made my coffee strong enough to kill a horse in case the Doula planned on staying a while.

Once it was ready, I came back into the living room and sat down at the table a little ways away to give them some privacy.

I logged onto steemit and was having a browse with my coffee when the good lady interrupted.

Daddy... Do we have any Rosemary in the garden?

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We sure do my little potato pie.

The good lady turned to the Doula.

How much do I need?

Just a few sprigs will be fine.

The Doula said with her Doula smile of Doula-ness.

I looked at the two of them with some distrust. You can be guaranteed that when a Doula starts enquiring after your herb store that they ain't planning on roasting you a nice chicken.

I will go and get you some, what do you need it for?

The good lady looked a little furtive and looked to the Doula. She didn't look furtive at all. In fact, she suddenly seemed to inflate and her voice boomed ever so loudly.

For the Yoni steaming of course.

I looked all Hugh Grant at his peak.

Yoni what?

The Doula looked me square in the eye, her voice now thrown at me like a challenge.

Yoni is the ancient art of vaginal steaming!

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At this point, I would like to say that I fainted. But I didn't. Nor did I spit my coffee over the pair of heathens. Instead, I nodded calmly as if being given the recipe for a good apple pie.

Ah yes, of course.

I nodded.

Vaginal steaming? Are all Doulas this mental? Has the world gone mad? This cannot be a thing? Does she really want me to snip some rosemary cuttings off so she can throw them in a bucket of hot water and let it waft up her bajinash?!?

I continued nodding like one of those toy dogs in cars, as they carried on their discussion.

Was this what being married to a Doula was going to be like? Every weekend a horde of hormone-crazed women descending on my garden and dragging their gallumphs over my herb patch and burying placentas in my flower beds?!?

Daddy? You with us?

I came to from my musings to see the pair of them observing me the way a hawk does a mouse.

I smiled.

Of course darling, let me hop out to the garden and get some of that rosemary right now!

Sort:  

lmao

chico
I read this just this morning offline
I didn't get to read last time and I loled a lot

they do this in the Phils too
but there, they use incense and some herbs I don't know of
hahaha

thanks! #til that they do it in there, too

edit : I can't forget the 'fake breasted ninja" lol

have you seen hers? so damn perfect hahaha
oh she knows am her fan :D that one should borrow those of @eveuncovered 's

I havent seen hers but guess where I am about to head now! lol

Hehe, I had never heard of such a thing. I was amazed!!

ahahaha
am dead to Mrs Boom
but hey what can I do
it's true
you'll love her :D

HAha, you are right there she is awfully pretty. Quite the ridiculously (in a good way) long legs!

I shant tell Mrs Boom!! :O)

hahaha
she is
very classy, too!
btw.. am still hetero
just not blind to spot the naturally beautiful!

Nothing wrong with a bit of hetero appreciation. I do it with women all the time! :0D

Yoni is the ancient art of vaginal steaming!

And I kept reading after this bit.

Yeah, I did.

I am still reading, you know.

I can't stop.

A thousand years from now, the Cthulhu children that will take over the world will find my corpse, still reading, forever...

And they will stop and read what you are reading and a thousand years hence their children will come searching and find their parent things reading and will stop to see what they are reading and in a thousand years...

And with strange aeons...

Oh, my, goodness! I don't think I want to know what happened after you got the rosemary from the garden! Living with a Doula could get mighty interesting, Mr.Boom! Prepare yourself!

I don't know if it's possible to prpare myelf for such horror. What if I come in one day and there is soup on the stove and yet it is not soup?!?!

xD I am wetting myself at this comment xD sooo funny! Just check the soup hasn't also been stired with a manly stick... so much hocus pocus! xD I will be giggling all day at this one...

Aaaahhh this is one that I thought I replied to the other day!! Steemit was being a bit funny and I am distressed to see my comment isn't there!!

It is a funny one!

Whatever you do... DON'T EAT THE SOUP! 🤣Or anything else you find lying unattended on the counter for that matter.

I'll tell you a bit about my father. He was always sneaking a taste of this or that in the kitchen, even when visiting others. He'd been warned by my mother repeatedly that it was rude as well as dangerous! He had eaten up his grand-daughters' treats and been chastised by the young ladies and myself and my mother, but it was no use.

Finally the day came where he walked up to my mother with a glass of wine in one hand and what looked like a chocolate granola morsel in the other. Chewing with a look that seemed more concerned than indulging he asked in his broken English, "Hey Sweetie! What kind of cookie is this?"

My poor mom was bursting with laughter and barely choked out, "A dog treat, dear!"

Luckily for you I have a little Doula Removal Company on the side (Terms reasonably negotiated)!

This sounds ike the A-Team, oh yeah, if I need help I am going down to that little laundry in Chinatown!

Mmmm mmm, rosemary infused vag. Sounds great!

Is a Doula a midwife? Or do they do some other function?
It's so odd that she calls you Daddy... I can understand if she was cooing to a newborn while passing them to the father, but without a newborn in tow it's pretty sexual. These days anyway.

Ah... so... time for a mancave?

Always time for the ManCave when the Doula comes calling!

I think she calls me it because she was the Doula at our birth just there and there was lots of Daddy this and Daddy that. I am sure she doesnt want a quick goose of my Ronald Perkins.. I hope not!

They are like midwife support. They are trained but not professionally to a qualification. Its all very woman empowering and earth spirity stuff. She was very good at our birth right enough so the good lady loves her.

Ah, okay... it all sounds great. I guess whatever works.

So, the main question that we all have from your post is, should we be calling you Daddy? Is that why you specified only particular ladies should use the term. Us dudes have open reign right?

As long as you promise me that you don't have your lad in your hand when you call me Daddy you have free reign to do so!!

Actually, that would be horrifying. Lad or no lad :0p

Hahahahhahahahahaha.... well that spiraled out of control quickly... hahaha, sorry to put you through that, it's good to test the Boom Boundaries every now and then...

Yes Daddy...

;OD

lmfao xD and it all suddenly makes sense! that reminds me, I must start getting my spring seeds ready...

Haha, a splendid reminder!!!!

Have to remind me of some of the statue where the man was wearing only a leaf.

Hopefully not a rosemary leaf :0D

Even a baby needs more than that for sure

I was reading your article and I had the same thought that rosemary was for cooking. My wife likes to use it for cooking. I really didn't expect otherwise for the private use with other special purpose. Really not a thing for guys to know especially you must have felt awkward with visitors around. Upvoting and following closely for more of your daily articles for a bit of humour for my boring life.

It might make all guys think twice before touching any stray herbs in the kitchen!!

RoFL! The doula smile of doula-ness XD

Also even though you're a superb earth-daddy I'm not sure you're hiding some of your internal panic attacks as well as you think you are, and the good lady sees and knows and is having way too much fun with it ;D

And yes yoni steaming is apparently a thing. A friend had an interesting story to tell me about that, and me doing an awesome job of pretending to be a friendly and open-minded person, I managed several interested acknowledgemental sounds and not much else XD

goatsig

No, you have had at least some experience with it! I mean I like to think I am a worldly person but the doula stuff is a mine is material for me lol!!!

Whaaaat - Hu uh no steam for me thank you - O my this doula thing must be haunting you but I am thankful for it , just something else that can entertain us while you suffer through it - Meesterboom you are legend....

Steemy Windows!! That's the song that keeps running through my head!

Soooooo funny -

Then I started reading this post last night but the headache that stormed me was strong enough to pull down a mountain... I couldn't finish it so I had to get off and return with my mind in one piece....
So here comes one of my favorite Steemit writer, my mentor 😂😂😒😒

OK let me get off and talk about the post...

I continued nodding like one of those toy dogs in cars, as they carried on their discussion.

Was this what being married to a Doula was going to be like? Every weekend a horde of hormone-crazed women descending on my garden and dragging their gallumphs over my herb patch and burying placentas in my flower beds?!?

and this part 😂😂😂😂😂😂 shows how frequent your garden has been oppressed.

Why not just say NO!!!

I could say no.... Or I could say yes and embrace the madness!!!

Emmmm... Good luck with the madness bro. See you in the street.
Besides, I sell rags. Incase you want a good costume, have got some that would suit a mad state.

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

Vaginal steaming

This made my morning
😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
I hope you always have such amusing stuff on your blog.

I often do!

I'll keep following your posts then cause this one and the other one about the Doctor was just hilarious

I have no words again...I do think that you might want to start mixing your own herbs to protect yourself before they start doing some ancient art steaming on you...

Bahookie steaming!!! Oh no!! Say it isnt so!!

This may change my mind about rosemary for ever!

I'll tell you, I had no idea the doula trade was so into 'woo' potion. I must say tho, you are being quite patient.

I am astonished my by patience but it must be said at the same time I am loving the wealth of stuff it gives me to write about!!

DO you tease the lovely lady about all the woo? Does she read the steemit stories about it?!! I would assume she has a sense of humor too :-) and doesn't mind the mild teasing.

There is a new store in our town, the perfect corner location where everyone is bound to walk by. New owners started a 'woo' store. No joke; there are tons of tincture bottles on tons of shelves in the windows. Scares me, but also makes me wonder about how popular woo is. I guess time will tell!

I bet it is really popular!! It surprised me how popular it is here!

That's the fantastic thing about the good lady, I get her to read most of my posts too see if she laughs and she always finds them quite hilarious although sometimes she does roll her eyes a bit at my descriptions :0)

sounds like she and I would get along great ;0)

I have every suspicion that you both would!

I did not believe a word of it, yet I kept reading, worse still I bloody well upvoted it. :-)

Hahaa!!! Serves you right!! :OD

You just need some parsley, sage and thyme to add to the Yoni. If you're going down their, might as well get some chicken soup out of the deal, good for the soul😝

MAy as well get dinner out of it! :OD

One minute your picking a packet of biscuits for a cuppa, the next you're picking some herbs for your Douala's hoo haa steaming sesh.

It's all go in this household!

Congratulations! Having another baby then? Or is this Doula for post birth assistance? I don't know anyone here in SA who has hired a Doula, sounds like a very useful profession.

No more children!

This Doula is my wife's mentor because she is now on the road to becoming a Doula. I think they are great!

Awesome-sounding profession. I think Doulas could be extremely useful in our country where lots of people are ignorant about what is involved in having a child, from the prenatal care to postnatal. I'm going to look it up, maybe there are courses here, although it must be called something else.

You should look it up, I think it is a worldwide thing it is just that lots of people have never heard of it. I had never imagined sich a thing until last year!

steaming is verrrry necessary. coughs

You mean you have heard of this fetid madness?!

Of course, this and many more. I'll spare you the details. LOL

Well I am glad that someone else has heard about it!

hmmmmmm Vaginal steaming you say? Well, I would imagine it would have quite the health benefits. How is it that women get all the good stuff? I have never heard of a good Steam for your junk. lol

You might have a point there, what's sauce for the goose and all that. Soon I might have nethers that smell like a summers breeze!

Explain the process of vaginal steaming please. Nice write up boss, am learning your prose skills

I dont think I want to know the details! ;O)

I think I don't have the stomach even for writing a comment here. I could hardly read all of it. :D

I feel exactly the same!!!!

Yoni steaming? How have I never heard of this? I read the link ... and ... um ... I think I'll just leave that for the Doulas ....

I could hardly believe it when I googled it afterward. I mean you really couldnt make it up. It;s fantastic in a way lol!!!

Oh oh MR.B is doula also on steemit ?

Lol, most definitely not!!!

Thank god

Where do you come up with this stuff?? I thought I saw some "phalic" type pictures in your first drawing but of the female type? Subliminal messages!! in deed. Rosemary, what about Thyme?

Well done for spotting the images in the steem!!!

The horrifying thing is, even I could not make this up. Although I have added my own humorous twist to it this is based on actual events from this afternoon!

Then all I can say is I’m glad I’m not you!! Vaginal steaming? Hope you spend a goodly time in the herb garden, maybe enjoying a beer?

I will be hiding in the garage enjoying one!

Will we see it this weekend? I just had a wonderful coconut chocolate porter last night and it was good

Well I'd rather have a steaming cup of coffee..... but I might have felt different in my younger days.

I think sticking with the coffee might be best!

I was always grateful to be born a man, now with this steamed Yoni, I ended up convincing that it was the best thing that has happened to me, luckily we do not have these types of steam for our intimate parts

I wish you a wonderful week Thank you very much dear friend @meesterboom for sharing your experience in having Doulas in your home

Will you never know, I am always one for a bit of experimentation. I will let you know how it goes in car you fancy a bit! ;0)

Having a Doula wife in the family, man you are stuck in it for life, am sure very soon your garden will begin to ask serious questions because of the continuous shortage of the rosemary,........this could be fun sometimes, just enjoy the moments.

I will have to get a bigger garden lol!

I'd like to say I've left a few vaginas steaming over the years, and there wasn't any rosemary involved. I'd like to, but I'd be lying. Well, rosemary, not just for the spice rack anymore, I see.

Perhaps rosemary is the new Hai Karate! :0D

I didn't know such as a practice exists and I burst out laughing when I clicked the link on Yoni Steaming. I think the benefits of vaginal steaming far outweigh the weirdness that you see here. So don't worry, Meesterboom. Upvoted!

Add long as there are benefits then it can't be all bad hehe

Oh good grief! The doula sounds frightening. Rosemary? Gosh I sure hope the steaming of the lady parts went okay . I'm definitely stymied, midnight rituals huh?

I'm stymied. I am not going to ask if the steaming ever takes place. I am however going to ensure that any rosemary we use in our cooking is plucked straight from the bush!

Soooooooo funny. Now if you have Rosemary infused potatoes for dinner, beware 😏
I wonder why Rosemary though? Love doulas, congratulations to your wife

I think its something to do with aromatic herbs. Rosemary grows like nobodys business here too and survives everything winter throws at it!

Good to know, thanks, an herb garden is on my to do list for this summer

@meesterboom, observe this definition of yoni steaming: "is an opportunity to reconnect with your body and use the wisdom of plant medicine to heal your cycle"; then we must understand that just as any machine or vehicle needs its maintenance and oil change, our Good Ladies also require it. The machinery has to be well oiled. So, do not worry, but rather be happy because the machinery will be ready. Greetings.

Hehe, yes, it all sounds good on paper :0)

Bunga yang sangat bagus satu ke indahan alam dan dunia sukses selalu buat Anda.

Literal translation, "The flower is good in nature and a successful world for you."

OH thats quite nice!

Alrighty then!

Good post. Say kembali lagi upvote dan berkomentar di blog anda @meesterboom

anda blog di! :O)

Upvote coment blog you.

I think we have reached an accord

Okay friends

Lol.... Nice story👍👍
Kudos @meesterboom

Hahaha this doula is your nemesis - but goodness they do have weird things going on

Where's the rest of the story.... And please tell me its fiction

That is the story and it's true!

Hmm, funny, trilling, romantic, sexy and interesting. You drove my almost confuse, haha. Like the piece, well done sir.

I am glad to have stirred an erection in you!