I remember this day as if I just lived it. It's the day that I did something big.
Not that traveling was big or anything, but it was big for me at that time. I'd spent the 12 months prior to this day suffering from, and trying to heal, my debilitating anxiety and depression. It had flared up after a bad breakup, and it was wrecking my life completely. I was sick, and unable to handle much, and I was totally fed up with it.
I was finally making headway in therapy, so, when I planned this trip, I had forced myself to ignore all my fears about the unknown. I had never been out of the United States, and I was going to be flying off to a foreign land across the ocean. Everything you could worry about, I did. Excitement always led to nervousness. The truth is, excitement and anxiety kind of stem from the same place, and actually feel quite similar. Healthy people can tell the difference between them, but, when you're sick like I was, you can't decipher the good kind of anticipation from the bad at all. So when you feel either of them, you panic.
I had to get myself to the streets of Rome. I had no choice despite the ridiculous and unnecessary terror I felt inside. To do this, I forced myself to be tougher than I ever had and ignored my brain completely. Every time an anxious incorrect thought popped into my head, I said, "I don't care. I doooooon't caaaaaaaare. I'M GOING."
As a result, I found myself walking down cobblestone streets in an ancient city, admiring potted plants crowding the building fronts in their own way of taking back the earth that has been paved over for centuries, and feeling like my own damn hero.
And you know what? I was. This is the day I became my own hero. I knew that I could be tougher than my sick brain. I knew that I had made my dream of walking the streets of Rome come true.
So this, this little moment right here? It's worth more than anything I could buy on this earth.
That's touching. I suffered panic attacks since I was 14, and had some really dark times when I felt scared even to take my beloved dog for a walk. Those times are a thing of the past now and I live an almost normal life but still, when I have to plan a trip I feel the same mix of excitement and anxiety you wrote about in your beautiful post. Here's a funny thing: the "cobblestone streets" are my streets, I live very near to Rome (search for Castel Gandolfo on Google if you're curious!) and I'd like to visit some relatives and friends I have in USA and Canada! As for your question, I think I never felt "my own hero" but there are moments where I felt proud of me for mantaining the calm despite the fact all was going wrong around me. Last time it probably was when I had to run in the night to find an oxygen tank for my mom which was unable to breath for she have ALS and a very bad pneumonia. While driving to the pharmacy I noticed that I was worried for my mom's life, but ready to accept whatever could have happened. And probably there's the "secret" to fight our fears: stop trying to control everything and start living day-by-day, accepting what life give us and adapting like water to best fit our spaces. Screaming "I don't care", and doing what we have to do!
May you travel to the best places for the rest of your life! <3
I hope you can find some peace in all the madness that is having a loved one with a serious illness. I'm sorry she has ALS. That is so hard! My mother had cancer, and didn't make it. I understand the feelings one can have when trying to make sense of the fears that come up. You should definitely be proud for staying calm. It's very hard to do! Hugs
Thank you very much! Luckily enough, we both are strong and we both have a lot of sense of houmor, so we are living this thing day bay day and with a big smile. I know for sure she will not make it and I'm ready to accept what will happen because everything is better than living imprisoned in your body. Until that day I count every new day as "a chance more to have her with me". Thank you again and hugs to you too!
It's lovely to hear that you were able to make the best out of your trip despite the anxiety and depression. Rome is a beautiful city to explore, I hope you made a lot of great, positive memories during your stay! :)
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