Today I met my good trader friend Philip. He is a very well respected fellow in the spice trade despite having only the one testicle. Heaven help him if he found himself having to shoot an albino fox with such a defective weapon but that is by the by.
We met at the club but Philip had something on his mind and suggested we walk and talk. There always has been something of the dandy about him, possibly his testicular lack?
We found ourselves on Oxford street among the common herd. I was smoking a particularly smooth tabac in my new pipe which was fashioned exclusively from the shin bone of an exhumed 18th Century German duke. I have affectionately dubbed it, The Bastard.
Philip was explaining to me how he was in a little difficulty with one of the maids in his house. He seemed a little angsty.
You know what it's like old fellow. At first I thought it was just the excitement of 'basting the beef' in a different oven you know?
I nodded and took an appreciative puff of The Bastard and dodged a fat fellow in a wig as we walked.
I exhaled grandly.
Of course old fellow. Let me guess and now the sleekit hussy is pressing you for something more permanent? Perhaps asking for the odd silver guinea?
Oh no old bean, it's not like that at all. It's a little more serious I am afraid...
I stopped dead in my tracks and took The Bastard from my mouth.
The hussy has a goose in the kennel?
Oh no, there is no goose in the kennel. I am afraid the failing is more on my part.
Doughnuts! Hot and tasty!
A young ragamuffin nearby shouted.
On your part? Nonsense. Have you tried giving her a damn good thrashing?
A thrashing, good lord no. It's... Well, its... I think I have fallen for her.
I stared at Philip. My cheek twitched quite uncontrollably.
You've fallen for her? A maid?
I took a long exasperated drag from The Bastard.
Doughnuts!
Shouted the ragamuffin only a few paces away.
Philip was blushing and no wonder, falling for a maid? This just wasn't gentlemanly. Yes, it's fine to park the pork bentley on Peasant Avenue but one must always be mindful of the meter.
Doughnuts, hot and.. yeeerk!
I grabbed the lapels of the doughnut selling ragamuffin and flung him and his tray of doughnuts under a passing bus.
The accompanying crump and scream was quite satisfying to the ear.
I placed an arm around Philip's shoulders, he flinched like a one testicled pig seeing the butchers block.
I am glad you came to me Pip. I can help you with this situation. Can I ask you... Do you trust me?
Yes old chap. I would trust you with my life.
I reached into my coat pocket and pulled forth a box from which I extricated two small pills.
Here. These were gifted me by a shaman I helped in the Americas. These will sort the problem out. You just have to trust me. You and your lady maid. Take these at the same time at midnight tonight. You will find the answer together.
I offered him a puff of The Bastard. He took it and breathed deep. I winked.
Don't worry old fellow.
But what do they do?
I patted him on the back and gave him a knowing smile.
Trust me old bean. Can you do that?
Of course old fellow. Thanks ever so much for this.
Philip gratefully tucked the little pills into a pocket.
Myself and an old friend Humphrey watched as the casket was lowered into the sodden hole in the ground.
Humphrey snorted through like walrus-like moustache.
Dreadful business this. Found with the maid they say. The maid! Seems that they took poison together.
I nodded, taking a solemn puff of The Bastard.
A dreadful business indeed. No way for a gentleman to go...
I leaned close to Humphrey and muttered in a conspiratorial tone.
Of course, you do know he only had one ball...
I supped a brandy by the fireside and pondered the folly of love. I felt relieved that I was able to help those young lovers and my thoughts turned to my fellow steemians.
Time to fire up the contrivance of circuitry and see what was waiting.
Spamfarmer1: Hey do you want to join a discord pump and dump group im in ? We are going to be doing a huge pump on bittrex tonight. Heres the group chat link
shitdiscordlink
Uncle Boom: I have an arse for a biscuit tin, would you like to reach in and grab one?
Spamfarmer1: ?
Uncle Boom: Fuck off shit cock.
Hmm, no response to my amazing 75% swear words sentence? Boo hiss.
Spamfarmer2: Hi I featured you in a post, would love to hear what you think. shitpostlink
Uncle Boom: I think that myself and the other hundred odd people you have tagged in your post think you are a dick.
Spamfarmer2: ok
Uncle Boom: Thank you.
Well, I do apologise my dear readers. There was difficulty getting the shitposters to engage this week. Most distressing.
Oh well. Remember, if you have a problem that requires a delicate advisement contact me on the interchats and remember...
I'm just glad I'd not taken a drink when I read that. I knew it was coming... but...
Excellent as ever!
You need to write a book, you really do... or at least collate these gems.
I really do, I was thinking of collating them somehow in the next couple of months or in the new year!
Glad ya liked it!
Always do!
:0)
Nice and interesting story. Thanks for sharing @meesterboom
You are welcome
" I have an arse for a biscuit tin, would you like to reach in and grab one? Your sayings are the fucking best ever. I am seriously going to start compiling this stuff. I gave the Uncle a tip of the hat in my green mushroom post...I'm not sure what put people off on that post? lol, stinkhorn.
Hehe, I do love coming up with a whacky phase. They just trip off the tongue! Ha, stinkhorn is it! Can't wait to see
I find it a little disturbing that you're involved in at least one casual murder a week.
On the other hand, this is fucking hilarious. 😭
It's not murder if they only have one testicle or are poor!! ;0)
Have you run your testicle theory past Lance Armstrong?
Scared to in case Uncle Boom kills him first
Well he's still rich according to the internet, so one thing probably cancels the other out and he's safe for now.
Ah rich!! Well that's alright then. That's a free pass right there!!
No one have a friend like your friend :p
He is very special!
Good stuff 👍
Ta :0)
Upvoted and resteemed 👍
Thanks for doing what you do
Why thank you very much!
The ol' pork bentley. lol
Gotta park it somewhere!!
Excellent as always, @meesterboom! Looking forward to next Thursday. Same place?
Hehe, I will endeavour to do my best!
Jolly Good ...
William Shakespeare hath handed down his ink and quill to @meesterboom yet again.
A rose by any other name is not a pork Bentley.
A rose by any other name is not a pork Bentley
Hehe ;0)
'basting the beef' in a different oven'
I sincerely hope these words of wisdom will be given the attention they deserve
Don't worry, the shitposters will return and give you plenty of material for next Thursday
Hehe, I have no doubt they will be back with a vengeance, particularly if steem rises a little more! They always pop up then with their various shitposts!
oh my god I am in stitches xD I do kinda feel bad for the poor doughnut man though, I mean he was only trying to do his job! poor guy hehe
He was a poor innocent bystander but I guess that will learn him! :OD
It's amazing how the days go by, again we have come to another encounter with Uncle Boom, love should be one of the most beautiful feelings, someone should do something for them.
Apparently Spamfarmer1: he did not like the respect of Uncle Boom or was not interested in cookies.
Thank you very much dear friend @meesterboom for another wonderful story of Uncle Boom
I wish you a beautiful day
Cheers @jlufer! I've Boom is ever ready to help the young and in love! :0)
yeah but being tagged is an honor!!!!
Isn't it just! :0)
TFIF, and another spiffing tale from our gentleman friend.
I am quite glad of the Friday too!!
Sitting here LMAO once again! I would perhaps have grabbed a few of those donuts before throwing the poor kid under the bus ... lol. Now I have a craving for donuts.
I am in the mood for some myself!
You did say Thanks to the shoutout so that still counts haha! Did Pip's death coincide with the spike in STEEM price? I'm sure his one ball was the bane that has been holding the price down, I'm not sure why it didn't sustain after. At least he got to take a puff from The Bastard before he bit the dust. There could be worse ways to go. In any case, the spice must flow..
The spice must!!! ;0)
He did get a puff of that glorious bone pipe!!! What a way to go out!!!
So I guess he... went out with a boner. In more ways than one!
Oh my word!! You are on literal fire today!! :0D
I did get a fever the other day, so the smolder seeped into the real world it seems.
And the smoulder became a raging fire!!
Then went out with a whimper haha! The beer exorcised the fever out of me!
You really do have the knack for the advisements. You being here is a great comfort to me.
It's in my blood ;0)
Bwahahaha - I need to get my husband one of those pipes for Christmas. He’d be delighted. Now that Segwit2x is off, I’d like to spend some BTC on that pipe and exotic tobacco.
I think it would make a fine gift. I hope there is enough Duke to go around!
Gentleman is always a gentleman - Amazing post @meesterboom
:0)
haha, came back for the Thursday post and it was as hilarious and great as the last one - guess this is about to develop into something like a weekly visit at the least:-) Cheers from the Seven Mountains in Germany
Thanks for coming back! A big Cheers to you from sunny scotland!!
Ay - sure - this is where you got your scene of humor from - I should have known it from the beginning, haha...
It is indeed aye!! :0)
You just made a more-disastrous Romeo and Juliet story out of them, well done ! :P
It ended so well for them! I'm a Sudheer for a happy ending!
I liked this story so much that you are wonderful
I am, I am
Bahahahahaha!
;0)
nice post..thank yo for shahring
i resteem your post
GOOD POST!!
Yay!!