Do you know how long it's been since it's been okay? 144 days.
Yes, I wake up on the 144th day without you in my life and holy shit is it brutal. Each day's grey waters lap up and down against my face and wash over my ears, leaving me in sort of a cold state of a misery and catatonia. I have no anchors without you anymore, you always told me you believed in me and that no matter what anyone else had said that you knew i wasn't crazy and they were wrong. And then you just turned on me like that, all to date some new boy? Oh, i hope you both had a wonderful summer doing everything that i can't. Wearing tank tops at gay pride while I hide inside all weekend and hate my fat body. Cuddling at night and sharing intimate experiences. Sweet, sweet safety that comes only with the assurance of laying next to someone who cares about you.
There are many who say they care, but how many would be around if it were no longer convenient? He stood by me. In the darkest hours always came back. I know that him leaving was despicable, and the manner in which he did it in was truly godless and cruel. But, goodness, did he come through for me in some dark and exhausting times in my life. I'm worried I may have fucked it up with him so bad and he'll be done forever.
to have that ripped away from you. the support of someone who believed in you, told you that you were wonderful and encouraged you to do what was best For you - not like any of these other people these days. He would always encourage me to go to class, make friends, call my parents, watch my spending - really cherishing me and wanting me to do well. Now I am surrounded by the type that would let me rationalize not going to a morning class simply because they didnt feel like being bored in that moment.
His new boyfriend and him broke up - i saw on his facebook and then also saw them on grindr. Blocked immediately. I had the strangest weekend. i'll have to write more later when i have more stamina. I just can't believe you lied so much and never did the one thing you promised you'd do. The one thing i needed you to do after all the years - even if you didnt want to be here for me - you owed me that. you owed me that and so much more.
For all the truth,
all creation,
all secrets of yore
Can be told in an instant,
by then they’re no more.
- Day 144
if we have been not speaking for 144 days, do you know what that means? Nearly 40% of a whole year. almost half. almost 6 months - why did you have to make this so ugly? 2 years of euphoric, partnered, tragic, drug-influenced, loving, beautiful, passionate safety and support - all for what? 4 months with a new boyfriend from IOWA who didn't even want to date you?
my goodness. i must really be that disposable.
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