i felt goosebumps while reading your story.
Keep studying and practicing it more! But with more open-minded consciousness .
I would suggest you to try psychedelics such as DMT or ayahuasca which can directly send you to the high consciousness and open your eyes about the reality that we exist.Google that first and good luck on your further journey. It changed my life dramatically :)
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:)) hehe, I will! thank you :)