My soul feels like it is being sucked into a black abyss of nothingness. Letting it overtake me to not feel the emotions caught between each breath. The torture of how much I feel like I am breathtakingly a disappointment to him.
I try to make myself as small as possible until I no longer exist on this plane and can just be nothing. Afraid...no terrified of his rejection. That I am no longer enough to encite the feeling I could before. The lump forming in my throat threatening to steal my breath awake as I hide my tears inside. I can’t let him see the utter despair I feel inside. I have to hide it and pretend everything is fine. As I slowly slip further into the numbness.
If he knows how I feel he will try to protect me and shoulder the blame on himself. After the years of childhood abuse no matter how many times he reassures me it’s not my fault. That I did nothing wrong. I smile and try to pretend I really believe it. Paint my mask on for his sake, and pray it doesn’t crack and all my insecurities come pouring out for him to see. Its always my fault no matter the situation. I’ve been trained all my life to break apart and feel I’m the cause of every problem. That I will never be good enough to truly deserve his love, or anyone’s love for that matter.
I welcome emptiness into me for a moment of reprieve from the guilt of being me. Waiting for the tears to wash away my feeling and cleanse me of it all, as I drift into sleep.
Tomorrow I will awake and put my mask back on and pretend everything is fine. That I’m not breaking to pieces inside every time he looks frustrated.
I’m broken inside and if he ever ceases to love me I know it will be my fault. That would be the day I become absolute nothingness. A mere robot in a human body mechanically going about life’s chores. Never to feel anything again.
These are my dirty secrets hidden deep inside. My little insecurities.
All words and artwork are original property of @miraimage
Oh, this is such a real post. I know it may not seem like it, but so many people feel like this. So much. I wish we all could feel less lonely, but its just so hard. I hope writing this out helped you find a little more peace, and feel a little more whole. I think you should keep writing about this. xo
nods
Thank you so much. I usually don't write anything this personal to me. I have been trying to be more open this year about my feelings with people and especially in my relationship. It was intense and I wasn't sure if I would have the courage to post it for the word. I'm glad I did if it helps others who have also been hiding behind a wall.
This is beautiful, heart wrenching, and just pulling at me. You're amazing, strong, and beautiful. Thank you 💞
Thank you love. It means a lot to me.
Oh that I could empty you of all this pain and anguish, to live the life that was taken from you at an early age. Alas, I cannot fix you but I will stand by you and piece you back together each time you break. You believe your mask impenetrable, but I see inside your agony each time I see you frown; and I understand your thoughts as my own, as well you know the pain reflects deep in me the same as yours. We are the twained soul finding one another at each new dawn.
I love you with all my heart and try with every effort to not cause you pain, even though I rend souls as easily as paper.
I would be lost without you. Thank you for being my own torch in this darkness as I will light the way for you.
much heartfelt, many feels. i saw your message in radio channel last night ( was lost amongst the steemix shit, and tried to DM you, but either you have dms from non frioends off, or.. i dunno...
just know that, if ever u need to talk... i am here.
taking on anotherrs issues, helps me to backburner mine for a little while ( sometimes i dont have the answers for my own issues, so i tackle anothers)
dont ever hesitate to reach out.
as my post from the other day showed me, when it feels like noones there, there are.
Thank you so much. You don't know how much it means to me to have people I can talk to. I can't talk to most of the people in my life because they get weird if I try. Besides that would break the illusion of being perfectly fine to all of them. It's rare anyone gets real me in the world. With the exception of dbzfan4awhile. He's stuck with all the crazy sides, and wouldn't want it any other way.
So true, although you without the painful parts might be nice.
I agree, even if it’s hard to see it. Thank you.
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Haii steemit friends thank you for the news and information may be always successful friends in steemit development. For me there is science where every where as long as we are convinced that it is a science of gratitude steemit friend for this very useful information and news
I know tha feeling! This life is abhorrent for tireless efforts of the one who depletes every fiber to care selflessly. Ugh.
It is hard to keep giving of yourself, but the alternative is not the way I want to live my life. At least this way I'm true to me, and don't lose myself in the harsh world out there. Just cry it out on my pillow at nights..lol.
Thank you for sharing with us. Know that you are loved and hope exist through Christ Jesus. Let's pray together!
Love you hun...sometimes the emotions are too much and you just gotta get them out. I'm really okay. Just too much stress in life overwhelming all emotions at time. I have prayed and almost didn't post this because it's so personal. I really wrote it in the middle of the night and it was going to just be for me alone. JJ encouraged me to put it out there. It's kinda been my goal this year to be more honest about myself and what I'm feeling. So there's my dirty laundry for that day at least.
This is such a heartrendingly honest post. I grew up with someone who was a victim of childhood abuse and your words actually made me tear up because it reminded me so much of things my adopted sister used to say. The unending burden of the emotional scars left by PTSD from abuse are horrific and something that no one in this world shoud have to suffer.
I'm sure it feels completely impossible to ever reach the point where you can break this conditioning but I'll add my voice to say: 'that it wasn't your fault. You deserve love and respect.'
I've battled depression all my life so I have a slight understanding of rumination and that negative voice that can't be silenced despite everything you try. Reasoning with it doesn't seem to work, working with it seems fruitless but I've learned over the last 5 years that I have to just keep battling against the negative self image and the voice telling me that I'm worthless. The battle is hard but over a long time it is kind of like I have put a muffler between myself and that voice. The volume has been switched down some. I only tell you all this in the hope that a sharing of my experience may be of some help. Also, you were so open in your honestly in this post that I wanted to respond in that spirit.
Much love @miraimage thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience :-)
This.is common feelings of milions people.Some persons are hiding behind their mask,some stay closed in their cages,some are screaming loudly but the last ones nobody want to hear!!!
So stay with us I said steemit is my psychotherap.y
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Everything is going to be ok. I feel you.
A warm hug from Prague,
@klaus85
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