And I'm not. Everyone is different after all. So even we share same genes and he spent some time tried to teach me things, we're still different. But this sentence, 'I'm not going to be like my Father' is too often the only way we want to rise our children. Reasons for that are vary. We feel that our Dad didn't spend enough time with us, maybe he hit us too often, maybe he was too soft and didn't teach us life. There always something we want to make differently. The question is do we've got long term plan what we would like to teach our children(s)., and what kind of father we'd like to be for them. I'm far away from planning way ahead who my kid going to be and on what additional classes going to attend. I don't think world works like that. But we need to be aware of influence, we've got on their lives.
I remember, while as kid I said to my self so many time, that I'm going to be different that my father/mother. I'm not going to behave like that or that. I've got long list of things, that I think any parent shouldn't do to any children. From my experience, I know, and like to advise to everyone, not to beat their kids. And I'm not saying about one slap, when it did something bad. I'm talking about beating your son or daughter. And I know, that if you do it once, there always be reason to do it another one. I was beaten for bunch off stuff, B grade instead of A, came later to home after school (5 p.m. instead of 3 p.m.), broken plate. It really doesn't matter. What matter is, that it won't change anything. It won't make children to think, that should learn more to get A, cause it good for its future. It will just put a fear in its head. And this fear can push it to learn more, but can also put additional pressure when things go wrong. Can learn it to cheat, only to get this f*** A. And most important, it will definitely increase aggression within your children. Cause you don't beat them, cause they did something wrong. You beat them, cause you can't control your anger. And this anger drop to their minds every time you hit them. Angry kid will first go into fights with other kids, but when it grow up, one of this fight can finish really bad. Believe me, I went through it. Think before you rise your hand.
But, I don't want to complain about myself. Just to give you a clue, how deep it sits in mind, as I still feel fear, when think about it. And it was 20 years ago.
And also, I'm not going to complain on my parents here. Maybe they haven't be ready for a children. Or maybe they didn't try to understand me. I don't know, probably I will ask at some point. But thanks to combination of mistake they did and love they tried to give me, I'm who I'm.
What I want to say in this post, that it's important to at least get image of what father you want to be. It's not contractor job. There is no probation period. Every thing is real and raw from first day. And it's going to be harder each day. Cause first you're wasted physically, but happy. But soon, if you don't plan it properly, you can be wasted mentally.
For me, the most important thing is to be there for my kid. I remember, that I was in heaven when I could build stuff from Lego with my Dad. But I remember also, how disappointed I was, when he watched TV instead. And even, my Mom pay attention to what I do, it wasn't the same. I think for boys, father are everything to certain age. And I don't want to waste my 'super hero' period.
Second, thing is to understand your children. Much easier if you spend time with them. But I think it's crucial on later stages. When they start to have their own life. Fist problems, choices to make. When they feel that you will listen and try to advise, instead of told them what to do, cause 'parents always know better', they will share with you their problems more often. And I think, they will be calmer as well, as they will feel that they've got back up in home.
Third one is more about your married, but I think it's same important. Don't argue, when your baby is watching. Best case scenario, don't argue at all. But if you need, not in front of you poor baby. It won't understand anyway, so what's the point. You don't want your children to called you same way as you wife just did, do you? Again, from experience I can tell it overwhelming for young person. I remember to call my father 'stinky', cause he made Mom to feel bad (I think it was before she start to beat me). I also remember my father cried that night. So it's really not worthy guys.
In summary, I can say that I want to be there for my children, pay attention to him/her, listen what they want to say, when they still want. And be good for my wife, as without her I won't be able to be a father. I think it will give back.
Think about that, and if you feel that too much, maybe you should think again about having a kids. Maybe it's not the time yet, or maybe she's not the one.
Thank you and lets play ;)
You will be better parent than cca 95% of the world, since you managed to get your thoughts straight and set an aim. I have to almost agree. Do you know where you are not right? "But if you need, not in front of you poor baby. It won't understand anyway, so what's the point. „Don´t underestimate children. They fucking understand from really early stages. They might or might not react, but they WILL understand and it will change them :). Anyway awesome post! You have an interesting blog - following.
Thank you for reply @fingersik. I guess you right, too often we and I as well, underestimate how clever toddlers are. Good tip ;)