On the one hand, I was lucky.
I always had people who were willing to help. But 99% of the time, it didn’t matter. In fact, it made everything worse.
Because for me, asking was the hardest thing in world.
I don’t know when or why or how it happened but at some point, life left an imprint on me and I came to rely too heavily on myself. Even when the cards are stacked against me, I will try and take on the world single-handedly, ignoring the people frantically waving their hands, trying to help.
The crazy thing is that I love helping others, sometimes to a fault.
I know that I'm a people pleaser, and I realize that it isn't healthy, but I have an incredibly hard time saying no to someone in need when I know that I can help them.
It has led to a lot of interesting life experiences but, at the same time, it’s self-destructive. It took a long time for me to realize that sometimes you have to put yourself first. But it also doesn't change the fact that genuinely helping others is a powerfully rewarding and intimate human experience.
So why then is it so damn hard to just...ask?
To ask for help. To ask for advice. To ask for understanding. To ask for acceptance. To ask for forgiveness.
Asking is hard:
In her wonderful book “The Art of Asking: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Let People Help”, Amanda Palmer offers an insight as to why it's so hard to ask for help:
“American culture in particular has instilled in us the bizarre notion that to ask for help amounts to an admission of failure. But some of the most powerful, successful, admired people in the world seem, to me, to have something in common: they ask constantly, creatively, compassionately, and gracefully. And to be sure: when you ask, there’s always the possibility of a no on the other side of the request. If we don’t allow for that no, we’re not actually asking, we’re either begging or demanding. But it is the fear of the no that keeps so many of our mouths sewn tightly shut."
When I first read this, I was floored But it rang true. It was fear, not self-reliance, that kept me from asking for help.
When I was 24 years old I was diagnosed with a incurable rare chronic illness called Meniere's disease. It causes violent vertigo, ringing in your ears, and hearing loss. I was terrified, but when the symptoms first appeared, I did nothing.
It took me months to finally ask for help, suffering the entire time.
Par of the problem was that the symptoms didn't come all at once. It was a steady build up. But as time went on, it became clear that I wasn't going to magically get better. Everything was getting worse and I still hadn't seen a doctor.
I was in denial.
Then the vertigo started. The room starts to spin and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
My fiancée Megan desperately wanted to help. She begged me to let her make a doctors appointment for me. It was hard on her, watching me suffer. I was so stubborn. The rest of my family was concerned too. But I would always say I was fine when they would ask how I was doing.
I was afraid to ask for help.
Afraid to LET anyone help.
A change of heart:
It took a massive vertigo attack to finally get me to understand. I broke down. I had never felt so vulnerable. When I finally asked for help, my family was ready. My grandfather was able to get me an appointment with an amazing doctor at the University of Miami Hospital.
And that doctor ended up saving me, mentally and physically.
Asking for help requires a leap of faith.
You have to dismantle the emotional wall that has protected you for so long, brick by painful brick. You have to allow another person to see a glimpse of your true self, bare, vulnerable and exposed.
You have to trust that as you take your leap of faith, the universe will sort itself out fast enough to catch you. In a lot of ways asking is an act of bravery.
At some point, it occurred to me that other people wanted to help me in the same way I wanted to help them.
Slowly, and despite the great ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, I started to open up. I began to let people in, occasionally asking for help when I needed it.
Despite everything, I was shocked to find that most people were willing to go out of their way to help when I had the courage to ask.
The generosity I often encounter is overwhelming. People can be amazing if you give them the chance.
How to ask for help:
There are many different ways to ask for help. Some work well, some don’t. Others work, but for the wrong reasons. So how do you ask for help?
Once again, Amanda Palmer offers a bit of advice:
"Those who can ask without shame are viewing themselves in collaboration with—rather than in competition with—the world. Asking for help with shame says: You have the power over me. Asking with condescension says: I have the power over you. But asking for help with gratitude says: We have the power to help each other."
When it’s your turn to ask for help, make sure to ask with patience, kindness, compassion, and an open heart. And always leave room for a no. Never force an ask on anyone, always leave them an out.
Life can be a lonely battle. But it doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to fight alone. More often than not, our family and friends are waiting in the wings, like cavalry, standing by to be called into action.
The reality, however, is that too few of us realize this, or worse, we know, but are too afraid to ask.
There is never shame in asking for help. We all need help at some point or another. We're all in this life together. No one should ever have to suffer alone.
Be vulnerable. Be brave. Take a deep breath and simply...ask.
More on Amanda Palmer:
I cannot recommend Amanda Palmer's TED talk enough. It is amazing beyond words.
I also highly recommend her book "The Art of Asking: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Let People Help", which was inspired by her TED talk. I read several books a week, and this was one of the best I've read this year by far.
I upvoted You
Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do, and I agree that at least in America, there are strong cultural reasons. America is the land of paradox, where asking for help is seen as somehow not living up to the rugged individualism that supposedly is part of our national heritage, unless you're a big bank or a government, in which case all you do is ask for help.
Allowing for the 'no' is the first step in coming to terms with genuinely asking for help. Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it will inspire someone who's been needing help in their life but has been unable or unwilling to take that first step
Thanks @prufarchy, I appreciate it.
I really like and fully support your conclusions and analysis of the problem and am glad you got a hold. A few months back I came to the same conclusions, yet I am still struggling most time to ask.
Keep it up.
Thanks @hobbinhood it definitely get's easier over time. Best of luck to you!