I was having a small brandy in my sitting room when the maid knocked and stuck her head in the door.
Beggin yer pardon milord. There is a lady here to see yer?
A lady?
Yes milord.
Are you sure? You could put a crocodile in a dress and next to you it would look like a lady.
Quite sure milord. She is very proper.
Let her in then you lard-lipped miscreant.
I stood and faced the mantel, adjusting my collar. A lady eh! Here's hoping it wasn't Lady Fotheringham with her ravenous vaginations. The door opened. In sashayed an exceptionally beautiful woman dressed in black from head to toe. She made a very small curtsey.
Uncle Boom.
She purred in a French accent.
Mademoiselle.
I took her proffered hand and gave a small gentlemanly bow. I quickly sat lest she noticed my sudden erection and bade her to sit in the chair opposite me.
Please, my name is Liselle.
Well Liselle. How may I be of assistance?
She let out a gasping sob and dabbed a grubby handkerchief to a finely mascara'd eye.
It's my husband Monsieur, I am afraid he has been murdered!
On the way to the good lady Liselle's home, she told me the story. It seemed that her husband, Culbert had retired to his study the night before and in the morning when one of the maids had tried to enter they had found it locked. Culbert was not responding to any of their shouts to be let in. The police had been summoned and broken the door down.
My poor Cul, there he was sitting at his desk, head all bashed in and a hammer in his hand.
Sobbed the Lady Liselle.
What makes you think it was murder my dear?
I asked as the car pulled up at her abode.
Liselle looked at me as if I had wiped my arse with her cat.
Mr Boom, I am not aware of any man that can beat his own brains out with a hammer, are you?
I had a good think. She may have had a point, there weren't that many.
We walked down the driveway to the front of the house. There were a couple of Constables from the local Police station milling about smoking cheap looking cigarettes. I spied the Chief Inspector, Barty, talking to another Constable just inside the doorway. The Chief was an old friend from the Club, a good fellow despite having a face like a badger's foreskin. I advised Liselle I would be back in a second.
Barty!
Boomy!
We had a quick gentleman's hug and slapped each other on the back enthusiastically. Thankfully my erection from being in the presence of the lovely Liselle had abated slightly.
A sorry situation this eh? Poor bugger was obviously feeling the pinch and decided to end it all.
Exclaimed Barty.
It isn't the way I would like to go and that's for sure, how many times did he hit himself with the hammer?
The Constable beside Barty groaned and shook his head in exasperation. Barty shot him a sharp glance.
The coroner thinks he managed to wallop himself 12 times. A dozen! One of his eyes popped out he hit himself so hard. The coroner thinks that would have been about the third or fourth blow.
We both shook our heads at the folly of it all. There were more gentlemanly ways to do oneself in. This method simply had no decorum. The constable beside Barty took advantage of our momentary silence. He stuck his hand out as if to shake mine.
SIr, I have been trying to explain to my superior that it is just not possible to kill yourself in this fashion. I suspect there is foul play at work.
I looked at his hand in puzzlement.
What is this jumped up prick's name?
I enquired of Barty.
Oh never mind Paxman, Boomy. Bloody new on the job, he's not used to this detectivity that we do. Although this idiotic idea of foul play is exactly what the Lady Liselle was squawking about earlier! Oh and here she is!
The Lady Liselle had come over to join us. She was dabbing at one of her pretty eyes with her handkerchief again. It was a little stained. Like the gentleman I am, I gently took it from her and offered one of my own fine silken ones for her to use.
Chief Inspector, have you gotten anywhere with finding out who hammered my Cul, my darling Cul, all beaten and pounded till unrecognisable!
Madame, how could anyone have gotten into his study? it was locked. Therefore, it must have been suicide!
Barty declared smugly.
But, but, it cannot be suicide?! I mean you cannot let a murder go unpunished. Someone must be found? Someone, Anyone?? He has banged my poor Cul to death. What am I to do. I am a widow now! The insurance won't pay for a suicide...
The young constable Paxman butted in.
Madame, I believe you. I will not rest until the murderer of your dear husband is found!
His eyes shone. He seemed to be quite taken with the beautiful Lady Liselle. I looked at Liselle and saw her eyes gleam with gratitude and... something else? I raised my cane and pointed it at Constable Paxman.
Alright Prickman, if you are so clever. Tell us how you would commit such a crime?
Constable Paxman beamed and stepped forward.
Well it just simply is not that difficult. According to the maid, the hammer was kept in a toolbox under the stairs and there was a spare key to the study hanging in the Kitchen. Is that true Lady Liselle?
She sniffed in grief and nodded. Constable Paxman continued.
So it is a simple case of the murderer waiting till everyone is asleep then sneaking into the Kitchen, taking the key, getting a hammer from the toolbox under the stairs and then unlocking the study door...
He puffed up his chest proudly as he got into the swing of his story, the other two Constables had drifted over and were listening avidly.
Therein lay the good lady's Cul, asleep in his chair. The murderer would have stepped forward and BAM, BAM, BAM!!
Everyone jumped as the Constable made his BAM noises and mimed a hammer being swung down.
Then, he would place the hammer in the victim's hand, retrace his steps, locking the door and placing the key back in the Kitchen.
The Constable Paxman swept his hand out in a majestic flourish.
And that my esteemed colleagues is how I would do it! Urrk!
I whacked Constable Paxman to the floor with a stout swipe from my cane. I nodded grimly at Barty.
You heard him. This bloody rascal just confessed and laughed about his felonious ways to our very faces!!
Constable Paxman spat some teeth and red froth onto the carpet.
Wait, no. I was explaining how I would have done it if I were... GAK!
My boot stamping on his head cut him off. The Chief Inspector waded into the fray, kicking and stamping too. Then the other Constables.
Finally, panting with exertion we stopped. Barty spat on the bloodied thing that used to be Constable Paxman.
Right under my very nose, a killer, a cold-blooded killer! Thank you Boomy, I don't know what I would do without you. And to think, we almost had it pegged as suicide!
I grimaced as I wiped something spleen-like from my trouser leg.
That's quite alright Barty. The man had a devious criminal mind. He just didn't expect to meet Uncle Boom today, more fool him.
Barty instructed the Constables to drag away the mangled corpse of the Constable she had just witnessed. I strutted over to Lady Liselle.
We found the murderer madame. You can rest easy in your bed tonight.
Although her chest was heaving she seemed remarkably unphased by the bloody ending of the Constable, Her eyes danced as she smiled at me.
Thank you Uncle Boom, I knew it was no mistake involving you in this. You have one of the keenest minds alive!
I clasped her hand gently in one of mine and whispered in her ear.
Oh, that I do. I should burn that handkerchief of yours now, it has some rather dubious stains on it. We wouldn't want it being scrutinised would we?
She gave a little jump like a cow being poked in the swedgers.
I patted her on the derriere. My eyes fixing hers in a cold embrace.
I shall pop by later to discuss how to proceed, please be ready for me... Oh and don't worry...
Apologies to all the SpamFarmer fans.
There is simply not enough quality spam. Even in the comments. The SpamFarmers have become legion and don't give a hoot. So the quality isn't the best.
SpamFarmer1: wow! what a story beautifully written. you have got a unique pen style . I loved reading it. thanx for sharing.
UncleBoom: I shall spank you roughly with my hand and a glint in my eye
SpamFarmer2: @meestreboom this is amazing story, I like this type of great stories. writing is perfect.
UncleBoom: Rabbits penis
SpamFarmer3: wow, amazing story
the first article that I read from top to bottom
UncleBoom: Ha, your such a fucking liar. :0D
La malvada sexy mujer, es una perversa, pobre agente Paxman, pago los platos rotos, hahaha. Saludos amigo Boom!
Greetings, it was a shame for poor paxman! Hehe :0)
With Uncle Boom's past exploits, it was far too easy to suspect him of the misdeed, what with the buxom broad as a prize. It's always the person closest to the victim that's the perpetrator. It serves Cul right to not be on guard, and it serves Paxman right for showing up gentlemen of repute. All in all, justice has been served that day. In more ways than one ;)
Those SpamFarmers never do anything right! If they're going to spam, they could at least commit to it. Top to bottom.. PISH!! I think he meant top and bottom!
The SpamFarmers are indeed poor. I want to see some solid commitment to tree spamming. A bit of trolling never hurts either. Come on spammers!
It is indeed always the one closest to the victim!! Poor Culture. Did you know what Cul means in French? Hehe...
I do indeed! Hence the photo ;)
Perhaps we should start a school to educate these poor unfortunate souls. They'll probably just read the title and use that as answer to the exams. To which they'll score a perfect mark as spammers!
HAhahahah, can you imagine what an unruly bunch of motherfuckers they would actually be!
Then again, I suppose we would have the cane!
I guess the color red from the flag would be more literal, and "flags" would denote the flogging they would endure. An unruly bunch of fucknuts indeed!
Such floggings. The day would be a never ending flogging I think!
Well, except for those periods when we lather their body with sweet-smelling citrus liquids. That would make for a fun intermission!
Damn!!!!!
Now I found my self a mentor.
First time I would be crossing part with a story that took away my time to the end.
OK... The character justification was just so damn on point....
Dialogues, all authentic and in line with the character's true self.
The realness in the plotting was also heavy...
Let me catch a breath here
Waggling
Lol, Iam glad you liked old Uncle Boom :O)
I love old Uncle BOOM 💝💝💝💝💝
WELLDONE BOSS
Hehe, Cheers!
Excellent story dear friend @meesterboom, I loved the final outcome, nothing escapes from the abilidoso eyes of the Uncle Boom.
SpamFarmers are slowly being defeated by Uncle Boom.
Thank you very much for the entertaining story, I love how our protagonist solved things
I wish you a wonderful nights
He does have a certain way of solving things and looking at the world that I like! :O)
hahahhaha of course it was her who did itt, didn't expect them to actually murder Constable Paxman though haha.
She had all the marks of a murderer! The poor constable!
...badger's foreskin and detectivity...that's my Boom fix!
Hehe, I can't resist!
I went to your blog about 30 minutes ago looking for Thursdays with uncle boom but it wasn't there! Looks like I was just a bit premature - all too common I fear.
But here it is, and it did not disappoint! I thought for sure that it was the wife, although you did throw me off the scent for a bit there!
I like a bit of scent throwing offing... Ooer! Cheers mate!
Yay, I was hoping that last one would make it in...although I daresay Rabbits Penis is a spectacular response as well. I don't know what it is about these, but I always find myself thinking in proper English after reading them. And have strangely violent dreams with men in top hats and faces like...er, never mind. lol.
Top hats and mad faces!! Yes indeed. Welcome to the inside of my head!! lol
Sorry, I dont know how I missed this reply!?!
I hope you are doing well my little smasher?
Aw, me boom, thanks for checking in- I am adjusting, mostly to my mom spending a lot of time at my house, lol, I of course want to be here for her but for a bit it has and will continue to effect my schedule as it were- proper again, haha. My brother is with her today so I am attempting to catch up on some things including my beloved steemit and especially a few of my beloved steemians.
I'm also staring longingly at Ommegang's Candi Stout (check out ommegang if you've never had their beer, yum) but I have to take the kids to a rollerskating thing at the school and pick them up again, so it has to wait a few hours, sadly. (Don't be surprised should you get some drunk messages from me tonight- forewarned lol)
Hey hey, I love a drunk message!! I might even warn you, I am a tad pished as we speak!! hurrah!!!
You know you should absolutely take all the time in the world my special chika lass! You are doing the right thing in letting this place not be such a focus. I think Steemit might be around for a fair old time and can do without constant attention.
Raar Iam starting to babble now. Be off with me!!
And I just got another parent to agree to the pick up, drop off is done, and I am goooddd to go, haha! You can babble at me anytime me boom :)
I shall remember that! :OD
Hee hee, oh thank God for friends who get it ;)
Better watch out Boomy, she may decide to off you next!...lol
upvoted and resteemed.
Lol, she aint got the skillz! :OD
The solution was inspirational however!
Poor pussy!
Hehe, would you look at that mad cat!
Ewwww!
Oh, right enough. Looks like out might be a common thing!!
Wow, another series of Thursday with Uncle Boom...simply the best!!!!
Infact your tale never disappoint me and Beggin yer pardon milord´ this tales should be turned to a 007 series ..good one indeed. And to the lady , how will a gent take care of the murderous widow? waiting for the next episode and beggin yer pardon milord to visit my blog and see my latest posts about a good info that might get you exited. Cheers and I wish you a blessed weekend.
Hehe, a 007 series. That would be a good one. I will be sure to go and look and see what might excite me!
I agree...will be perfect for Uncle boom
So that's what cats are good for?
Exactly my dear one....cats that I can not resist just like you and your yummy foods
Yes indeed, You can simply give them a rinse and use them time and time again!!
On one hand this guy is a perfect gentleman, on the other, he has just become an accessory!
Resteemed!
I fear he is more than that with his past antics :O)
Fun and good writing! Love the irreverent comedic style, the layout and contextual graphics, and general retro wickedness ;)
Lol. Thank you, that's a fine way for me to describe it in future!
Oooo I thought Uncle Boom had been getting rid of his adversaries again! I didn't expect that! Maybe he has found his soul mate!
Hehe. Maybe he has!
Mademoiselle Liselle might have hammered her poor little Cul all by herself... She's my prime suspect! No judgment on your amazing crime solving intuition and skills uncle Boomer, but you should take her downtown for being CULpable. Twice 🕵🏽
Oh yes, I think she will be going downtown. Very downtown!!!
The infamous browntown... God save her, some call it a one way street into sh*t
and please don't wave your rod of power, nor no arse parsley in my direction herr doctor boom maester
Lol, ok then, setting as you ask so nicely :0)
So it was actually her!!! What a great plan. Boom sure knows how to investigate properly... oh he is going to investigate every single inch.
I loled at suicide assumption heh :d
With a hammer, hehe, what a suicide!
lol .. why are detective roles always associated with perversion and sexy femme fatale?
It's funny isn't it, they almost always are. Who am I to buck tradition! ;0)
and get ready to be hammered she will! :p
It's coming!!
Uncle Boom will hammer her brains out! LOL
In first half of the story I already had an idea who was the murderer. It’s perfect example of snapped stories. While reading you story there is this joke that popped in my head for some reason:
“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator replies, “Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Ok, now what?”
Great story!
Resteemed!
Haha, I have heard a similar twist on that joke!! Cheers!!
LMAO! Your responses to the inane comments are as funny as Uncle Boom! LOL.
It's my favourite bit!
Nice twist Uncle Boom! Barty never suspected the widow. Now, Uncle Boom will have his fun methinks.
Hehe, that could well be the case
Great story!
But I have a couple of questions:
"She gave a little jump like a cow being poked in the swedgers." - Do cows really jump when poked in the swedgers?
And, swedgers where that word originates from?
I made up the word!! Well not entirely, in Glasgow a swedger is a sweet. So I twisted it to be a stand in for delicates
I am fairly sure if I poked a cow in the vagina it might jump a little. Well I would certainly hope so!!
Took a while to get to the face description this time, but then it took a while for him to meet up with his friends whereas it usually opens with them XD
ps - I'm also trying to work out whether Uncle Boom's friends are really stupid, wilfully ignorant, in on everything or whether Uncle Boom is actually an ancestor of Deadpool XD
It does usually open with them. I thought for the sake of the story I should change it up a tad.
I think his friends are those really posh but incredibly stupid types :0)
Always!
Awesome and perfect written, Thanks for sharing this amazing story @meesterboom
Yer arse in parsley!
uff! no puedo evitar reirme con esto. hahaha
Hehe, :0)
Spammer! cuando se acabarán!
Nunca!!
good post
You mean my rod of power?
This has been remarked upon before
thanks for a valuable blog
Poop pasta. Mmm
hay nooo, que risa!
wonderful post great work thank you for sharing
Sometimes when I play the penny farthing I think of your father and his stern lips.
Nicely written
Thank you
Good @ampon
Good @ampon! Clever @ampon! @ampon like a biscuit?
Great post tnx for sharing I just upvote check out my post steemit all the way
The expected twist from the widow, but the unpredictable behavior of Uncle Boom O_o
Obviously I still do not fully understand the nature of the character. The work is done in the best traditions of sir Arthur Conan Doyle! ;)
uncle boom is a very interesting character dear :)
Cool story.